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A bit about me and my reasons for being here

MichaelKay

Well-Known Member
#1
Hi.

I'm a 38 year old male diagnosed with schizotypal disorder and by extension suffer a lot from anhedonia, negative thoughts, selfloathing and social anxiety. My social life is in complete shambles and I haven't seen a friend for almost 3 months. I always end up withdrawing from relationships because my paranoia and social anxiety makes me feel almost like I'm suffocating. And I have had this weird feeling of being completely disconnected from people, like if I was living in a country where everyone spoke a different language unintelligible to me. It's quite stressful on the one hand to constantly desire social relations and on the other hand dislike it because it makes me weird.

I rarely go out anymore except during the night when the streets are empty or very early morning when the shops open so I can shop without too many people around. I haven't really done anything for the last three years besides sitting on my couch staring into a screen with the occasional stays at a psychiatric ward. And it just feels a bit hopeless at times realizing this isn't just gonna pass. That I won't wake up some day and the schizotypal disorder is suddenly gone. That idea has sort of made me regress to the point where I struggle to care about personal hygiene and my apartment looks absolutely terrible.

I feel I have tried a bunch of things supposed to make it better but after years and years of trying I have given up on both the medication and the therapy. So I guess I'm mostly here to engage with people who can understand that feeling of hopelessness and negative thoughts people can have sometimes. I hope I can help offer an ear to anyone who might need it or just have a casual chat which probably helps me feel a bit better about myself.

So hi and thank you for letting me join.

(Note to admins; That welcome letter I received in my inbox is the best welcome letter I have ever gotten when registering on a site. It felt so personal and inviting that I immediately felt good about joining. Kudos to the person who wrote it).
 

The Tigress ♡

✮ You are worth it ✮
#2
Hello @MichaelKay . First of all, welcome to SF ! I am really glad that you have found us :)
Sorry to hear that you are suffering now.
o I guess I'm mostly here to engage with people who can understand that feeling of hopelessness and negative thoughts people can have sometimes
SF is a great community. There are many of us who are willing to lend you a hand. So glad you gave us a chance !
I hope I can help offer an ear to anyone who might need it or just have a casual chat which probably helps me feel a bit better about myself.
Thank you for your compassion..it is much appreciated. There is always chat and feel free to post in forums :)
So hi and thank you for letting me join.
Don't mention. You are no longer alone as you are now part of the SF family. We are here for you, remember that.

Hugs *hug
Have a great week and stay strong x
 

Sunspots

★☆ Braced for impact ☆★
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
Hey Michael

I'm glad you're here. SF is a fantastic community to receive and give support.

Many people here will understand that feeling of hopelessness and boy oh boy we'll understand those negative thoughts.

Anyway, "hi" back to you and I look forward to chatting some more around the forums.
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#4
Hello, welcome and good to see you joined here. I think you will find many fine folks to listen and post with. I am schizoid personality type myself.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#8
Hi Michael, welcome to SF. It sounds like you’ve got a long time being in this place you’re in. You sound tired of juggling all of it. We’re really glad to have you here at the site. I’m sure you’ll find some others with varying degrees of the same things going on. I hope you like it here. Keep posting ok?
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#9
Hi.

I'm a 38 year old male diagnosed with schizotypal disorder and by extension suffer a lot from anhedonia, negative thoughts, selfloathing and social anxiety. My social life is in complete shambles and I haven't seen a friend for almost 3 months. I always end up withdrawing from relationships because my paranoia and social anxiety makes me feel almost like I'm suffocating. And I have had this weird feeling of being completely disconnected from people, like if I was living in a country where everyone spoke a different language unintelligible to me. It's quite stressful on the one hand to constantly desire social relations and on the other hand dislike it because it makes me weird.

I rarely go out anymore except during the night when the streets are empty or very early morning when the shops open so I can shop without too many people around. I haven't really done anything for the last three years besides sitting on my couch staring into a screen with the occasional stays at a psychiatric ward. And it just feels a bit hopeless at times realizing this isn't just gonna pass. That I won't wake up some day and the schizotypal disorder is suddenly gone. That idea has sort of made me regress to the point where I struggle to care about personal hygiene and my apartment looks absolutely terrible.

I feel I have tried a bunch of things supposed to make it better but after years and years of trying I have given up on both the medication and the therapy. So I guess I'm mostly here to engage with people who can understand that feeling of hopelessness and negative thoughts people can have sometimes. I hope I can help offer an ear to anyone who might need it or just have a casual chat which probably helps me feel a bit better about myself.

So hi and thank you for letting me join.

(Note to admins; That welcome letter I received in my inbox is the best welcome letter I have ever gotten when registering on a site. It felt so personal and inviting that I immediately felt good about joining. Kudos to the person who wrote it).
Hello. I am alone as well needing a tribe. Did try and failed. I really want to die peacefully and painlessly in my sleep. I don’t understand why we live?
 

MichaelKay

Well-Known Member
#10
Hello. I am alone as well needing a tribe. Did try and failed. I really want to die peacefully and painlessly in my sleep. I don’t understand why we live?

I don't understand either. But then again; Do I understand why we die or why non-existence is better than existing? No. We just do. So why not embrace it? Death comes soon enough for us all and we got billons and billions of years of non-existence to go through. So why not enjoy these measly 100 years we get as a break from that?
 

Gonz

Over Cardiac Arrest
#11
I feel I have tried a bunch of things supposed to make it better but after years and years of trying I have given up on both the medication and the therapy. So I guess I'm mostly here to engage with people who can understand that feeling of hopelessness and negative thoughts people can have sometimes. I hope I can help offer an ear to anyone who might need it or just have a casual chat which probably helps me feel a bit better about myself.
I was just thinking that the best thing about this forum is that it's somewhere where it's okay to not be okay, you know? Sounds like that's what you need so, welcome, you've definitely come to the right place.
 

MichaelKay

Well-Known Member
#12
I was just thinking that the best thing about this forum is that it's somewhere where it's okay to not be okay, you know? Sounds like that's what you need so, welcome, you've definitely come to the right place.
Thank you. I rarely talk to friends and family and when I do I don't share too much with them. I sort of want them to be my sanctuary where I'm neither considered crazy nor depressed. So it's much easier for me to share with strangers on sites like this. Thank you for the welcome.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#13
I don't understand either. But then again; Do I understand why we die or why non-existence is better than existing? No. We just do. So why not embrace it? Death comes soon enough for us all and we got billons and billions of years of non-existence to go through. So why not enjoy these measly 100 years we get as a break from that?
I am confused. Are you saying enjoy living?
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#15
Thank you. I rarely talk to friends and family and when I do I don't share too much with them. I sort of want them to be my sanctuary where I'm neither considered crazy nor depressed. So it's much easier for me to share with strangers on sites like this. Thank you for the welcome.
That is understandable. I withhold from my family. I can just imagine their reaction if I admitted that I wish I just didn't live. I am not suicidal or thinking of such but have never enjoyed being alive or being happy in life.
 

MichaelKay

Well-Known Member
#17
I am confused. Are you saying enjoy living?
Sorry about the late reply. I don't really know what I'm saying to be honest. I can somehow find some peace at times in realizing my life is just a series of experiences, some better than others, but nonetheless just experiences. I have no endgoal I need to reach. No accomplishments to define whether my life is a success or not. In those moments I can just exist and be content with that. I wish that was a happy feeling but it's really not though. It's more a feeling of just trying to stop focusing too much on my unfulfilled desires.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling a bit or it doesn't make sense. My condition leads to overthinking things or resorting to a level of abstraction that isn't very useful. I'm one of those people who can spend 15 minutes wondering why grass is called grass etc.

I botched a suicide attempt once (or more than once but the most serious attempt I've had is the one I'm referring to). After that I sort of just got this feeling that I could either strive to change things, just accept them as they were or decide I didn't wanna live. Well, I came to the conclusion I don't really want to die so living seems to be the only option. I've given up on changing things so I'm really just hanging in to see what happens. Like watching a tv-show for the sake of entertainment and getting curious what happens in the next episode although it doesn't really impact me.

I honestly don't know what I'm talking about. I can't keep a line of thoughts going for more than 30 seconds at the moment so it's hard to really express myself or even know what I'm trying to say. I apologize if it's confusing.

TL;DR I suspect being dead is an awful less interesting than being alive. So I use that as an excuse to keep living. As for enjoying it, I try to remind myself that feelings are internal experiences and I'm happy to atleast have those even when the feelings are of sadness or similar. Atleast I can feel and I attribute some value to that.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#18
Sorry about the late reply. I don't really know what I'm saying to be honest. I can somehow find some peace at times in realizing my life is just a series of experiences, some better than others, but nonetheless just experiences. I have no endgoal I need to reach. No accomplishments to define whether my life is a success or not. In those moments I can just exist and be content with that. I wish that was a happy feeling but it's really not though. It's more a feeling of just trying to stop focusing too much on my unfulfilled desires.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling a bit or it doesn't make sense. My condition leads to overthinking things or resorting to a level of abstraction that isn't very useful. I'm one of those people who can spend 15 minutes wondering why grass is called grass etc.

I botched a suicide attempt once (or more than once but the most serious attempt I've had is the one I'm referring to). After that I sort of just got this feeling that I could either strive to change things, just accept them as they were or decide I didn't wanna live. Well, I came to the conclusion I don't really want to die so living seems to be the only option. I've given up on changing things so I'm really just hanging in to see what happens. Like watching a tv-show for the sake of entertainment and getting curious what happens in the next episode although it doesn't really impact me.

I honestly don't know what I'm talking about. I can't keep a line of thoughts going for more than 30 seconds at the moment so it's hard to really express myself or even know what I'm trying to say. I apologize if it's confusing.

TL;DR I suspect being dead is an awful less interesting than being alive. So I use that as an excuse to keep living. As for enjoying it, I try to remind myself that feelings are internal experiences and I'm happy to atleast have those even when the feelings are of sadness or similar. Atleast I can feel and I attribute some value to that.[/QUOT


Ok. Are you well provided for otherwise?
 

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