A bit of a vent.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by feathers, Oct 30, 2010.

  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I've been in a relationship with a guy, MS, since May. Things were getting on perfectly, that was, until I got depressed at the end of July. Then, I guess, things got problematic. Things he did depressed me, and he couldn't pull me out of depression. I got angry at him, I was mean to him in my depression. He was paranoid as fuck about any guy I even spoke to. Which, I guess, one time turned out to be totally justified.

    Eventually I got to the point where I asked if we could go on a break, as I believed he was hindering my getting better. Then on this break, I got very close to and slept with a friend of mine from college. MB. I thought it would all be fine from there, but it wasn't. I planned from that Monday to the Thursday when I would see MS again, that I was going to break up with him, and be with MB. However, that all went tits up when I saw MS again on the Thursday and ended up kissing him out of stupidity and still not being over him.

    So then I spent the next two weeks pretty much caught between the two, spending most of my time with MB and only seeing MS occasionally, but still texting him and doing stupid things that stopped me getting over him. Some of the things I liked about him that I just couldn't get past was his ability to be there for me constantly, the fact he just dedicated himself to making me feel better, no matter what that resulted in for him (he ended up even self harming through beating himself up over the stress it was causing him, and he hid all that from me as to not put extra stress on me. Dangerous I know, but pretty dedicated). However the fact he couldn't pull me out of depressions no matter how hard he tried was an issue.

    This wasn't an issue with MB. Because I very rarely got depressed when I was with him. In fact, I thought I was getting better in the time I spent with him, but I guess that's because he was so much of a distraction for me. He's depressed too, due to bipolar, and currently having a difficult time with a newly emerging Multiple Personality Disorder. Whenever I'd get depressed, he'd switch, and I'd be forced to either restrain a homocidal/suicidal personality, entertain a horny lesbian, give him CPR because he'd gone unconscious, or listen to the life story of a pastor from the 1700s. This usually immediately pulled me out of my depression. Which obviously meant I spent a hell of a lot less time being depressed and so it made me feel like I was getting better.

    However a problem with this was that I couldn't spent a lot of time, feeling how I really felt, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I missed being looked after too, which I know wasn't his fault even though he feels bad for it. It stresses him out, trying to force away the changes that he can't control, getting himself more stressed and less likely to change. I also spent a lot of these two weeks not wanting to leave MB because I know how suicidal he is and I wouldn't like to put me leaving him on top of that. But I'm currently back with MS because, well, I'm trying to do what I think is best for myself. But I miss MB.

    MB is better off without me. Fair enough, I might have fucked with his emotions involuntarily, and this upset him. But ever since I got back with MS, he's been posting a load of happy, positive shit all over the internet. It's like, me leaving him has given him something to fight to get over, rather than him just fighting for the sake of fighting. He's so much happier without me in his life. So much better off without me. And worse still, I think I trigger the changes, because he has them near enough constantly when I'm around, and without me there, he hasn't had any since Thursday. He denies it's me, but I think I stir up emotions in him that causes him to change a lot. And I know he hates changing because it tires him out, so basically I'm coming to the conclusion that he is better off without me.

    I had such amazing times with him though. I know this sounds so stupid and irrelevant, but he's so cute, and we're so similar, he's like me in male form. Our music taste is the same, we're always singing songs together and having fun, him teaching me how to play guitar, having someone to relate to because we're both depressed.

    Fuck knows. Just whenever I'm with one, I want the other. It's so fucked up and unfair and selfish especially when it concerns someone's emotions that is already in such a fragile state of mind with being suicidal. But there's nothing I can do that'll make me have a firm decision.

    Today with MS was amazing. It was like living in a bubble, completely ignorant of the outside world. Minimal depression, just having a good time, happy. But that is not what life is like. It's going to get difficult again when I start going back to college. When I get depressed and he can't pull me out of it, like last night when I lie depressed for hours, unable to be pulled out of it until I eventually fell asleep.

    If anyone can make better sense of this than I can, please feel free to leave a comment. Until then I'll just sit here lost in my own mind and pray MB doesn't read this and it fuck with his mind when he's apparently so happy at the minute.