See I knew I would be back. This is probably the only forum I can just sort of babble on without feeling like I am just trolling or spamming the forum. So yeah, after my short break I reflected on myself and life a bit... where I am going what I am doing that kind of thing. It was nice to get up to a motel where I had limited net access and limited things to do while I was inside. Granted I did drink a lot. So I guess I shall start the babbling. So anyway, I noticed something over the past week or so. I have been thinking a lot about money. Some of you have heard I recently Got a new job. Well with that job comes a very significant raise. So I have been thinking about the best way to use that new and extra money. One such thought I had been about my living situation. Every year I have to move. The only time I spent more than one year in a place was between 2007 and 2008. I think back to that time. While it was a better time, sexual activity makes life better, I noticed that life seemed more bearable being stuck in one place. I really think that part of my depression comes from constantly moving. I have lived in 4 different places over the past 5 years. Moving is stressful, I mean I have to pack, and clean and make sure the place is in good repair. However, if I am just living in one place I think I might be less stressed out. So I thought about buying a house. I cannot do that right now, because I had already agreed to be a roommate before I got the job. However, it is something I am serious considering. So I have been talking to banks. I love banks, if you are not going to get something now they do not care about you. Well that and I saw my credit score, fuck you direct tv. Anyway, I am not sure I can get a house now. My credit score is really low, again thank you direct tv. So I have been thinking about other ways to use the money. I have a lot of debt. So I will likely use it for that. While trying to save a little bit of money in hopes that I will be able to buy a house or move. Anyway onward, I have noticed that over the past couple of weeks. Since I have the goal of figuring out this stuff. I have been much less depressed. On my trip I was planning on going out and playing pool at the bar. I opted to stay in and get drunk, but my point is that I thought about it. Which is a pretty big shift for me. Yeah I would not have talked to anyone or been social or nice, but still I did not go in with my usual attitude of just taking up space. I have noticed that with my new goals of paying off debt old motivations are coming back. Stuff like being social and stuff like that. I will say that none of it is positive. My being social would only be to obtain females to use for my own amusement. However, that is a step up from my babbling about how I am just garbage and am giving up because I could never achieve that. I think the motivation comes from another forum as well. Seeing people just being asses about someone wanting to do something different. Anyway, that was another thing that was weird. On another forum a guy suggested that I take advantage of my new work from home job. And go out to coffee shops and socialize and learn how to pick up girls at those shops... I actually considered it for a while... lucky for me no such place exists within reasonable distance to my apartment. So yeah I guess I am saying that when I have a goal in mind I am a bit less depressed. I can think back about my weight loss as well. When I had that goal in mind I did not want to die. Hell I wanted to live. Though I am not sure I want to have a life where I am always seeing what is next. However, it seems to help with my depression. I am still suicidal, however, not it feels more like I am trying to convince myself of these things... I do not know. It has been a weird couple of weeks. I do not know, maybe being back on here for a bit will fix me right up and put me back on the path to just waiting for my kitty to die.