I have coped very well with what happened to me and I rarely want to talk about it. Lastnight I told my husband something that I hadnt told anyone ever. I didnt give him any real detail but I told him a secret. It makes me want to talk about it. Heres a safe place to be open so Im posting..I have posted in the past about the abuse so please forgive me if I go over details again that I said once before... I was abused from a unknown age up until about the age of 7 maybe 8. I told my mom after one horrible attack where not only I was attacked but my cousin was too. My mom got silent and didnt say anything about it for a few days. She then approaches me. Told me she called the law they investigated and didnt find anything. She told me I made it up and I lied about it all and I should be ashamed of myself. I didnt lie..She lied..She said she was nearby that day and saw everything and he didnt touch us. But he did, he had been for years..I knew she didnt see and I was hurt she called me a lier. To this day she says I made the whole story up.. My memory is fuzzy and I only remember bits and peices. I remember him touching my butt and making me pull up my shirt and then stuffing a few dollars into my pockets..I remember worse things but those memories are very fuzzy and in bits and peices.. I was sitting at home lastnight and remembered two other things. One was a old boyfriend of my mothers, who she went out with when I was about 3. I remember sitting on his lap looking at a adult magazine with him. I have another memory of sitting on the toilet with my night gown pulled down over my knees counting the seconds until I was finished and off the toilet. I remember he had a son older then I was. He asked me to 'fool around' with him. I was only a little kid but agreed without a fuss. Now I dont remember what happened in detail.. It dawned on me that the abuse had to been happening before I could recall. I mean if that happened when I was only 3 or so and I remember that, I remember saying okay without any argument. Someone had to of been hurting me before then or I would of fought, I would of said no, or something. My memories are so blurry..I dont know what happened. I once even told a therapist I worry I did make it up because I cant remember it in detail. She said its probably a good thing I dont remember... If I could unlock my memories what would I see? Would I want to see? Would it help me forgive my mom, heal my broken soul, and come to terms with things? Or would it hurt worse? Does anyone else have blurry memories of abuse and dont know exactly what happened to them? I remember being terrified of every man. Even was afraid of my own uncle for a while. Hes 9 years older and was my best friend when I was growing up. He would slay ride with me, play video games with me, he tought me to play basketball, and he was always a favorite person of mine. I remember being so skiddish and scared that I would flinch when anyone would touch me. I remember once that my uncle and I were going to get something. I tripped and he reach out to grab my arm so I wouldnt fall. I yelped and trimbled like a scared dog. I remember being nervous around everyone. I was never afraid of the man who I remember abusing me - well I was truly afraid of him just one time.. In some ways I wish I knew what happened. I wish I could sort out the truth.. I wish my memories wouldnt hide from me so maybe I could come to terms with things...Maybe the rape dreams would stop and maybe the nightmares in general would stop.. I thought I moved on from the abuse. I can even look that man in the eye and smile a friendly smile at him like nothing ever happened. Im not afraid of him and dont need to be..But with the nightmares and things I wonder if Im still stuck.