A blurry memory made me think - may be triggering

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Jan 28, 2010.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I have coped very well with what happened to me and I rarely want to talk about it. Lastnight I told my husband something that I hadnt told anyone ever. I didnt give him any real detail but I told him a secret. It makes me want to talk about it. Heres a safe place to be open so Im posting..I have posted in the past about the abuse so please forgive me if I go over details again that I said once before... I was abused from a unknown age up until about the age of 7 maybe 8. I told my mom after one horrible attack where not only I was attacked but my cousin was too. My mom got silent and didnt say anything about it for a few days. She then approaches me. Told me she called the law they investigated and didnt find anything. She told me I made it up and I lied about it all and I should be ashamed of myself. I didnt lie..She lied..She said she was nearby that day and saw everything and he didnt touch us. But he did, he had been for years..I knew she didnt see and I was hurt she called me a lier. To this day she says I made the whole story up.. My memory is fuzzy and I only remember bits and peices. I remember him touching my butt and making me pull up my shirt and then stuffing a few dollars into my pockets..I remember worse things but those memories are very fuzzy and in bits and peices.. I was sitting at home lastnight and remembered two other things. One was a old boyfriend of my mothers, who she went out with when I was about 3. I remember sitting on his lap looking at a adult magazine with him. I have another memory of sitting on the toilet with my night gown pulled down over my knees counting the seconds until I was finished and off the toilet. I remember he had a son older then I was. He asked me to 'fool around' with him. I was only a little kid but agreed without a fuss. Now I dont remember what happened in detail.. It dawned on me that the abuse had to been happening before I could recall. I mean if that happened when I was only 3 or so and I remember that, I remember saying okay without any argument. Someone had to of been hurting me before then or I would of fought, I would of said no, or something. My memories are so blurry..I dont know what happened. I once even told a therapist I worry I did make it up because I cant remember it in detail. She said its probably a good thing I dont remember... If I could unlock my memories what would I see? Would I want to see? Would it help me forgive my mom, heal my broken soul, and come to terms with things? Or would it hurt worse? Does anyone else have blurry memories of abuse and dont know exactly what happened to them? I remember being terrified of every man. Even was afraid of my own uncle for a while. Hes 9 years older and was my best friend when I was growing up. He would slay ride with me, play video games with me, he tought me to play basketball, and he was always a favorite person of mine. I remember being so skiddish and scared that I would flinch when anyone would touch me. I remember once that my uncle and I were going to get something. I tripped and he reach out to grab my arm so I wouldnt fall. I yelped and trimbled like a scared dog. I remember being nervous around everyone. I was never afraid of the man who I remember abusing me - well I was truly afraid of him just one time.. In some ways I wish I knew what happened. I wish I could sort out the truth.. I wish my memories wouldnt hide from me so maybe I could come to terms with things...Maybe the rape dreams would stop and maybe the nightmares in general would stop.. I thought I moved on from the abuse. I can even look that man in the eye and smile a friendly smile at him like nothing ever happened. Im not afraid of him and dont need to be..But with the nightmares and things I wonder if Im still stuck.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2010
  2. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I think you are brave to write this out and share.. while I can not find myself to read completly through the post as it horrifies me to imagine such things happening to another human being.. I was also abused as a child but I have no recollection only what has been told to me by my siblings..

    It is an intense quandary that you pose at the end.. With the nightmares and things I wonder if Im still stuck.. its possible... My question would be do these nightmares and memories create a rift between your husband and yourself and can you both enjoy a complete intimate experience with each other?

    Personally I am glad I dont remember.
  3. jnine

    jnine Well-Known Member

    it's hard to remeber and it never goes away but good for you for writing it, getting it out and for talking to your husband honor to you for doing so well
  4. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    @selfmadeprison .. To answer your question no..But let me explain.. When I first moved in with my now husband (we were just dating back then) we had sex a lot. He recently admitted to me he thought it was odd. I was offering him sex sometimes 6-8 times a day (and thats just what he would take me up on). He didnt think that was normal but didnt want to hurt my feelings by saying something to me (he has this way of coming across like a insensative jerk when he doesnt mean to).. Now to answer the question in the present..No we rarely have any intimate times.. Im not shy on the subject so I will be honest about it.. After I had my son things were good until I went for a exam to get birth controll pills. It was the third exam I had been to since my son was born. The doctor was ruff and I ended up injured (although I dont know how and for the longest time blamed the natural birth because I didnt want to think a doctor could be so careless). So Im rarely interested in sex of any shape form or kind today..As far as the nightmares go they always create rifts of some form. I wake up gasping for air and it scares the crap out of him. Sometimes I wake up clawing, crying, and fighting away my dream attackers (which again is scary for him)..
  5. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I read your other post on the pain that you are suffering and I can understand why you currently have little to no interest in the sex area..

    What are you doing to take care of yourself as of late? as in connecting with your joys? how much sleep are you getting? and are you getting enough nutrition in your diet?
  6. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I dont really take joy in anything and honestly never have. I like to read but only read when Im home alone in the daytime. I cant stand being interrupted when Im reading a book so I only read when my husband and son are both out. As far as in the daytime - the inside lighting is poor and without the natural light coming in I cant see to read very long.. I like to take photos but dont get out in this weather much. I like to watch movies and listen to music but dont really find joy in those things.. You know I do love spending time with my dogs and they make me feel peaceful and loved. I told someone recently (when asked why I pick dogs as pets) that I can look into their eyes and see innocents and love! I spend a good amount of time with them. They sleep with me, eat with me, follow me to the bathroom, watch tv with me, one of them is with me at all times when Im inside the house....Sleep - Id have to go with probably not. Im usually up until well after midnight, dont fall asleep until 4 amish, wake up anywhere between 7am-noon. But my sleep is fitful. I wake up frequently. My husband says I toss, turn, and roll around like a mad person..Nutrition/diet..Im hoping to loose weight and its hard. Im hypoglycemic which makes it near impossible. Lately Im stuffing myself with blueberries. I commented today Im a blueberry addict! I usually get just under 2000 calories a day from foods like fruit, chicken, pasta, ect..
  7. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I have to wonder what your definition of joy is.. I don't see joy as smiley things but rather the stuff that gives us a momentary sense of satisfaction.. personally all the things you listed I would count as things of joy. Your diet also sounds wonderful..
    I am concerned about your sleep though especially with what you said your husband reports about tossing and turning and your comment about waking up clawing, crying, and fighting away dream attackers..
    have you ever tried dream exercises to attempt to take control of your dreams? and do you do any sort of meditation during your waking hours?

    I am sorry if this seams to be deviating from the original post. Trying to understand more.
  8. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Its okay..A lot of posts turn into something way off original topic. I dont mind your asking questions (feel free to send a pm if youd like).. I cant really controll my dreams at all. Sometimes I have these dreams where Im saying to myself 'Wake up..wake up..I know your sleeping..just wake up'.. I can feel myself trying to wake up and eventually do wake up. As far as controll dreams - no. I can sometimes avoid nightmares by making up a story before I go to sleep. I can lay down in bed, close my eyes, and make up some story in my mind. That usually lets me avoid the nightmares but not all the time. Sometimes a perfectly happy dream will turn into a nightmare and I have even had nightmares shift and turn into good dreams... I do toss and turn a lot. I will find my pillows in the floor at the foot of the bed, my blankets all rolled up around me, and the sheet tore off my side of the bed..
  9. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I have some memories that have always been clear, some started blurry, and became clear, and some are blurry....

    For me, the memories only become clearer when I am strong enough or have the support to handle them - not fun, very painful... Feeling the pain helps to get past it though.

    The very act of sharing the story, makes it easier to take the nightmares and flashbacks... and sometimes the flashbacks dissipate into natural memory altogether.

    Takes work - but you can reconnect and heal - takes support and help.

    Take care of yourself :hug:
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