a boring story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NYJmpMaster, Jun 20, 2011.

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  1. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am new here - just found the site by using seach engine for "suicide how to" - guess google search isn't all it is cracked up to be. But thought I would tell a litte of my story and see if there are any other people that feel like I do and might have some coping ideas.
    I am midforties and have a wife that I love very much and 4 children that I love very much. I have a medical condition that has left me disabled for the last 3 years - went from working 70 hours a week for years and earning $100k a year to spending 10 hours a day home by myself and collecting $1800/ month disability. All my "friends" disappeared after I stopped working and the closest thing I have to social interaction is facebook where I hope somebody clicks"like" on the occasional status update so I know somebody still remembers me. I often go several weeks without leaving the house - and have to remind myself to do basic things like shave and take a shower because it all seems pointless.
    I have a medical condition which causes me to be in nearly intolerable physical pain that I take very large quantities of pain realievers (demerol and percocet mostly with occasional trips to hospital for IV morphine) and am still aware enough and smart enough to know that a side effect of the pain meds is depression (which I also take meds for) so I am able to think through things quite coherently most of the time.
    Every day I try to think of some reason that it is worth going on and use the "if it doesn;t get better by tomorrow or next week" coping method to add time and distance to my suicidal thoughts. But the plain fact is it has been 3 years and it hasnt't got better. I have tried several passive attempts by severely overdosing on my meds but evidently have built up a near superhuman tolerance to them so no great results from that except to give myself seizures as well as my other medical problems.
    I feel horrible guilt and like a weak person for considering suicide and do not want to put my children and wife through that pain so I try to think of ways that would be "an accident" to end the physical pain and emotional pain I feel and to spare them the pain of it. I am not religeous and have no moral religeous beliefs that prevent me from attempting it again. In the last few weeks it has been getting more and more difficult to find a reason to cling to life. I sit alone most of the day and think how easy it would be and how nice it would be for the pain to stop... I find myself trying to justify the few weeks of pain my family would feel if I died compared to the near constant pain I have felt for the last 3 years and am getting very good at coming up with reasons why it would be ok (thus the several attempts at "accidental" overdoses).
    I do not know what I expect somebody to say on here or why I even bothered to share - except that I am running out of excuses not to and maybe somebody else can think of one for me....
    See - I warned you it was a boring story - and I cant get chat to work on my computer so I would just like to know somebody else in the world knows I am still here because if nobody even notices I am here why would anybody notice I am gone?......
  2. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I know you are here dude, and im listening. Welcome to the forum.
    Be safe here my friend.
  3. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    By the way, go to the trouble shooting forum on this site and leave message, the admin will activate your account so you can use chat.................
  4. tenholehweels

    tenholehweels Well-Known Member

    you and i have the same problem.

    my life is a mirror of yours,i was making good money and got sick
    and had to go on disability.

    now for 3 yrs i have barely been able to leave the house due to the
    pain, now my wife has left me.

    i have lost my friends due to my illness, and feel isolated.

    i also have this inhuman tolerance to pain killers due to taking them
    so long, so my overdose attempt was a bust although the doctors
    couldn't believe i survived.

    this place has at least let me know there are others feeling the same way.
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I do feel fortunate that I still have wife supporting (not sure why she does still but she is there for me) but the similarities are amazing. Most people dont understand how hard it is going from working to disability....
  6. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    Hello NYJmpMaster,

    First i will comment on the title of the thread, you put "a boring story" - i want to assure you that your story is certainly not boring for me - i found your story very interesting and very emotional.

    Giving distance to yourself from suicide is a technique you can use for sure, you're thinking of suicide but it doesn't mean that you need to suicide now.

    You say you feel guilty for considering suicide, i want you to accept your thought regarding wanting to suicide - i am able to understand from where the thought comes from - the pain is quite a lot - i want you to also accept this.

    Now you have a wife and 4 children, you have a family which you love and the all love you back - i am sure they are thinking about you on daily basis and i am sure they would want you to be relieved from this pain - but they wouldn't want you to be relieved from this pain by suiciding, your family wants you to be alive.
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