a boring story

I am new here - just found the site by using seach engine for "suicide how to" - guess google search isn't all it is cracked up to be. But thought I would tell a litte of my story and see if there are any other people that feel like I do and might have some coping ideas.
I am midforties and have a wife that I love very much and 4 children that I love very much. I have a medical condition that has left me disabled for the last 3 years - went from working 70 hours a week for years and earning $100k a year to spending 10 hours a day home by myself and collecting $1800/ month disability. All my "friends" disappeared after I stopped working and the closest thing I have to social interaction is facebook where I hope somebody clicks"like" on the occasional status update so I know somebody still remembers me. I often go several weeks without leaving the house - and have to remind myself to do basic things like shave and take a shower because it all seems pointless.
I have a medical condition which causes me to be in nearly intolerable physical pain that I take very large quantities of pain realievers (demerol and percocet mostly with occasional trips to hospital for IV morphine) and am still aware enough and smart enough to know that a side effect of the pain meds is depression (which I also take meds for) so I am able to think through things quite coherently most of the time.
Every day I try to think of some reason that it is worth going on and use the "if it doesn;t get better by tomorrow or next week" coping method to add time and distance to my suicidal thoughts. But the plain fact is it has been 3 years and it hasnt't got better. I have tried several passive attempts by severely overdosing on my meds but evidently have built up a near superhuman tolerance to them so no great results from that except to give myself seizures as well as my other medical problems.
I feel horrible guilt and like a weak person for considering suicide and do not want to put my children and wife through that pain so I try to think of ways that would be "an accident" to end the physical pain and emotional pain I feel and to spare them the pain of it. I am not religeous and have no moral religeous beliefs that prevent me from attempting it again. In the last few weeks it has been getting more and more difficult to find a reason to cling to life. I sit alone most of the day and think how easy it would be and how nice it would be for the pain to stop... I find myself trying to justify the few weeks of pain my family would feel if I died compared to the near constant pain I have felt for the last 3 years and am getting very good at coming up with reasons why it would be ok (thus the several attempts at "accidental" overdoses).
I do not know what I expect somebody to say on here or why I even bothered to share - except that I am running out of excuses not to and maybe somebody else can think of one for me....
See - I warned you it was a boring story - and I cant get chat to work on my computer so I would just like to know somebody else in the world knows I am still here because if nobody even notices I am here why would anybody notice I am gone?......

 

I do feel fortunate that I still have wife supporting (not sure why she does still but she is there for me) but the similarities are amazing. Most people dont understand how hard it is going from working to disability....