I am new here - just found the site by using seach engine for "suicide how to" - guess google search isn't all it is cracked up to be. But thought I would tell a litte of my story and see if there are any other people that feel like I do and might have some coping ideas.
I am midforties and have a wife that I love very much and 4 children that I love very much. I have a medical condition that has left me disabled for the last 3 years - went from working 70 hours a week for years and earning $100k a year to spending 10 hours a day home by myself and collecting $1800/ month disability. All my "friends" disappeared after I stopped working and the closest thing I have to social interaction is facebook where I hope somebody clicks"like" on the occasional status update so I know somebody still remembers me. I often go several weeks without leaving the house - and have to remind myself to do basic things like shave and take a shower because it all seems pointless.
I have a medical condition which causes me to be in nearly intolerable physical pain that I take very large quantities of pain realievers (demerol and percocet mostly with occasional trips to hospital for IV morphine) and am still aware enough and smart enough to know that a side effect of the pain meds is depression (which I also take meds for) so I am able to think through things quite coherently most of the time.
Every day I try to think of some reason that it is worth going on and use the "if it doesn;t get better by tomorrow or next week" coping method to add time and distance to my suicidal thoughts. But the plain fact is it has been 3 years and it hasnt't got better. I have tried several passive attempts by severely overdosing on my meds but evidently have built up a near superhuman tolerance to them so no great results from that except to give myself seizures as well as my other medical problems.
I feel horrible guilt and like a weak person for considering suicide and do not want to put my children and wife through that pain so I try to think of ways that would be "an accident" to end the physical pain and emotional pain I feel and to spare them the pain of it. I am not religeous and have no moral religeous beliefs that prevent me from attempting it again. In the last few weeks it has been getting more and more difficult to find a reason to cling to life. I sit alone most of the day and think how easy it would be and how nice it would be for the pain to stop... I find myself trying to justify the few weeks of pain my family would feel if I died compared to the near constant pain I have felt for the last 3 years and am getting very good at coming up with reasons why it would be ok (thus the several attempts at "accidental" overdoses).
I do not know what I expect somebody to say on here or why I even bothered to share - except that I am running out of excuses not to and maybe somebody else can think of one for me....
See - I warned you it was a boring story - and I cant get chat to work on my computer so I would just like to know somebody else in the world knows I am still here because if nobody even notices I am here why would anybody notice I am gone?......
I am midforties and have a wife that I love very much and 4 children that I love very much. I have a medical condition that has left me disabled for the last 3 years - went from working 70 hours a week for years and earning $100k a year to spending 10 hours a day home by myself and collecting $1800/ month disability. All my "friends" disappeared after I stopped working and the closest thing I have to social interaction is facebook where I hope somebody clicks"like" on the occasional status update so I know somebody still remembers me. I often go several weeks without leaving the house - and have to remind myself to do basic things like shave and take a shower because it all seems pointless.
I have a medical condition which causes me to be in nearly intolerable physical pain that I take very large quantities of pain realievers (demerol and percocet mostly with occasional trips to hospital for IV morphine) and am still aware enough and smart enough to know that a side effect of the pain meds is depression (which I also take meds for) so I am able to think through things quite coherently most of the time.
Every day I try to think of some reason that it is worth going on and use the "if it doesn;t get better by tomorrow or next week" coping method to add time and distance to my suicidal thoughts. But the plain fact is it has been 3 years and it hasnt't got better. I have tried several passive attempts by severely overdosing on my meds but evidently have built up a near superhuman tolerance to them so no great results from that except to give myself seizures as well as my other medical problems.
I feel horrible guilt and like a weak person for considering suicide and do not want to put my children and wife through that pain so I try to think of ways that would be "an accident" to end the physical pain and emotional pain I feel and to spare them the pain of it. I am not religeous and have no moral religeous beliefs that prevent me from attempting it again. In the last few weeks it has been getting more and more difficult to find a reason to cling to life. I sit alone most of the day and think how easy it would be and how nice it would be for the pain to stop... I find myself trying to justify the few weeks of pain my family would feel if I died compared to the near constant pain I have felt for the last 3 years and am getting very good at coming up with reasons why it would be ok (thus the several attempts at "accidental" overdoses).
I do not know what I expect somebody to say on here or why I even bothered to share - except that I am running out of excuses not to and maybe somebody else can think of one for me....
See - I warned you it was a boring story - and I cant get chat to work on my computer so I would just like to know somebody else in the world knows I am still here because if nobody even notices I am here why would anybody notice I am gone?......