A bottle full of <Drug Name Here>

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Austere Night, Aug 26, 2008.

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  1. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    I have a prescribed anti-psychotic medication, which I cannot mention because it is a good way to kill yourself... if you take enough. To quote the company's overdose info, it can cause:

    * Drowsiness
    * Rapid heart rate (tachycardia)
    * Low blood pressure (hypotension)
    * Low blood potassium (hypokalemia)
    * Irregular heart rhythm (arrhythmia)
    * Coma
    * Loss of life.

    About a month ago I was sitting alone in my dark room, the bottle sitting in front of me. One by one I kept taking the pills until I felt like I was going to vomit. I was sure it was enough to at least give me a good long coma if not kill me, but I woke up in the hospital two days afterward. That night I had a seizure and was taken by an ambulance to the hospital. The whole of the next day I was semi-conscious and apparently hallucinating wildly.

    The doctors all were certain it was a drug overdose, and they were right; but they only gave me a drug test that covers recreational drugs. They didn't see the ridiculous amount of the drug I had in me. They chopped it up as a one time event that might be a minor epilepsy.

    I walked out the hospital without any organ damage or any sort of damage.

    Now I'm sitting alone in a dark room again, before this computer looking at my bottle. I'd need to wait for a refill before I had enough to try and take more than I did before, but I can't help looking at it; hoping it might fill.

    When I get a refill, I should have enough to drop a bear. I can't help but wait for that moment longingly.
  2. Mainax

    Mainax Active Member

    Austere, half of me wants to ask you what the drug is because i feel the same, half of me wants to ask you why you feel this way.
    What makes you wanna OD ?
  3. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    I don't want to OD, or kill myself in anyway. They are just vehicles that can take me to the destination I do want; an end to my conscoiusness. Things were going great for me up until I became sentient. All my probelms have arised due to it, so I want to discontinue it. This drug is the only viable plan I can act on with my current resources to meet that end, and that's why I'm thinking of it.

    I imagine the TOS does not allow me to tell you the name, but it is prescription only anyways.
  4. Mainax

    Mainax Active Member

    Well as i have heard others say, suicide being the option that no one knows what happens afterwords, would it not be wise to do every other option you know before he final one ?
  5. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    Science has had great progress with neurology and our cognitive functions. We know that the person we are and our senses are all bound to our brain. If the brain goes, everything goes; consciousness included. Death is exactly the same as what you were before birth. A lump of lifeless matter.
  6. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    Maybe you should try meditation. I was trying to look something up, but it felt depressing because I am in an enormous amount of psychological pain.
    I think it's caused by something physical, but I am not sure, and I am not able to deal with it.

    Maybe what you are going through is similar. I was reading about brain consciousness vs. dreaming. And different states of mind and reality.
    I am just not sure I can help...

    I hope you are getting better, and feeling better. Peace.
  7. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    My pain is pretty simple. Nobody knows me. I don't know me. I don't know what is real, I don't know if there is such a thing as "real". I walk through this life on a maddening search looking for who I am and what I am, but every time I get close I change. It's like roaming the country looking for home, but every time you find one you don't like it.

    I walk through this life wondering what is real, and what is my imagination. All the same old maddening existential bullshit comes back to me. I never know if I'm looking into the eyes of another or into a fabrication of my lonely mind.

    Everywhere I look I see death and pain coming, fleeting happiness corroding away under time's assault. Everywhere I look, my mind never loses focus on what's inevitably coming, and all I want is for it to stop. I never want to think again, it has led me nowhere but astray.
  8. Mainax

    Mainax Active Member

    You sound like your experience the revelation of the matrix :wink:

    but jokes aside who cares whats real or not real ?
    Do whatever makes you happy in that case, real or not, you still feel pleasure don't you?
  9. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    Not really. I've only ever really found my jollies in figuring things out, and this is really a problem for me. I can't answer basic fundamental questions about anything.
  10. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Very few people will have answers enough to sleep soundly when they pass away but we can all watch and experience, even if we don't understand it.
  11. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    Understanding is what I really care about. It's just become a fundamental part of my needs. It's similar to all the people here that are unhappy because they have no love; I have no truth to cling to. None I care about, anyways.
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