A Bottle of (Drug Name Here)

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Lovecraft, Feb 27, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    I'll not say what drug so nobody else gets an idea, but suffice it to say it can be very effective for suicide.

    My father is recovering from cancer, and thusly needs some good painkillers. He was recently on (Drug Name Here) and moved to methadone. For this reason, a bottle of ~45 20mg tablets (roughly 900 mg) of (Drug Name Here) is now sitting on a table about a metre from the door of the room. Some quotes for a lethal dose is 300mg. I tried before with a different drug, so I'm surprised my mother left it there, but even though I'm not having a very depressed night, I don't want to regret passing up such an easy method that's right in front of me. Regardless of treatment and meds I just can't shake my distaste for this world and this life.

    I really don't want to do that to my parents, though. Even if I exonerate them in a note they'll still feel guilty for leaving it there. I think I'd rather wait it out and off myself someway that wont leave them guilt ridden. What kind of scares me is that my emotions aren't heightened at all while thinking about this. It's like I'm choosing my clothes for the day.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2009
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    How are you doing now? did you manage to stay safe?
  3. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    Yes... But it's still there, and so am I.
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Well done for getting through last night. It sounds like last night you didn't want to do it, but maybe sort of felt obliged. I wonder if maybe asking you mum to put them somewhere safem ight be worthwhile?
  5. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    If I did that, she'd probably remark about it to the staff at the hospital - where I live for the week for treatment - and then they'd put me into the crisis ward and blah blah blah.

    The reason I want it to sit there, even if I don't do anything now, is because I'd like it to be available. The only reason I'm still alive is because only when I'm feeling my worst and most motivated to die do I need no real courage to do something. I'm fine now, but still want to die and am pretty sure that wont change. If I could get a gun, I'd just shoot myself. That takes no courage because there's near no chance of failure and no intervening time from pulling the trigger and dying of which to speak.

    If I take the pills, there's a certain chance that I'll get really scared or regretful before it kills me. This drug also kill by respiratory collapse, so there would be a the painful moment where I gasp for my last breath. It's that time after taking the pills that scares me so much.

    I want them there for a time that may come in which I'm already so hurt that gasping for air would be a welcome change.
  6. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    i am concerned that you will begin, yes, to see the gasping for air...as a welcome.

    your mom seems very 'clueless' (hope not to offend) by leaving them out. i just want to dash in and grab them away! take them out of your reach.

    i understand why you can't ask her to move them. you could take them and flush them....you could have a friend do it with you. just an idea.... sounds ludicrous....but do they say.... ''desperate times...desperate measures..."

    please quit looking at them and please keep reaching out here. i do not want you to go. pm if you want to talk

    if i lived in your neighborhood i'd be over there, seriously, dumping them. xxxx:hug:
  7. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    It's been a while since I tried with another drug, and I've been stable a few months. I'm also not here a lot. She's just absent minded.

    Could I trash or flush 'em? Not really. Of course I don't want to, but also because if they disappear, she might forget about it, but probably not. I know the way she thinks, and as soon as a load of some pretty serious drugs disappear the day her ODing son is home, it'd be an easy leap of logic to know I did it, even if only to destroy it.
  8. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    well....that's a very good point! sorry, didn't think of that. and i am sure she has too much on her mind w/the situation....i'm so sad about that.

    i hope you are ok. and that it all works out. i am glad you are here...and i hope i didn't give an insensitive answer.....(((apologizes))) just was scared for you.....
    love and hugs hun :hug:
  9. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    You could just have your dad hide his medicene. My dad locks mine in the safe and only gives me a weeks dose, non-lethal, as I need.

    Considering your dad may need this medicene you probably don't want to flush it.. but eh, if you feel your life depends on it do as you must.
  10. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    He isn't on it anymore, that's why it's lying around. It's now surplus. My dad is mostly bedridden, though, so he couldn't do anything to hide it anyway.
  11. xxicedragonxx

    xxicedragonxx Well-Known Member

    how about this... you ask your mom to move them to a secure place where you do not see them. tell her you do not have thoughts of taking them, but do not want to be remided of the past. tell her that you are trying to change and would rather not be around anything that brings back bad memories..

    parents tend to understand when you ask in a mature way.

    sometimes you have to get rid of the tools to stop the deed.
  12. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    But do I really not want to take them? I'm at an impasse it seems. I can't decide my action. I've tried meds and therapy ad nauseum, and it just carries on. Everything just carries on. Every day just as painfully unfulfilling as the next.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2009
  13. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    no. you do not want to take them

    your pain '''lies''' to you

    stay here with us.
    we are here. lean on us . no you do not want to go. it is your pain talking to you. . .
    pm if you want.
    we will NOT let go of you :console:
  14. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    You really think my pain is something altogether different from me? It just walked into the door and coerced me to my suicidal feelings? No. It's as integral a part of my life as any other emotions. It isn't lying to me anymore than my love is.
  15. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    Well wherever your suicidal urges come from, please keep ignoring them.

  16. Tempest

    Tempest Member

    No matter what if you kill yourself then your parents are going to feel guilty. Just because you haven't taken the pills they left there doesn't mean they won't question where they went wrong. Don't get me wrong, I understand where you're coming from because I've been there too. I'm so happy you had the strength to resist taking those pills.
  17. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    The strength to not take them? There's been none of that. Fear is what has me keeping in line. In this world I've become so confused, fearful and melencholy and I can never, regardless of my efforts furnish some rationalization or idea that I can live with... but I can't face what death entails.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.