A brief breakdown of the last ten days >.< (or thereabouts)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Perfect Melancholy, Jun 22, 2010.

  1. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I went for my assessment out of curiously at the mental health and wellbeing centre (dumb ass name, and no sign on the door), I found out what I am suffering from although the doctor had already pretty much diagnosed that a few weeks back, after that I stopped taking my medicines). I pretty much don't want to say what is wrong with me because I have told people in real life and they have now made me feel so ashamed and rejected me as a friend.

    So anyway like I said I told my two closest friends in real life and one did not understand at all and called me a freak, the other my housemate asked for some more information to help, she then promised two times to talk to me. I got the information, she cancelled both times and I told her how upset I was she said she couldn't handle it and wants me to move out (her place her rules I am fucked).

    Back to the assessment at the unwellbeing centre, they advised that the treatment I need is no longer available on the nhs DUE TO THE DEMAND. Thank you free healthcare nhs shit, seriously if your American and reading this, tell Obama to stick his healthcare plane.....well you get my drift, they did say the other treatment I need is not available until September this year at the earliest, BUT he did say if I was a women I could get it next week, cheers sorry for being born with a penis,

    In the meanwhile I had an assessment at work for my fitness to work, they advised I needed extra support to drop to four days a week and too not do certain tasks. Brilliant some positive help so I thought..........no. My manager has since said I cannot drop hours, I must do the jobs for at least half my day they have demanded, and that I will still continue my other role unsupported, cheers then.

    Sooooooo I thought I would try and reach out online as you do, so far I am still waiting on replys to most of my messages, one friend online did give me the gold nugget of advice when I said I had no idea what to, the reply was "you will figure something out" they then disappeared and I have not heard a squeak since. So pretty much since then I have started cutting my wrists a little deeper each night, hoping that one night I manage to do the job right.

    I am going to be pretty much homeless in a few weeks, jobless because I cannot cope with it, and I have no support available. I am figuring I have exhausted all routes this time, I mean I tried.
  2. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    Do you have family or relatives that can offer temporary support?
  3. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    My mom no longer talks to me, and my sister has four kids and a partner so really the last thing she needs is a head case moving in. As for friends well I those were my two closet friends so I think I have managed to burn all my bridges this time
  4. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    If you end up in a very difficult spot. May i suggest staying temporaly in a hospital? I know it's difficult. Trust me. But it's better than being off on the streets. When you sign in volontarely to a ward, you are allowed to leave whenever you want.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :( I feel bad because I cannot muster up a response that is worth while.

    Have you thought about finding employment elsewhere?
  6. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hey dude don't feel bad, I am figuring it just one of those situations I have tried everything, Boo is right hospital would be the next option but that is only short term, finding a job elsewhere I don't think I can do. Un employment around here (like everywhere is shocking). and I need a job for the stability side, I keep kidding myself that my house mate will start talking to me again, and help me until I get some support.
  7. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    I've met a few people who went to the ward because they would be homeless otherwise. Some been there for months.
  8. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Thing is and I am sorry to moan on and on because well I have had no outlet other then taking it out on myself, if it was serious they would of put me in hospital anyway so I cannot be that bad. But I am thinking suicide is the only escape from this, and I normally even when I attempt have another plan, I have tried so hard on my own, is it really to much to expect a little support from people who are supposed to be my closest friends who I have done so much for, or am I putting them on an impossible pedestal?
  9. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry to hear your "friends" have reacted in such a way.. I cannot think what could make people do something like that.
    can you find a new place to live? cause if you still have your job, and an income of money, you could find a different place to stay?
    Otherwise i think the hospital would be a great way to go..
    Can you talk to yoru boss about getting extra help with what you do? if you've medically been told you shouldnt do it, then he should listen to them
  10. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    It depends when she wants me out just got paid and I need to get together money from this month and next months I could get a loan I am thinking through the bank I don't have any debts.

    BUT then...I just found out that this girl I had been seeing at the start of the year well her boyfriend of two years just got in touch on my phone turns out she played us both and I lent her money, so I guess I am never going to see that. BUT what hurts the most is I trusted her, and we were awesome hanging out she made me feel safe which I hadn't really since Becky died. So all this at once how the fuck am I meant to cope, I am starting to see it as a sign i am not meant to be here
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hey Rich I can hear how overwhelmed you are but well done for reaching out on here.....
    is it possible to talk to your housemate and sort this out?...
    even if it's only for the time being while you find somewhere else....otherwise the hospital is a good suggestion....
    you know it's safe to discuss things here...
    we wont judge you.....
  12. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I have two choices right I know this I can one, basically kill myself-which at the moment seems such a good option, or two I can ask my friend beg her too take me too the hospital because I know it is dumb but I cannot do it myself go there on my own it is just I need someone to talk for me, when I get there. But if well If I cannot get them to go with me, or the hospital refuse to see me or help me (they have just sent me to my gp before) I am not sure where that leaves me, I just wish I had more then those two options, I am trying to distract myself a lot right now, I have to get up for work in four hours I need to sleep but my head is all over, sorry I keep ranting but I am just trying to figure things out =\
  13. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Just an update:

    I walked out of work stressed and close to a breakdown I emailed my friend and she is on her way home to take me to the hospital, I doubt they will admit me or anything, but just in case I did not want anyone worrying x
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're going for help Rich......good luck..:hugtackles:
  15. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    well I told them everything, even when I planned to kill myself and when and how I had been feeling, there advice go to the doctors and up my medication...awesome :blink:
  16. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    Sorry was gonna say that hospital due to being homeless is not really an option here. Long stays are mostly if your seriously psychotic or are on a special ed unit or something. Care in the community means you're pretty much fobbed off onto your gp or local cmht.
  17. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    You could try contacting rethink or MIND for advice. I think there are options available in terms of welfare, care, housing but you're just not getting that information.

    You could also try the Citizens Advice Bureau, but MIND and rethink might be better to get in touch with first in your case.
    Reaching out is hard, and very courageous when you're feeling the way you are. How those people reacted/rejected you sounds painful, but has little to do with you, but them.
    That doesn't take away the pain of having no one around, but I hear you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 24, 2010
  18. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I spoke to Louisa last night it was really hard too, she had looked at things online but she was pretty pissed of that I had stopped taking my meds. We agreed I can stay here on review if you like, until the end of July, she is making me take my meds in front of her now, so she knows I am taking them. It is going to be hard I don't want to lose a friend but I feel like I have lost her already. Although I am sure that is depression talking otherwise why would she be helping.

    I am going to keep fighting, even though as I told her I feel suicidal every single day, maybe one day it will end and I will be normal. I guess I am going to try and keep going and If I get weak remember this right.

    Thank you all for your support, I would be so lost without you guys. x <3
  19. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    Other people may not be able to handle your assessment but I think you might find people on this forum are more understanding.
    Your housemate is ambivalent. You are obviously okay guy, it is the assessment she cannot handle, not you.
    You have obviously had very tough time and try to work you way through painful situations. You certainly deserve some support, and respect.
  20. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    The whole living arrangement thing is doing my head in if she asks me to leave (end of July she will deicide giving me a month) I am screwed I could scrap the money but it is the stress, it is triggering pretty bad right now. I know I deserve this because I was not nice to her, I could not help it I am trying, but I have to take a cut in my pay being of so getting the money together to leave will be tough but I can do it, it is just one stress after another I am so close to breaking right now.