A Calculated and Well-Planned Decision

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Autumnal, Jun 22, 2010.

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  1. Autumnal

    Autumnal Member

    I am often asked by folks who don't understand depression, "Why are you depressed?" The reasons are multifaceted, too multifaceted for a face to face conversation that is anything under a days length. The question itself betrays how shallow the reads are of those who move through life blissfully blind. Whenever they say this, in my head I replace it with, "Why do I believe that my best option is to end my life?"

    This decision wasn't made spontaneously, but was the product of over 10 years of pruning where I cut away, or had cut away the world and others, every branch and avenue of hope. I have been in the ministry for almost 8 years, and in the end I believe that God does not exist, that I am unfit from a Darwinian standpoint, and that I have experienced everything this world has to offer.

    As selfish as it is, I feel like I just need to tell my story in summary. I have lost everything - career, love, finances, health, the ability to feel pleasure, the ability to be. If I even felt like I had nothing, it would be something.

    My childhood was not horrible, save for that the kids picked at me in school. No big deal.

    I spent the majority of my young adolescence (4th grade) and teen years in an abusive homes only to be mocked, beaten, and ridiculed everyday at school. Beyond this I was hideously ugly in junior high and high school because of cystic acne and I was 8 inches shorter than the average male.

    Despite this I converted from the atheism I was raised in to Christianity at 16. I excelled in school, worked to pay my own bills, and got a full ride to college.

    My college years were mainly spent alone studying, though I had a close knit group of friends for my last two years. Learned Greek, Hebrew, Latin, Aramaic. No girls though save for one short fling and one long unrequited bout with another - I was too serious, I'm still too serious - but I'm talking about suicide so cut me some slack. Started hitting the bottle at 22, hard. Right about then I met Erzsebet.

    Right before I went to Seminary I met a much older Eastern European woman and fell in love. Unfortunately she was in remission from leukemia which soon resurfaced. I would take the train or drive up every weekend to see her, which was hell on my already busy schedule. It was a perfect hell though, and I had the best days of my life when I was with her.

    I found out within two weeks of entering grad school that it was pure politics. I should have left then and went to another school - this was the worst mistake of my life.

    In seminary I was forced to live alone in a small gray and off-white unheated (until November) cinderblock cell and made to read and write the most banal, uninteresting, insubstantial, shit. My undergrad theology material unstripped my grad school as far as day outshines night. I had been at the height of my game before and found my niche - five years later I felt like a neaderthal and still do.

    Worse, as my fiancees cancer worsened, she began to go mad (it spread to her brain). She lied to me about her finances, which were quickly depleting due to the chemo and blood transfusions - eventually the people in her Synagogue stopped helping her out (but didn't inform her). They left her with a huge interest inflated bill.

    She became even more distant, and I was sick from the abuse and trials at my school and from helping her as much as I possibly could. I was racking up student debt at this point (and later on credit debt). This is all just the backdrop, the worst was what was happening inside.

    In December of 2005 I found out that she was cheating on me for money. She had lured back her old abusive doctor ex-fiancee to pick up some of her bills here and there. I found out about this on Christmas Eve when he came suddenly into her apartment while I was there.

    In January of 2006 I completely lost what small ability I had to feel pleasure. This was more the effect of the years prior to this. The cheating was the straw on the camels back. Despite this I stayed with her. Though at this point I began drinking heavily - 8 to 10 drinks a night.

    I really don't have the energy right now to complete this story, but I will later hopefully. I need to do this so that it's at least out there. I feel like this I'm doing this to have the material down for when I decide to write my suicide letter. . .
  2. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    I'm not going to pretend to know what to say. That is a lot and it sucks. Just wanted you to know that someone read it and feels you, man.
  3. Autumnal

    Autumnal Member

    In 2007 I was called to the worst ghettos of Baltimore City to do a pastoral internship. I had been single at this point for well over a year. The third longest streak since high school to college (4 years). I lived in a filthy unheated vermin strewn shit hole on a block with 7 firebombed buildings.

    I shined like a star (despite the raging alcohol problem). Built a seven church ministry and did my best to revitalize the area I was in - my supervising pastors hated me and one of the boards and counsels hated me. Many of the congregants say it was jealousy - I did my best not to be an arrogant ass, but it could be. I really think its that they were old world and I was new (or at least trying to be). I continued to keep up a good front.

    A year later I had a break down one night at told my supervising pastor about my suicidal ideations which had been happening everyday for over two years. He flipped. I went back to seminary to find it written all over my final report and submitted to each bishopric in the country.

    Managed to survive another year in the cinderblock cage (which to me was worse than the crime infested heroin junkie hole). Finished my masters - though $18,000 in credit card debt and $43,000 in student. My master's thesis was not even read. All that was written on the bottom was A - Great Job.

    During this time I was called to a 2,500 person congregation due to my work and preaching, but the call was revoked when the bishop found out about my suicidal ideations. I was called to do a second internship at (essentially) my own expense. I very unwillingly said yes, as I had no other place to live except for the cage.
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    It sucks when women take advantage of men. I know it can will be hard, but just get rid of her. She has proven she only wants you for the money. What do you get out of a relationship with someone like that? Seriously I am curious because it seems like you get nothing.

    I am not going to pretend I am much better. I let my ex abuse me, and keep me around for if she does not marry her current boyfriend. However, at the same time I am making changes. I hate the fact that I suck with women. So I am trying to change that. Slowly, fearfully, painfully... I have made little to no progress thus far. I am focusing on building my confidence up. However, I want to make that change, and I am going to dedicate myself to it. You can do the same friend. You just have to find the strength.

    You sound like an awesome guy man. You have your shit together, which is more than I can say for me. Do not let one dying female destroy that. You can say you love her, however, I do not think that is the case. Because I know how warm and inviting fear is.

    I do not want to see another man here fall prey to a woman.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Autumnal. I'm sorry to hear that even after spending so many years in the ministry, you still believe that God doesn't exist. I have full faith in God, but I also have faith in myself. Bad things do happen to good people, but you can't let that break your faith in God. We are here on this earth to make mistakes and learn from our mistakes and experience this creation. If we were perfect human beings, what fun would that really be?
  6. Autumnal

    Autumnal Member

    I promised myself I was going to finish up the rest of the story . . . but maybe later. Long story short I was forced to resign after a slew of psychological batteries and bullshit - but I'm glad at very least to be free. I'm as fully convinced that the world has nothing to offer me as I am that I'll never be fully accepted into any social circle - beyond being the curious novelty at a party who says outlandish things.

    I also don't believe there are any feasible career opportunities or romantic opportunities in my future - this is all very much the long story short - I have reasons why I don't believe this. It's just going to be a slow slide from temp work to temp work into poverty or homelessness which I manage to just skirt every month.

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 26, 2010
  7. Autumnal

    Autumnal Member

    I plan to do this in August
  8. Schannah

    Schannah Member

    I'm not anti-suicide, so I can't say much to help you. What I will respond to, though, is this:

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>

    A symbol of revolt it may be, but please try to see what it will actually achieve in real life. Intense trauma for a select few innocent bystanders. No big message. Just pain and horror for a couple of people. And although you might feel that pain and horror is appropriate, who are you to inflict it upon people, or even to decide (or randomise) upon which people it should be inflicted?

    Don't do that. Suicide isn't selfish or evil, but your proposed method would be both of those things.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 26, 2010
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods in quote>
    Oh God, please don't do this to yourself. I own a shotgun and I know how powerful shotshells are, since I've shot it at the range a few times. I've also had a look at shotgun suicide after pictures and they aren't pretty. You really don't want to do this to yourself. You will cause permanent emotional scars to everyone who witnesses your death. Please reconsider. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 26, 2010
  10. Autumnal

    Autumnal Member


    But it will get the job done. It will actually show reality raw and bare too.
  11. Autumnal

    Autumnal Member

    Goodness, can I ever have a good day. Why is my life so miserable and closed-off? I just feel this everpresent null, void, and derelict sense. Stupid prescriptions do crap against it.
  12. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I am so sorry you feel like this, have you looked at altering what you on and maybe changing it, explore all you options.

    Take care

    Rich :hug:
  13. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member


    You sound like a facinating and heroic person to me. What you did under the pressure you went through? Astounding!!!!

    I know you have fallen away from belief,but I will pray for you. I hope the people who betrayed you did not totally defeat your faith. They are just failed people.

    I think your courage and determination are amazing. I can't imagine what you've been through. But I wish you would see what a profound and fantastic person you are. It's easy for me to see from your post.

    You are extemely impressive and have given the world so much. It's so sad to see that a good soul such as yourself was punished by an institution for being a genuinely spiritual person.

    I think the world needs you pretty badly myself. I BEG you not to do anything to yourself. After all you've been through you owe it to yourself to triumph
    over your remarkable challenge! What a great soul you are and imagine how you will be when you win out over your struggles!!!!
    Write me if you like!!!!

  14. Schannah

    Schannah Member

    I'm sorry. Having seen your original post before the method got censored, I still have a huge problem with what you're saying. Doing it in private would get the job done too. You can't justify it by saying it will "show reality". You have no right to do what you proposed to, or in front of, anybody. You will achieve nothing, wake nobody up, make no point, and your stunt will go widely unrecognised, other than to severely traumatise a few entirely unconnected people. You have no greater authority on "reality" than they; you don't get to inflict such a terrible display upon anybody.
  15. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Your are in my thoughts. I hope you are feeling better.
  16. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    How are you feeling today Autumnal?
  17. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    PLEASE let us know how you are. You are in my thoughts and prayers Autumnal. Remember you are loved here!!!!
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