I seem to be in the worst catch 22. I have had unbearable anxiety all my life and it has caused irreperable damage to everything. I mean unbelievable amounts of damage. I mean so much damage that at 20 years old I am completely written off for ever having anything whatsover. The problem is that when Im on benzos or sick all my problems go away and I see things clearly. No doctor would ever put me on benzos for the simple fact that they work. I have thought that I have been doing much better the last few months but I overdosed my subuxone so now im going through opiate withdrawal and and i am seeing through clear eyes once again. The problem is that when i see clear either on xanax or now I want to killmyself because I see the truth. I realize that there is no way out of my predictament and that not only will I never have friends or a girl. But i will also never go to a place without getting harassed. I cant even be alone at home since Im being watched. I cant do anything and feel okay. There is literally always someone laughing at me. I will admit im afraid of killing myself and I have no idea what to do. Im thinking of doing something that will get me killed. Either stabbing a drug dealer, robbing a drug dealer, or doing something along those lines. And again im just afriad that I wont be killed I will just be severely injured. I am out of options, out of hope, and I dont know what to do.