a challenge

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by endlessskies58, May 8, 2009.

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  1. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    has anyone ever challenged you to commit suicide?

    and i don't even mean it in the direct sense...

    i mean like...

    someone is telling you that you are over reacting...

    or doesn't want to pay for therapy so you feel like you're not worth the money to get fixed?

    i can go from happy to incredibly suicidal by thinking about these things...

    if i don't value my life enough to want to be alive, then what makes them think a simple challenge isn't going to push me over the edge?
  2. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    Well some people think that it's just an act for attention......they can say it's childish or you are overeacting. They compare you to themselves and if they can do it then you sure as hell can too.

    They just don't understand how you really feel. Try to tell them again.
    It's better to get help before it's to late and you really do give up all hope.
  3. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    Although I obviously don't know all the details, I think you may be misinterpreting someone.

    If someone says you are over-reacting, this could simply mean they don't understand what you're going through. The fact they don't want to pay for therapy stems from the lack of understanding, and the belief you are simply over-reacting.

    This seems more likely then them challenging you to commit suicide.
  4. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    its not that they are meaning to 'challenge' me

    what i'm trying to say is that when people say stuff like this then it makes me FEEL like its a challenge.

    they don't even realize that they are 'challenging' me probably. they probably mean it in a completely different way...

    but no matter what, how i feel is what matters despite their intentions.

    these are two different people on separate occasions btw.

    one is my mother a couple of weeks ago i mentioned that it would have been nice to have therapy because i went through a very suicidal phase. i'm better now but i've been having trouble since i was a kid on and off and she knows that. she then told me that there are psych sessions at my school and she can't do anything about it because i'm an adult now.

    the thing is, she is still the one with the money and i still live at home. i also feel angry because it is in her personality to not want to spend money. i am angry at this because she wants to be oblivious to how important this is because she just doesn't want to spend the money. and the fact she doesn't make therapy important makes me angry because she KNOWS i've been depressed since highschool and she needed to help me then and didn't because she didn't want to spend the money.

    i've contemplated suicide and i wanted to write in my note how sorry i was for wasting my parents money. that is when i really realized how pathetic they are when it comes to money. their love to me comes in the form of them buying things for me and i hate them for doing that to my mentality.

    they fucked me up. love is not a commodity.

    because unlike my mom my dad spends money to show he loves you and guilt trips you with what he buys. his love is very conditional and he can treat you like shit as long as he pays for everything. and i am conditioned into this and so i realized that when i was in a relationship, i expected boyfriend to buy things for me to show he loved me rather than shower me with affection. poor boy.

    and of course he is the one who said i was over reacting when i got upset about our break up and made a hint at suicidal feelings. this was months ago.

    he looked at me like i was so pathetic and so worthless when he said it. but it really was how i felt and for him to make me feel that pathetic for feeling how i felt made me feel like utter disgusting shit.

    the fact he made me feel so shitty made me feel like 'how could you not believe me? how could you look at me like that and think i'm lying when i'm crying my eyes out. do you need me to show you that i'm not lying?'

    and as for my mom, yes she's right. therapy isn't her problem anymore and no i don't want to talk to her in depth about it because i don't want her to be that deep into my problems or life. she is already overbearing and i need some control. so i guess i will wait on therapy until i have money... which will be in a couple years.

    as for the ex, i totally understand where he's coming from but just because i understand doesn't change how i feel.

    logic isn't an emotion.
  5. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    Yeah. I'm pretty sure I know what you mean. Most of the time it's not their intent, it's my reaction. Like somebody says, "Eh, you're not gonna kill yourself." and part of me goes, "Oh yeah, watch this, moron!"
    But eventually I figured out that I'm not going to give up control like that. For me, a lot of what suicide is about is control, and letting somebody (even unintentionally) forcing me to do it is just flat wrong.
  6. Alicewonders

    Alicewonders Member

    Your mother and father don't know any other way to show their love for you. They really don't.
    They are probably terrified that you might actually end yourself, and they don't know how to handle it.
    Parents react very badly to these situations, because it's beyond anything they know.

    If it's beating you down at home, then you need to get a job and get away.
    Sometimes a different environment with different types of people, more supportive people, can be a godsend.

    Good luck.
  7. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you mean. I tried to tell my Mum how bad I was feeling, I even wrote her a 6 page letter to explain and yet STILL she seemed to think that it was nothing.
    So I threw myself under a car. I felt like it was the only way to get her to see I was serious.
    I feel like she 'challenged' me to show her how serious I was about wanting to die.

    I admit I didn't really want to die, but telling my mother how I felt was huge for me, we aren't close and I was at the end of my tether, telling her was like the final straw and for her to not appreciate where I was coming from or even try to understand meant I felt like I had nothing left.
    I could either show her (actions speaking louder than words)
    Or I could kill myself (take action).

    I felt like I was killing two birds with one stone. I didn't want to die but I kinda hoped I might, it's a huge catch 22 but I wasn't thinking straight.
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