A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Aquarius123, Sep 26, 2010.

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  1. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Dear Friends - it's a well known fact that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But, did you know that a chuckle a day can do the same? I hope you'll join me with your funny stories, anecdotes, poems - whatever. To get the ball rolling, here is my first contribution:

    Do not feed the animals. They are dead.
    (at a Butchers)

    This is the worst chewing gum I have ever tasted.
    (on a condom vending machine)

    Make Love not war. See Driver for details.
    (on the back of a van)

    Back in a minute - Godot
    (Dept of English, Columbia University, NY)

    The future of Scotland is in your hands.
    (urinal wall, St Andrews)

    God is dead - Nietszche.
    Nietsche is dead - God.

    Einstein rules relatively, OK.

    Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

    We are the writing on your wall.

    Join the army,
    meet interesting people,
    and kill them.

    Be alert. Your country needs lerts.

    100,000 lemmings can't be wrong

    Do not adjust your mind!
    There is a fault in reality.

    Save trees - eat a beaver

    Gravity is a myth.
    The Earth sucks.

    God is not dead, but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project.

    Created by Anon.
    Edited by Aquarius​
  2. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    Having given the Doctor a fall description of how he felt the Dr told the man he was borderline clinically depressed. The Dr advised immediate action to prevent him falling further into despair.
    Get yourself a good book and some quiet time to yourself. That was the first thing I tried replied the man, but it got so bad I’d just be reading and when I’d finished I couldn’t remember what I’d read.
    OK how about the latest movie…..tried that said the man.
    A hobby said the Dr! …..problem is said the man I’ve given up all my hobbies as they don’t fulfil me any more.
    The Dr was now getting desperate himself and suddenly he remembers the circus was in town. Go to the circus said the Dr. There is a clown in that circus that has people rolling about laughing and if he can’t cheer you up nothing will!

    The man looked even worse and said,’’ I am that clown’’.
  3. Just_a_guy

    Just_a_guy Well-Known Member

    "God is dead - Nietszche.
    Nietsche is dead - God."

  4. Punk

    Punk Well-Known Member

    A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.

    After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river
    to get a drink.

    The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink
    of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

    The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle.

    He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The
    crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

    The monkey looks down and says, ......."Dude! How much water did you
  5. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
    "For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."

    The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."

    "OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"

    The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"
  6. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

  7. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    Thanks Daijou,

    Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

    If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

    If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

    If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

    If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up"

    If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
  8. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Great! I just love it!

    With love - Aquarius​
  9. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Delightful! Keep'm coming!

    With love - Aquarius​
  10. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member


    With love - Aquarius​
  11. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member


    Another real corker! Thanks and God bless to all of you for your contributions. Let's keep on chuckling.

    Here's a collection of one-liners for you to enjoy:​

    If you have to live from hand to mouth, you’d better be ambidextrous!’ Barbra Streisand in ‘Hello Dolly’

    I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

    Women have many faults; men have only two – everything they say and everything they do!

    An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.

    I do not mind change, as long as it does not alter anything!

    I’m a nobody; nobody is perfect. That means I am perfect!

    I’ve got to sit down and work out where I stand.

    If I save time, when do I get it back?

    Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

    I am free of all prejudices; I hate them all the same.

    Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

    The next statement is true. The previous statement is false. As I said before, I never repeat myself.

    Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

    I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called brightness, but that doesn’t work!

    A conscience does not prevent sin. It only stops you from enjoying it.

    If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    War doesn’t determine who’s right; it determines who’s left.

    Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.

    Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

    If your father is a poor man, it is your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your own stupidity.

    I was born intelligent – education ruined me.

    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. What more can I say?

    If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

    As light travels faster than sound, some people may appear bright – until you hear them speak.

    How come ‘abbreviated’ is such a long word?

    Don’t frown. You never know who is waiting to fall in love with your smile.

    Should women have children after thirty-five? No, thirty-five children are enough

    Living on Earth may be expensive, but it does include an annual free trip round the Sun.

    Our future depends on your dreams. What are you waiting for? Go to sleep!

    Alcohol kills slowly. So what, who’s in a hurry?

    Who are you working for? Always the same people, my wife and four children.

    Can you do anything that other people cannot? Sure, I can read my handwriting.

    A drunk was hauled into court. ‘Mister,’ the Judge began, ‘you’ve been brought here for drinking.’ ‘Great,’ the drunk exclaimed. ‘When do we get started?’

    Do not cry when the Sun sets at the end of each day or your tears may stop you from seeing the beauty of the stars.

    With love and light,
  12. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Re: One-liners

    I love this thread
  13. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    Re: One-liners


    ''education ruined me''.....with me it didn't get a chance I was plain stupid and it failed to have the usual effect!

    Did you hear that the Samaritans tried using a call center in Pakistan? it all went well until a guy phoned and said he felt suicidal. At which point they all got excited and wanted to know if he could drive a truck.
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Re: One-liners

    I'm loving this thread too.... :)
  15. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat.
    How long has this been going on?
    Oh, since I was a kitten!

    Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
    Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
    I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.
  16. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Re: One-liners

    Glad to know it!

    With love - Aquarius​
  17. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Re: One-liners

    Hm, yes... Sad really, but a good one nonetheless.

    With love - Aquarius​
  18. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
    Pull yourself together!

    Doctor, doctor, I can’t get to sleep.
    Lie on the edge of the bed and you’ll soon drop off!

    Doctor, doctor, everyone says I’m invisible.
    Who said that?

    Doctor, doctor, I feel so tired, I don’t know where I am half the time.
    Dentist: Open wide now!

    With love - Aquarius

  19. rojomi

    rojomi Banned Member

    call your bank about that overdraft-in India.
  20. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
    A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
    "That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
    "I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
    "One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
    "Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
    "A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
    "Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
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