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A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Love And Marriage Of Our Time
A young woman submitted the message below about her relationship to her husband to the technical support department of her computer supplier. She received the following reply:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable ones like: AFL 5.0, NRL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What do you suggest I should do?

Yours desperately.

The response:

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 because it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

The best of luck!

* * *​
Children’s Science Exam Questions And Answers

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A: Nearby.

* * *​
Cross Examinations

A collection of allegedly true extracts from courtroom sessions. In each case the questions are from lawyers or barristers and the answers from witnesses. Some of the finest examples of verbal confusion and communication misunderstandings, which highlight the importance of listening and understanding.

Q: ‘The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.’
A: ‘No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.’

* * *

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

* * *

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

* * *

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

* * *

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

* * *

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

* * *

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

* * *

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

* * *

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

* * *

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

* * *

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

* * *

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

* * *

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

* * *

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

* * *

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

* * *

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

* * *​
The Minds Of Children

Until children tell us what they are thinking, we can’t begin to understand how their minds work. The following is an example:

A little boy named Zachary for some time had been doing badly in maths. His parents tried everything they could think of: private tuition, flash cards and special learning centres. Nothing worked until they enrolled Zachary in the local Catholic school. On the first day he returned home with a very serious look on his face. Without kissing his mother hello he went straight to his room and attended to his homework.

Each time his mother looked in on him and to her amazement she saw books and papers spread all over the room and Zachary hard at work. Whenever she called him to dinner, the minute he had finished eating, he went back to his room without saying a word and in no time was hard at work again.

This went on for some time, day after day, leaving the mother puzzling about what could have brought about this difference. This continued until Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and immersed himself in his books. With great trepidation, his mother looked at the card, but to her greatest astonishment Zachary had an ‘A’ in maths. Unable to contain her curiosity, she went to his room and said: ‘Son, what is it that makes you work so hard? Is it the nuns?’ Zachary looked at her and shook his head. ‘Well, then,’ she continued, ‘is it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms or what?’

Looking up at her with a serious expression on his face, Zachary replied: ‘On the first day of school when I saw a man nailed to the plus sign, I knew these people weren’t fooling around.’

* * *​

Excuse notes that were really sent by parents,
complete with original spellings.​

• My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him

• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

• Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

• Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

• Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

• Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

• Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

• Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

• Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

• Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

• Please excuse Burma. She has been sick and under the doctor.

* * *​
Passing Sentence

Judge: Now, Mr Smith, you have been found guilty, but before I pass sentence I wish to ask you a few questions. First, where do you live?

Smith: Oh, up and down.

Judge: I see. Are you employed?

Smith: Oh, now and then.

Judge: And when you are employed, where do you work?

Smith: Oh, here and there.

Judge: Thank you. I’m going to send you to prison now. Take him away, Bailiff.

Smith: Hey, wait a minute. When are you going to let me out?

Judge: Oh, sooner or later.

* * *​
Qantas Service Log Extracts

Allegedly True

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
E = The solution and action taken by the engineers.​

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
E: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
E: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
E: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
E: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
E: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
E: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
E: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
E: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
E: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
E: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
E: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
E: Took hammer away from midget.

* * *​
Children On History

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student howler in an essay. I have pasted together the following ‘history’ of the world from certifiably genuine student howlers collected by teachers throughout the United States from eighth grade through to college level. If you read carefully, you are sure to learn a lot. Richard Lederer, St. Paul’s School.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.

The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

The Pirated are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn’t have history.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in ‘The Iliad’, by Homer. Homer also wrote the ‘Oddity’, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.

There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbours were doing.

When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Parisians had more men.

Eventually the Romans conquered the Geeks.

History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

* * *​
Holidaymakers’ Joys

Some genuine comments from Thomas Cook customers about their holidays.

1. ‘I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.’

2. ‘It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time. This should be banned.’

3. ‘On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.’

4. ‘We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimming costumes and towels.’

7. ‘The beach was too sandy.’

8. ‘We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.’

10. ‘Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined, as my husband spent all day looking at other women.’

12. ‘No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.’

13. ‘There was no egg-slicer in the apartment.’

14. ‘We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.’

15. ‘The roads were uneven.’

16. ‘It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home.’

17. ‘I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.’

18. ‘The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers. Will we be OK staying there?’

19. ‘There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad.’

20. ‘We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning.’

21. ‘It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.’

22. ‘I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite.’

23. ‘My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were given a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room we booked.’

* * *​
Johnny And The Rabbits

Teacher: ‘Johnny, if I give you two rabbits and then another two rabbits plus an additional two rabbits, how many rabbits will you have?’

Johnny: ‘Seven.’

Teacher: ‘No, Johnny. Let me repeat. If I give you two rabbits and then another two rabbits plus an additional two rabbits, how many rabbits will you have?’

Johnny: ‘Seven.’

Teacher: ‘No, Johnny, let me try it another way: ‘If I give you two apples and then another two apples. How many apples will you have?’

Johnny: ‘Four.’

Teacher: ‘Correct. So, if I give you two rabbits and then another two rabbits plus an additional two rabbits, how many rabbits will you have?’

Johnny: ‘Seven.’

Teacher: ‘How on Earth do you figure that out?’

Johnny: ‘I already have one rabbit at home!’

* * *​
From The Borowitz Report

WASHINGTON. Hinting darkly that ‘there’s something going on,’ Donald J. Trump complained on Friday that he has been treated ‘very unfairly’ by the people who wrote the United States Constitution. ‘If the Constitution prevented me from doing one or two things, I’d chalk that up to bad luck,’ he said. ‘But when literally everything I want to do is magically a violation of the Constitution, that’s very unfair and bad treatment.’

Lashing out at the document’s authors, Trump said that ‘America is a great country, but we have maybe the worst constitution writers in the world. Russia has much better constitution writers than we do,’ he said. ‘I talked to Putin, and he said their constitution never gives him problems.’

‘The situation is very unfair!’ he added. In an ominous warning, Trump said that, as of Friday, he was putting the writers of the U.S. Constitution ‘on notice. I don’t have their names yet, but that’s something I’m looking into,’ he said. ‘These jokers are not going to get away with this.’

The author of the Borowitz report is Andy Borowitz. He is a New York Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. In 2001, he created the Borowitz Report, a satirical news column that has millions of readers around the world, for which he won the first-ever National Press Club award for humour.

* * *​
It's A Puzzlement

What do the following words have in common?

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

If you take the first letter of each word, place the letter at the word's end and then read it backwards, it's the same word.

* * *​
Mother Superior’s Last Hours

The Mother Superior of a nunnery was on her deathbed and all nuns were gathered around her trying to make her last hours as pleasant as possible. They talked and read to her, but she did not respond. Eventually one of the sisters remembered that she had an expensive bottle of brandy. She fetched it, poured a good measure of it into a glass and added some milk. This she took to Mother Superior and persuaded her to drink. In no time every last drop of it had disappeared.

After a moment, one of the sisters said: ‘Mother Superior, before you go, will you give us one more piece of your wisdom?’

With her dying breath, Mother Superior whispered: ‘Whatever you do, don’t kill that cow!’

* * *​
Grandma’s Driving Experience

My grandmother is eighty years of age and is still driving. She wrote to me the other day:

Dear Granddaughter,

I recently called at our local Christian book store and saw a bumper sticker that read: ‘Honk, if you love Jesus’. I was feeling particularly enterprising that day, because I had just come from a fine choir performance that had been followed by a powerful prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper and I am glad that I did. Just listen to the uplifting experiences it brought me.

First I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection when I was so lost in thought about the goodness of the Lord that I never saw the light changing. It’s a good thing someone else also loves Jesus. If that person hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

As I went along, I was surprised how many people love Jesus. For example, one day when I was sitting and reflecting about something, a man behind me started honking like crazy. Then he leaned out of his window and shouted: ‘For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What a cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking, so I leaned out of my window to smile and wave at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to show them that I am one of them.

There must have been a man from Florida behind me, because I heard him yelling something about some kind of a beach. Then I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson, who was sitting in the backseat what this signal meant, he said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

As I had never met anyone from Hawaii before, I leaned out of the window and gave the man the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. See, even he was enjoying the experience.

Several people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but at that moment the lights changed. So all I could do was to wave at my brothers and sisters and drive through the intersection.

Sadly mine was the only car that got through before the lights changed again. Feeling a bit upset that I had to leave the others behind, after having shared so much love, I slowed my car down, leaned out of the window and whilst driving away gave them the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time.

Praise the Lord for all the wonderful folk who share our world with me. Take good care of yourself. I’ll write again soon.

With love,

* * *​
About The Elephant

Some time ago, three men, an English, a French and German one were each asked to write a book about elephants. First off the mark was the Frenchman. Within a week he produced his book of 50 pages with the title ‘Love and the Elephant’. Next came the Englishman, who took three months to complete 150 pages called ‘With Gun and Elephant in India’. Two years later, the German appeared with ‘An Introduction to the Study of Elephants’, a 1,000 page tome.

* * *​

Standing in the express lane of my local supermarket, I was quietly fuming about a woman with a shopping trolley that was piled high with groceries and had slipped ahead of me into the express checkout queue. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned her to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly: ‘So, which six items would you like to buy?’ Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

* * *​

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. ‘Young man, we’re both 90 years old,’ the husband said. ‘We may not have 45 minutes.’ They were seated immediately.

* * *​

Three friends from a local congregation were asked: ‘When you’re in your coffin and friends and congregation members are mourning you, what would you like them to say?’ They gave the following replies:

Artie: ‘I would like them to say that I had been a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man.’

Eugene: ‘I would like them to say that I was a great teacher and servant of God, who made a huge difference to people’s lives.’

Al: ‘I’d like them to say: “Look, he’s moving.”’

* * *​

Smith climbs to the top of Mount Sinai to get close enough to talk with God. Looking up, he asks: ‘What does a million years mean to you?’ Back comes the reply: ‘A minute.’ Smith asks: ‘And what does a million dollars mean to you?’ Back comes the reply: ‘A penny.’ ‘Okay then,’ says Smith, ‘can I have a penny?’ ‘Yes, you can. In a minute.’

* * *​

A man went to see a psychiatrist and said: ‘Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?’

‘Relax,’ replied the Doctor. ‘Take a deep breath and calm down. And now tell me where exactly is Larry’s bar?’

* * *​

John was on his deathbed and gasping pitifully. ‘Allow me one last request, dear,’ he said.

‘Of course, John,’ his wife replied.

‘Six months after I die, I want you to marry Bob.’

‘But I thought you hated Bob.’

‘I do!’ John wheezed with his last breath.

* * *​

A man went to see his Rabbi and told him: ‘Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.’

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the Rabbi.

‘My wife is poisoning me.’

‘How can that be?’

‘I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?’

‘Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and let you know.’

A week later the Rabbi called the man and told him: ‘I contacted your wife by phone and spoke with her for three hours. If I were you, I’d take the poison.’

* * *​
Car For Sale

1985 Blue Volkswagen

Only 50 miles

Only first gear and reverse ever used

Never driven hard

Original tyres

Original brakes

Original fuel and oil

Only one driver and careful owner,
who didn't even drive to church on Sundays.

Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off.

In immaculate condition – see the above photo.

* * *​
Hanging On A Rope

Eight men and one woman
Had been rescued from the scene of an accident
And were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.
They were told that the rope
Was not strong enough to carry all of them to safety,
So they decided that one of them had to let go,
As otherwise they would all fall and die.

Unable to choose who that person should be,
They hung on for a while – no pun intended!
But then, an idea came to the woman
And she held a most touching speech.

She said she was going to let go of the rope
Because she, as a woman,
Was accustomed to giving up everything
For her husband and children
And also for men in general.
Therefore, making sacrifices that brought her little in return
Was nothing new to her.

As soon as the woman finished speaking,
The men showed their appreciation
By clapping enthusiastically.

* * *
The River

Completing a temperance sermon, a minister said with great emphasis: ‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’ Becoming even more passionate, he added: ‘And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’ Getting ever more carried away with his own fervour, he shook his fist in the air and shouted: ‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take that and pour it into the river.’ When he had finished, he resumed his seat looking highly pleased with himself. Very cautiously the song leader got to his feet. With a smile and hardly able to hold back his laughter, he announced: ‘For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365 ‘Shall We Gather at the River?’

See you at the river, dear Friends.

* * *
Taking Advice

A young priest had to conduct his first mass and was so nervous that he could hardly speak. He asked his superior afterwards how he had done and how he could overcome his nervousness. The older priest told him: ‘Each time I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to my glass of water. When I’m beginning to feel my nerves playing up, I take a sip.’

Next Sunday the young man followed the advice. ‘Who am I to argue,’ he told himself. As soon as he started his sermon, he felt so nervous that he took a good swig and performed brilliantly, in his view.

Alas, when he returned to his office after mass, the following note had been pinned to the door:
  • Sip the vodka, do not gulp it.
  • There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  • There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  • Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  • Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  • We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  • The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky one.
  • David slew Goliath, he did not kick the hell out of him.
  • When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not stoned off his ass.
  • We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
* * *​

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