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A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Discussion in 'Opinions, Beliefs, & Points of View' started by Aquarius123, May 29, 2011.

  1. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    A Fairy Tale

    A man and his wife were celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary in a quiet romantic restaurant. Suddenly, the most beautiful tiny fairy appeared and said: ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I am granting each of you a wish.’

    The wife answered: ‘I would like to travel around the world with my darling husband.’

    The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – she held two tickets for the Queen Mary II in her hands.

    The husband thought for a moment: ‘Although this is highly romantic, another opportunity like it will never come my way again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife thirty years younger than I am.’

    Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed. But, as a wish is a wish, the fairy waved her magic wand and in an instant the husband turned into a man of ninety-two.

    The moral of this story is: men who are inclined to selfish behaviour should, before making wishes, bear in mind that fairies are feminine.

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  2. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    The Tale Of The Weather Forecaster

    Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. As the weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain for the coming days, the King decided to go fishing with his Queen. On the way to his favourite spot they met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the King the farmer said: ‘Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time a huge amount of rain is going to fall in this area’.

    Being a polite and considerate man, the King replied: ‘I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.’ And that’s what he did. But after a short time there really was a torrential downpour that soaked the King and his Queen, to the delight of their entourage who enjoyed seeing them in this condition.

    The King was furious and upon his return to the palace, he ordered that the weather forecaster should be dismissed. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him this prestigious and highly paid role, but the man replied: ‘Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see his ears drooping, it means with certainty that it’s going to rain.’

    Do you know that the King did? He hired the donkey and that was the beginning of the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in governments and allowing them to occupy the highest and most influential positions. That practice is unbroken to this day.

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  3. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Grandparent’s Answering Machine Message

    Good morning. We are not at home, so please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeep . . .

    If you are one of our children, dial 1.
    Then select one of the options from 1 to 5 in order of your birth date, so we know who is calling.

    If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
    If you want to borrow the car, press 3
    If you want us to wash your clothes and do the ironing, press 4
    If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
    If you want us to pick up the children from school, press 6
    If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or have one delivered to your home, press 7
    If you want to come to eat here, press 8
    If you need money, press 9
    If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theatre, start talking. We are listening.

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  4. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Wives And Their Husbands

    A number of women were attending a seminar for the healing of their relationship with their husbands. The first lesson consisted of trying to salvage something from the wreckage of the romance that had once existed between them. When the instructor asked: ‘How many of you love your husband?’, all women raised their hands. The next question was: ‘When was the last time you told your husband you love him?’ Some of the women answered today, a few yesterday and some couldn’t remember when they did.

    Then the women were told to send a text to their husbands saying something like: ‘I love you, my dearest.’

    Here are some replies:
    • Who the hell is this?
    • Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
    • Yeh, and I love you too. What’s up with you?
    • What now? Did you crash the car again?
    • I don’t understand what you mean?
    • What the hell did you do now?
    • ?!?
    • Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
    • Am I dreaming?
    • There’ll be trouble, if you don’t tell me for whom this message is meant to be.
    • I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
    • Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

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  5. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member


    Where Is Paradise And Where Is Hell?

    Paradise is where:
    Chefs are Italians,
    Mechanics – German,
    Police – English,
    Lovers – French,
    And the organisers – Swiss.

    Hell is where:
    Chefs are English,
    Mechanics – French,
    Police – German,
    Lovers – Swiss,
    And the organisers – Italian.

    * * *


     
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  6. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    The Importance Of Humour

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    The following is the essence of teachings from the White Eagle group of spirit guides from various sources. ‘The Spontaneous Joy Of The Spirit’ Stella Polaris Aug/Sept 2011: ‘If you do not wish to chain yourselves to the heaviness of the Earth atmosphere, do not be too serious and solemn in all your encounters. At times be very still and quiet, but not without having the joy of the spirit singing within you and the laughter of the spirit on your face. We, your spirit guides in the world of light, have a good sense of humour and nothing gives us greater pleasure than hearing and seeing the joy of your spirit bubbling up in you. We encourage happiness, zest for life and a sense that whatever is happening in your world is right because it fulfils a wise higher purpose.’

    ‘Stella Polaris’ February/March 2007: ‘Make an effort to cultivate a sense of humour to enable you to treat as amusing that which otherwise would irritate and annoy in your human siblings. Be understanding, feel with them and do not allow their foibles and shortcomings to fill your mind with darkness. Instead, cast the warming beam of humour onto these things and turn them into light.’

    ‘Sayings of the Gentle Brother – Simplicity’: ‘Do not forget that we, your guides from the world of spirit, are with you always. We look upon all happenings on the Earth plane with great love and many times with humour. Oh yes, we have a great sense of humour. It is of the kindly type and we hope that with the passing of time yours will become ever more like ours. In all situations you will find it a great help if you can keep your heart smiling and your eyes twinkling.’

    ‘The Quiet Mind – Just Laugh!’: ‘If everything goes wrong, just laugh! Let your laughter have its fling and let go of things. Keep your vision on God and know that in the end everything is sure to come right. And that is the truth.’

    ‘The Source of all our Strength – Enjoy Fun’: ‘Life is not meant to be solemn, but filled with joy and laughter. Think of life as being eternal and that you, a tiny spark of that Divine, are learning to walk a path that leads you to conscious reunion with your Heavenly true parents. The ultimate goal of your existence is this union with Divine love and peace, joy and – yes – fun.’

    White Eagle ‘On Festivals & Celebrations’: ‘May we all cultivate a sense of humour, to enable us to see as amusing those things in humankind that would otherwise irritate and annoy us. Be understanding and feel with your siblings when something about them irritates and annoys you. Turn their darkness into light by casting the warming beam of humour into whatever it may be. Never forget that in humour, the same as in all things, it is necessary to be wise, so let yours only ever be of the kind variety.’

    The White Eagle calendar June 2017: ‘We like to see you happy and joyous, loving the light and warmth of the Sun, the beautiful colours around you and all other blessings that are constantly coming your way, for this is why the Great Father/Mother of all life created them. That’s why we encourage you to spend what remains of your earthly days with laughter and kindness in your hearts towards all lifeforms that share your world with you. Look for the humorous side of the difficulties that exist in your world and you will often find that they disappear quite magically.’

     
  7. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines

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    Rowland Emmett’s Featherstone Kite Gentlemen’s Flying Machine

    To see it in action, please follow the link below:

    ‘Come fly with me!’

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  8. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    A Clock With A Difference

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    Please click the image of the clock
    to find out what time it is precisely in your part of the world.

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  9. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Meeting In The Park

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    Two men were sitting on a park bench one morning. They started a conversation that went as follows:

    A: What are you going to do today?

    B: Nothing.

    A: You did that yesterday.

    B: I know, but I didn’t finish it.

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  10. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    If You Love It . . .

    If you love something, set it free.
    If it comes back, it will always be yours.
    If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.
    But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
    Eats your food, uses your telephone,takes your money
    And doesn’t seem to realise that you want to set it free,
    You are either married to it or gave birth to it.
    I came . . . I saw . . . I gave up!

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  11. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    A Child’s View

    A little boy and his mother were in a doctor’s waiting room. He walked over to a pregnant lady and after having had a good look at her, he asked: ‘Why is your tummy was so big?’

    With a smile the woman replied: ‘Because I’m having a baby.’

    When the boy had thought about this for a moment, he said: ‘Is the baby in your tummy?’

    ‘Yes,’ replied the woman. That seemed to puzzle the lad even more, so he ventured forth: ‘Is your baby a good one?’

    ‘Well yes, it surely is,’ replied the lady.

    With a shocked look on his face, the boy queried: ‘Then why did you eat it?’

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  12. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Heteronyms
    In linguistics, a heteronym (also known as a heterophone) is a word that is written identically but has a different pronunciation and meaning. In other words, they are homographs that are not homophones. Thus, row (propel with oars) and row (argument) are heteronyms, but mean (intend) and mean (average) are not (since they are pronounced the same). Heteronym pronunciation may vary in vowel realisation, in stress pattern or in other ways.
    • The bandage was wound around the wound.
    • The farm was used to produce produce.
    • The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
    • We must polish the Polish furniture..
    • He could lead if he would get the lead out.
    • The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
    • Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
    • A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
    • When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
    • I did not object to the object.
    • The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
    • There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
    • They were too close to the door to close it.
    • The buck does funny things when the does are present.
    • A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
    • To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
    • The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.
    • Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
    • I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
    • How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
    Let’s face it, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger and neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. If we explore the paradoxes of English, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to asylums for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people and not computers. It reflects the creativity of the human race, which of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

    PS. Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ’quick’?

    And then there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word and that is ’UP.’ It’s easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

    A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

    To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in a dictionary. In a desk-sized one it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.

    One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP and it’s time for me to shut UP. Now it’s UP to you what you do with this.

    Created by Anon.
    Edited by Aquarius

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  13. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    The Husband Store

    To help women find the husband of their dreams, a store that sells new husbands recently opened in New York City. At the entrance are instructions of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store only once. There are six floors and the value of the products increases as you ascend to them. You can choose any item from one of the floors or move to the next one. Going down is only allowed for exiting the building.

    Whenever a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband, on the first floor she finds the following sign:

    Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

    Although intrigued, she continues to the second floor with this sign:

    Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love children.

    ‘How nice!’ she thinks. ‘Ah, but I want more.’

    So she continues to the third floor and finds this sign:

    Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love children and are extremely good looking.

    ‘Wow,’ she thinks. But still she feels compelled to keep going.

    Up she goes to the fourth floor. Here the sign says:

    Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love children are very good looking and love helping with housework.

    ‘Oh, mercy me! It can hardly get better,’ she thinks to herself. Yet, still wants to try the fifth floor where the sign reads:

    Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love children, are gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is very tempted to stay but can’t resist going to the sixth floor, where she finds this sign:

    Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men here. It merely exists as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for visiting the Husband Store.

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  14. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Exam Papers
    General Educational Development (GED) tests are a group of five subject tests which, when passed, certify that the test taker has American or Canadian high school-level academic skills. The following questions were set in last year’s examination. The following are some of the answers that were actually given by pupils from the age of sixteen years:

    Q. Name the four seasons.
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q. How is dew formed?
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
    A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q. What are steroids?
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Q. What happens to your body as you age?
    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A. Premature death.

    Q. What is artificial insemination?
    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A. Keep it in the cow.

    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised, for example the abdomen?
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie.

    Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
    A. Nearby.

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

    Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’.
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor.

    Q. What is a terminal illness?
    A. When you are sick at the airport.

    Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature of it?
    A. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and look like umbrellas

    Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
    A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

    Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    Q. What is a turbine?
    A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

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  15. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Frozen Windows

    One cold winter’s morning a wife at home texted her husband in the office: ‘Windows frozen, won’t open.’

    The husband replied: ‘Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.’

    Five minutes later the wife texted back: ‘Computer now really screwed up. What shall I do?’

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  16. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Reflections By Will Rogers

    William Penn Adair Rogers was better known as Will Rogers. He was born November 4, 1879 and died August 15, 1935. He was an American cowboy, comedian, humorist, social commentator, vaudeville performer, actor and one of the best-known celebrities in the 1920s and 1930s.

    Known as Oklahoma's favourite son, Rogers was born to a prominent Cherokee Nation family in Indian Territory, now part of Oklahoma. He travelled round the world three times, made 50 silent films and 21 talkies, wrote more than 4,000 nationally-syndicated newspaper columns and with the passing of time became a world-famous figure. By the mid-1930s, Rogers was adored by the American people. He was the leading political wit of the Progressive Era and also a top-paid Hollywood movie star at the time. Rogers died in 1935 with aviator Wiley Post, when their small air plane crashed near Barrow, Alaska. Here are some of his recommendations:

    1. Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

    2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

    3. There are two theories about arguing with a woman.
    Neither works.

    4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

    5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

    6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

    7. The quickest way of doubling your money is to fold it
    and put it back into your pocket.

    8. There are three kinds of men:
    The ones that learn by reading.
    The few who learn by observation.
    The rest of them have to pee on an electric fence
    to find out for themselves.

    9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

    10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
    to make sure it's still there.

    11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

    12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
    He kept this up until a hunter came along and shot him.
    My advice: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

    Finally: Never squat while wearing your spurs!

    About Growing Older

    First: You will reach a point when you stop lying
    about your age and start bragging about it.

    Second: The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

    Third: Some people try to turn back their odometers.
    Not me. I want people to know why I look this way.
    I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

    Fourth: When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
    think of Algebra.

    Fifth: You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

    Sixth: I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

    Seventh: One of the many things no one tells you about getting old
    is what a nice change it is from being young.

    Eighth: One has to wait until evening to be able to tell how good the day has been.

    Ninth: Being young is beautiful, but being old is much more comfortable.

    Tenth: Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
    it was called witchcraft. Today they call it golf.

    And, finally: If you don't learn to laugh at troubles,
    you'll certainly have nothing to laugh at when you're old.

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  17. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Traffic Jam With A Difference

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    Watch the frustration of drivers when they encounter a row of old folks who are crossing a road in an orderly fashion to get to a corner store, only to discover that it’s closed when they are almost there.

    See what happens by following the link below:

    ‘Traffic Jam’

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  18. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    The Sat Nav

    In The Style Of Pam Eyres

    I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car
    A Satnav is a driver’s friend, it tells you where you are.
    I have a little Satnav, I’ve had it all my life.
    It’s better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
    It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive.
    ‘It’s sixty miles an hour’, it says, ‘You’re doing sixty five’.
    It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake,
    And that it’s never ever safe to overtake.

    It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green.
    It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
    It lists the vehicles just in front and all those to the rear
    And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
    I’m sure no other driver has so helpful a device,
    For when we leave and lock the car, it continues its advice.

    It fills me up with counselling, each journey’s pretty fraught.
    So why don’t I exchange it and get a quieter sort?
    Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I’m properly fed.
    It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed.
    Despite all these advantages and my tendency to scoff,
    I only wish at times that I could turn the darned thing off.

    Author Unknown

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  19. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Independence Day

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    Greetings, my fellow Zubukians! I intended to address you today from the balcony of Government House. Unfortunately, current circumstances preclude that, so I must ask you to accept this television broadcast as a substitute. When I finish speaking here, I shall try to make my way to Revolution Square and review the annual parade of our magnificent Republican Guard, after the insurg . . . er . . . merrymakers now occupying that holiest of grounds have, entirely of their own free will, dispersed. I am informed that this will be within an hour.

    For all of us, this is a solemn day, yet also a joyous one. Solemn because it gives us the opportunity to commune on a national basis, feeling ourselves at one with our ancestors, and joyous because it was exactly twenty years ago that we threw off the yoke of colonialism. Further, it is nineteen years to the day since the events took place which resulted in my becoming Prime Minister and, three weeks later, President of our beloved country.

    I am deeply conscious of the heavy burdens placed upon me by the simultaneous holding of the two highest offices of our state, the more so as there is nobody who will, or can, lift them from me. I fear that I shall not be able to relinquish these duties this side of the grave. We live in troubled times. Everywhere in the world there is disorder, and we cannot insulate ourselves. There is no denying that we have our problems. Even in my own party, the National Alliance for Zubukian Integration, there has been unrest and, it must be admitted, corruption. Many of you will recall that only seventeen short years ago, I was obliged to dismiss the ministers of finance, home affairs, foreign relations and transport. Having no suitable replacements, I was forced to assume their portfolios myself- – yet more responsibilities that I shall, however reluctantly, be required to discharge for the rest of my days.

    Why shall I not be able to cast off these millstones? I think you know. During the post-colonial disturbances, every party but my own in our hallowed land simply disintegrated, vanishing virtually overnight. It was left to us alone to carry the inextinguishable torch of democracy. True, there was an attempt made recently to form a viable opposition. To my deepest chagrin, that effort failed. I was greatly distressed by the collapse of the Alternative Progressive Enlightenment- – the APE -party.

    Feelings ran high at the time, and the prevailing mood affected me as much as anyone. I cannot look back without a sense of deep sorrow at my last words to the leader of the aspirant rival organisation. I merely intended to convey my admiration of the man as, so to speak, the dominant male in his movement. It was regrettable that I referred to him as the chief ape. Also, my remark was ill-timed, coming as it did two hours before the untimely and, I emphasise, totally accidental demise of that fine young statesman. May his soul forgive me.

    The unfortunate disappearance of the APE party was not the last of our troubles. Even now there are elements in our revered homeland intent upon fomenting strife. Indeed, it is for this reason that I speak now from the National Security Compound, surrounded by three- – yes, three- – concentric perimeter fences of four-metre-high electrified wire. I ask you to remember that fact, though the last thing I want is to be separated from you by the defences of a totally impregnable fortress. My dearest wish is to be among you, wringing your . . . hands. Yes, my friends, your hands.

    Our former colonial masters claimed to have left us with a working governmental system. I spit upon their assertion. If they had made adequate provision before their departure, why were we compelled to discard their arrangements? We even had to change the name of our country. The colonists left us with what? I will remind you. The stark and unimaginative Zubukia. With our modernisation plan, we changed that in less than two years to the People”s Democratic Republic of Zubukia, or PDRZ. Can anyone doubt that this is more appropriate to our status in the world?

    My compatriots, we have recently been the target of unwarranted attention from various external bodies. The international team that visited us last year concluded that literacy standards here had declined since colonial days. I spit upon their report. They said that the level was formerly fifty-two per cent and that it had fallen to twenty-three per cent. Do these meddlers not realise that we have our own traditions, our storytellers, to meet our needs? Notwithstanding that, I strive ceaselessly for improvement. I aim to ensure that in under ten years, there will a book in every school and, where there is evening tuition, a candle in each classroom.

    We have been told by another agency, whose name I cannot bear to utter, that we lag behind other democracies in terms of our degree of enfranchisement. I spit upon this supposed finding. Is it not true that every first-born male over the age of forty in our country now has the vote? How does that accord with the monstrous charge against us? Obviously it does not. Our advance has been exemplary and will continue at an appropriate pace.

    I must now deal with the most unworthy of all the accusations hurled at us. I refer to a bulletin issued by the World Bank, saying that our ninety-billion-dollar finds of oil, gas, uranium, platinum, gold and copper should have been better used in the last nine years. We are told that a land of four million people should be reaping greater benefits from such bounty. At the risk of being censured for excessive expectoration, I spit upon that document. Such malice can have been engendered only by the fact that no interest has yet been paid on the loan of twelve billion dollars, made to us by the Bank eight years ago.

    Who is at fault? These legalised loan sharks should have known better than to bury our poor country under such a mountain of money. Our financial structure could not cope. Inevitably, there was confusion, multipartite transactions and complex pecuniary allocations which I struggle unflaggingly to trace. I was, sorrowfully, obliged to seek the assistance of a certain European country, well-versed in these matters. The World Bank asks where the funds in question are now. I answer that that is m . . . our business. Further, if the masters of usury continue to badger us, I shall, on your behalf, repudiate the debt. Do you hear this, you Shylocks in Washington? Not one shavaster shall I pay.

    Now, my friends, the cares of state demand that I leave you for the moment. I hear the clanking and rumbling of those tribulations closing in upon me. They are constantly at my gate. If you can still see or hear this transmission, I ask you to join me in singing our national anthem, Zubukia Forever. Let the rafters ring!

    From Madazine

    By kind permission of the author.

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  20. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    How about a genuine Pam Ayres poem now?
    I suspect that someone wrote ‘The Sat Nav’ of a few days ago
    in response to Pam’s ode below:

    They Should Have Asked My Husband

    This world is complicated, imperfect, and oppressed,
    And it’s not hard to feel timid, apprehensive and depressed.
    It seems that all around us tides of questions ebb and flow;
    People want solutions, but they don’t know where to go.
    Opinions abound, but who is wrong and who is right?
    People need a prophet, a diffuser of the light;
    Someone they can turn to, as the crises rage and swirl;
    Someone with the remedy, the wisdom and the pearl.

    Well, they should have asked my husband!
    He’d have told them, then and there,
    His thoughts on emigration, teenage mothers, Tony Blair,
    The future of the monarchy, house prices in the South,
    The wait for hip replacements, BSE, and foot and mouth.

    Yes, they should have asked my husband!
    He can sort out any mess;
    He can rejuvenate the railways, and cure the NHS.
    So, any little niggle, anything you want to know,
    Just run it past my husband, wind him up and let him go!

    Congestion on the motorways, free holidays for thugs,
    The damage to the ozone layer, refugees, and drugs?
    These may defeat the brain of any politician bloke,
    But present it to my husband; he’ll solve it, at a stroke!
    He’ll clarify the situation, he will make it crystal clear.

    You’ll feel the glazing of your eyeballs
    And the bending of your ear.
    Corruption at the top? He’s an authority on that,
    And the Maffia, Gadhaffia, and Yassa Arafat.
    Upon these areas, he brings his intellect to shine,
    In a great, compelling voice
    That’s twice as loud as yours or mine.
    I often wonder what it must be like to be so strong,
    Infallible, articulate, self-confident, and wrong.

    When it comes to tolerance, he hasn’t got a lot:
    Joy-riders should be guillotined,
    And muggers ought to be shot!
    The sound of his own voice becomes like music to his ears,
    And he hasn’t got an inkling that he’s boring us to tears.

    My friends don’t call so often;
    They have busy lives, I know,
    And it’s not every day one wants to hear
    A windbag suck and blow.
    Encyclopaedias? On them, we never have to call.
    Why clutter up the bookshelf, when my husband knows it all?

    Pam Ayres

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