A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

[Aquarius123]

Doctor, Doctor​

An immigrant doctor sets up a private clinic in the United States and posts an advertisement ‘Will cure anything for $ 500 or pay back twice.’

An American sees this and senses an opportunity to make a fortune. ‘I’ll get those 1000 dollars from him alright, and to think of the money I’ll make when I also get to sue that quack for fraud.’

Consequently he goes to the doctor and says: ‘Doctor, I seem to have lost all taste!’

‘Nurse, three drops from bottle #22 for this gentleman, please,’ the doctor instructs. The man swallows the three drops, starts retching and spitting, and shouts: ‘For the love of God, that’s gasoline! Are you trying to poison me?!’

‘I see that your taste has returned. That’ll be $ 500!’

The man pays up and is determined to try again. A week later, he comes back and claims: ‘Doctor, I’m suffering from memory loss, I can barely remember a thing!’

‘Nurse, three drops from bottle number 22, please,’ the doctor says.

‘Wait a minute, that’s gasoline again!’

‘I see that your memory has returned. That’ll be $500.’

The man is really angry but must pay up. A week later, he decides to have another go.

‘Doctor, I’m getting blind! I can barely see anything!’

The doctor examines him and shakes his head. ‘I’m afraid I can’t help you with that. Here’s your $1000!’

‘But that’s just 10 dollars!’

‘Congratulations, your vision has returned! That’ll be $500!’

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

A Speedy Nag
​

A woman visited a psychiatrist and pleaded: ‘You’ve got to help me, Doctor. My husband thinks he’s a racehorse. He neighs, sleeps on straw and even eats grain!’

‘That surely is a new one,’ responded the psychiatrist, stifling a snicker. ‘Nonetheless, I should be able to help him, but I have to warn you – it’s going to be very costly!’ ‘Oh, money isn’t an issue,’ replied the wife. ‘He’s already won two races.’

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

For Cooling You Down During A Heatwave

please follow the link below:

'Cooling Pictures'

How cool can anyone get?

* * *

​

 

[Aquarius123]

The Traffic Warden’s Funeral
​

When the coffin was lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice could be heard from inside the casket that screamed: ‘I’m not dead! I’m not dead! Let me out!’

Smiling to himself, the Vicar leaned forward and muttered: ‘Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.’

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

Thanks For The Memory

​

Leslie Townes Hope, better known as Bob Hope, 1903 – 2003, was born in Eltham, London, England. Comedian, vaudevillian, actor, singer, dancer, athlete, and author, his career spanned nearly eighty years. He appeared in over seventy films and shorts, including a series of Road Movies co-starring Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour. In addition to hosting the Academy Awards fourteen times, more than any other host, he appeared in many stage productions and television roles and was the author of fourteen books. The song ‘Thanks For the Memory’ is widely regarded to be his signature tune.

On his death bed Bob was asked where he wanted to be buried. He replied: ‘Surprise me.’ Here are a few more of his quotes:

ON TURNING 70
‘I still chase women, but only downhill.’

ON TURNING 80
‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’

ON TURNING 90
‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’

ON TURNING 100
‘I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER OF BOXING
‘I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or as it’s called at my home ‘Passover’.

ON GOLF
‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’

ON PRESIDENTS
‘I have performed for twelve presidents but entertained only six.’

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBUSINESS FOR HIS CAREER
‘When I was born, the doctor said to my mother: ‘Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.’’

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.’

ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY
‘Four of us slept in one bed. When it got cold mother threw on another brother.’

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
‘That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
‘I would not have had anything to eat if it weren’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
‘I’ve done benefits for all religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’

Thank you, Bob, for sharing your gifts with us so generously and for such a long time.

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

The Hearing Test​

A couple had been married forty years when the husband became so concerned about his wife that he decided to discuss the matter with their doctor before her next scheduled physical. He said: ‘Doctor, I am really worried about my wife’s hearing. She does not seem to hear me when I call her! What can I do?’

The doctor told the man that he himself could conduct an informal hearing test as follows: first call her from far away and see if she answers. If she does not, call her from a little nearer. Each time she does not respond, try the same from a bit closer. Once you get a response from her, note the distance and report back to me so that we can discuss her possible needs for a hearing aid.

No sooner said than done! The following day the husband got to work. First he called his wife from the basement of their house: ‘What’s for dinner, dear?’ No response. He went up the stairs a bit and repeated his question. No response. From the top of the stairs he called again. No response. From a few rooms away from the kitchen he tried once more. No response. From the room next to it the same happened. Finally he stood at the kitchen door and asked. His wife turned towards him and shouted: ‘For the sixth time, we are having veggie burgers, mashed potatoes and green beans!’

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

Celibacy

​

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by life’s circumstances, for example: During a marriage guidance weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet, the instructor told the participants: ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to the other one.’

Turning to the men, he added: ‘Can you name your wife’s favourite flower?' Leaning over and gently touching Janet’s arm, Ken whispered: ‘Homepride, isn’t it?’

And that’s how Ken’s life of celibacy began.

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

P.S. American equivalents of ‘Homepride’ are ‘Gold Medal’ and ‘Pillsbury’.

 

[Aquarius123]

Mental Health Clinic - Answering Machine Messages​

Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline. . .

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the star key or the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

The Soccer Match​

Two long-time friends who loved playing soccer made a pact in their younger days. They agreed that whoever died first would try to contact the one left behind with information as to whether soccer was played in the world of spirit. Both adored the game so much that they looked forward to continue playing it after leaving the Earth plane.

When the first of them had passed on, the other one waited to see whether his friend on the other side of the veil that separates our two world would find a way of contacting him. Lo and behold! One day, he received a message that his friend had some good and some bad news for him. ‘The good news is,’ his friend said, ‘that we do play soccer here and the bad news is that tomorrow you will be our goal keeper.’

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

Special Offer​

‘My dear friend Moscowitz, this is your lucky day! Have I got a bargain for you? A big healthy trained elephant! And for you only, just a thousand dollars!’

‘Are you crazy?’ replies Moscowitz. ‘I live in a two-room fourth-floor apartment. What do I want with an elephant?’

‘You’re a tough man, Moscowitz. You drive a hard bargain. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. For another two hundred dollars, I’ll throw in a beautiful baby elephant. Both elephants for only twelve hundred dollars. How’s that?’

‘Ah, now you’re talking!’

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

The Spanish Lesson​

A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are either masculine or feminine. She explained as follows:

House is ‘la casa’ and feminine,
Pencil is ‘el lapiz’ and therefore masculine.

One of her students asked: ‘What gender is computer?’

Instead of supplying them with the answer, the teacher first split her class into two groups, one male and the other female. Then she asked her pupils to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group had to give four reasons for its decision.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender, ‘la computadora’, because:

1. No-one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to men.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your earnings on accessories.

Wait for it – it gets better!

The women’s group decided that computer should be a masculine word, el computador, for the following reasons:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you have committed yourself to one of them, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won.

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

E-Mail Addresses​

An Alaskan couple decided to go to Florida during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon twenty years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travelling, so the husband left Alaska and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife planned to join him two days later.

The husband arrived and checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and sent it without realising his error.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He had been a minister and was called home to his maker after a heart attack. Expecting messages from relatives and friends, the lady decided to check her emails. When she read the first one, she screamed and fainted. When her son rushed into the room and saw his mother on the floor, he found the following e-mail on the computer screen:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject : I have arrived!
Date: October 16, 2007

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and checked in. I have made sure that everything has been prepared for your arrival. Looking forward to seeing you very soon, dear. Your ever loving husband.

P.S. It sure is hot down here!

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

The Beginning Of The Internet

​

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, many called her Amazon Dot Com.

One day she said unto her husband Abraham: ‘Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?’

Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: ‘How, dearest?’

Dot replied: ‘I will place drums in all the towns and some in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and people will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).’

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And so they did and became an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS). She also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures and called it ‘Hebrew To The People’ (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading like a greedy horsefly takes to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of the drums that no-one noticed that the real riches were going to the most enterprising drum dealer known as Brother William of Gates. He bought every drum maker in the land and then insisted that drums should only be made that work with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

Sadly Dot said: ‘Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.’

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known and said: ‘We need a name that reflects who and what we are.’

Dot replied: ‘Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.’

‘YAHOO,’ said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being a young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK), soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

The Internet Prayer

Thank you, Great White Spirit,
Father/Mother of all life,
For the beauty and wonder of Your Creation.
Thank you for allowing us all to take part in
The natural beauty of the planet
You have given into our care,
Our beloved Mother Earth.

Thank you for also providing us with the ideas
For the technical revolution that has been taking place
In our world for quite some time.
May Your creative ideas continue to inspire all of us,
And especially our scientists and technicians,
So they too can do their share of making our world into
An ever more beautiful and peaceful place
Where all can partake freely and equally in
The gifts that so generously flow from Your abundance.

We thank You for the miracle of the Internet
And the connections it makes possible in seconds
For meeting and getting to know
Like-minded people throughout our whole planet.
Not only they but everyone is our sibling
In the family of humankind.
We are Your children of the Earth.
Please help all of us to become aware of our true nature,
So that we may tune into Your wisdom and truth
Until our whole world, including the Internet,
Is filled with Your light and Mother Earth
Turns into a planet of healing and peace.

Guide and protect us and show us how to use
All your gifts wisely and especially
The Internet. Help us to treat it with respect
And use it for the highest good of all,
As a tool and instrument that brings
Ever more understanding into our world.
Help us to treat every one of the miracles
Of Your Creation, technical and otherwise,
With the reverence they deserve
And with love for You,
The One who brings all things into being
And who has created and constantly re-creates
Us and this splendid world for all to enjoy.

Guide and protect us and
Help us to make our contribution towards
Our own salvation and redemption,
Of each other, our world and
Everything that shares is with us.
Hand in hand with You and the Angels,
In accordance with Your will and wishes,
It shall be so, now and forever.

Amen

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

The New Flood

​

A new flood is foretold. In five days the rain will be incessant and our world wiped out.

The Dalai Lama in an interview asks all Buddhists to prepare for their next reincarnation.

The Pope holds an audience and advises all Catholics to confess their sins and pray.

The Chief Rabbi of Israel on TV announces: ‘Friends, we have five days to learn how to live under water.’

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

Religious Humour​

A lady was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. ‘Is there anything breakable in this parcel?’ asked the postal clerk. ‘Only the Ten Commandments,’ the woman replied.

There are only two kinds of people in the world. Those who wake up in the morning and say: ‘Good morning, Lord,’ and those who wake up in the morning and say: ‘Good Lord, its morning.’

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. He put a note under the windshield wiper that read: ‘I have circled the block ten times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.’ When he returned, he found a ticket from a police officer along with this note: ‘I’ve circled this block for ten years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.’

A pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: ‘I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have enough money to pay for our new gym fellowship hall building program. The bad news is, the money is still in your pockets.’

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. Attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign that read: ‘Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution! Do not step into what drops from the exhaust.’

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with: ‘Boys and girls, what do you know about God?’ A hand shot up. ‘God is an artist!’ the child said. ‘Really? How do you know that?’ asked the teacher. ‘It’s because our Father, who does art in Heaven,’ the youngster replied.

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with petrol before going on a holiday weekend. Although the attendant worked quickly, the minister had to wait a long time because there were many cars ahead of him. Finally the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. ‘Reverend,’ he said, ‘I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems that everyone waited until the last minute to get ready for today’s trip.’ The minister chuckled: ‘I know just what you mean. It’s like that in my business, too.’

Some people are strange. They want to sit at the front of the bus, the back of the church and still be the centre of attention.

One Sunday after church a mother asked her small daughter what the lesson had been about. The girl replied: ‘Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.’ The mother was perplexed. The pastor later called at their house, so she asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson had been about. The reply was: ‘Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.’

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how to prepare his congregation for donating more money than usual towards the repair bill of their church building. To his annoyance he found that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last moment, who wanted to know what to play. ‘Here’s a copy of the service,’ the minister said. ‘You’ll have to think of something suitable to play after I make the announcement about the finances.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

Fun With Words​

Lexophilia is the love of words and a Lexophile is a person who appreciates the nuances that can sometimes be played with in words, for example ‘you can tune a piano, but you cannot tuna fish’ or ‘to write with a broken pencil is pointless.’ Here we go:

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s
all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone. It’s just two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the
end.

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

Jeff Foxworthy On New Englanders​

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might live in New England.

If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Mt Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you live in New England.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through to May, you live in New England.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in New England.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you live in New England.

If you’ve ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialled a wrong number, you live in New England.

‘Vacation’ means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

You have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day, and back again.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.

You design your children’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You only know four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

‘Down South’ to you means Philadelphia.

Your neighbour throws a party to celebrate his new shed.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 10 degrees ‘a little chilly.’

P.S. For Non-Americans: Jeffrey Marshall Foxworthy, born September 6, 1958, is an American stand-up comedian, actor, television and radio personality, author and voice artist.

* * *​

 

[Aquarius123]

How About A Spot Of Scrabble?

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z’S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

* * *
​