A confession, and a plea

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Cortez, Nov 21, 2010.

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  1. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Went into a drunken rage last night again....in public. I was provoking men, provoking people, being aggressive, being annoying, beyond beyond stupid.

    How long will this continue, when will I stop? when I get the shit beaten out of me, stabbed or shot in my face, on my body, when I get killed? This fuckin alcohol it is the worst thing in the world and that's why when I choose to drink it's definite self destruction. So many things can go wrong when I am drinking, I feel I escape barely with my life every time I get drunk. A person like me especially shouldn't be drinking, I am angry, hostile, hateful, aggressive, I have serious issues and add alcohol with it.....that in itself is like suicide.

    Last night I had no fear, not a care in the world, I would've thrown down with anyone if it lead to it. This morning I wake up and I am scared shitless, I fear for what could've happened last night (and every time I drink). This morning I woke up in a feeling of shock.....that I survived everything and escaped unharmed.

    I don't even drink that often but when I do...this stuff happens. I must stop, I have to, I need to find the strength to, the anxiety eats me alive the the next day after I drink. I need to find and use all my strength, power,heart, soul, and dedication to stop drinking. I am scared. If anyone who is reading this right now is religious can you please say a prayer for me to give me the strength to stop drinking. I am desperate to abstain. I feel how I will be able to completely abstain since I am only 22? I feel like it is only normal for people in their 20s to be drinking. But then again a person like me (no matter the age) should not be drinking alcohol at all.
  2. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    When you drink you put others at risk as well as yourself. You do need to stop drinking. It is not easy to stop drinking but it can be done. You are going to have to do it. You could contact a self-help group such as Alcoholics Anonymous.
  3. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    What made you want to start drinking that night? Were you drinking alone, or with people?

  4. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Yes that is true, I could hurt someone if I lost control in a moment of passion and I'm not trying to get arrested or be sent to jail.

    I attended one AA meeting one time but I didn't like it because of it's religious perspective on the illness (alcohol addiction). I felt out of place, everyone was in their 40s and above, going through things such as job loss, divorce, losing their homes. It would be nice to talk to someone around my age who understands the pressure and urge to drink and the pressure because everyone else in are age group is doing it. I basically felt like a baby in the AA meeting whose problems seemed so trivial compared to everyone else's. But I would like to join a group of some kind that deals with alcoholism and works to abstain from it.
  5. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I went to my older sister's birthday bash, then went to an after party at some club, which is where I started to "act up".
  6. confusedgirl

    confusedgirl Well-Known Member

    I hope you manage to get some support very soon, your still young with your life ahead of you, don't slip up by getting yourself in Trouble. Could you prehaps take up a sport or a new hobby to keep your mind active? Your in my thoughts, stay safe Hun xx
  7. varek

    varek Well-Known Member

    I think maybe I can relate to you, I've got some problems with alcohol too.. I'm not quite dependant on it, but when I start I have trouble stopping, and it usually brings out the worse in me. I get aggressive, angry, violent and anti-social most of the time.

    I think the solution is maybe to avoid drink until you're in a more positive state of mind.. I think being drunk exacerbates the bad feelings and it can be quite dangerous.

    How did you feel about the people you were with? How was your mood around the time you started drinking? Were you happy or nervous or what?
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you can get addiction coucelling without going to AA there are other groups out there phone you hospital and see what they have in that area okay Do it now don't wait okay get things moving in a positive direction .
  9. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Thank you all for your comments.
  10. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I feel tremendousness guilt, shame, and embarrassment over my actions.

    I feel alone right now and severely depressed. I want warmth and security, communication and camaraderie, it would make me feel less angry, less cynical. The anxiety I feel is overwhelming.

    I hope I get some peaceful sleep tonight.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you sleep well to sleep is always a good escape take care.
  12. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Thank you.
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