A Curious Experience

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Obnoxiously_Pretentious, Dec 5, 2010.

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  1. Obnoxiously_Pretentious

    Obnoxiously_Pretentious Active Member

    Three years ago, as a senior in high school and at my lowest point, I had a really odd experience. I've been wondering for a long time whether something similar has happened to anyone else.

    At the time, I was contemplating suicide via xxx Although I did not belong to a suicide/depression forum, I was very obsessive about the subject and very often went online just to read about it (taking depressive/suicide screening tests, reading prevention sites, reading pro-suicide sites, looking over suicide notes, skimming through forums). I read about one woman who tried to xxxx. She said that even though she was completely unresponsive, she was still very aware of auditory stimuli. This happened to me a week later:

    I woke up as a normally would for school but I found that I couldn't move. My senses were very acute (I could distinctly feel my matress below me and my comforter laying heavily upon me. I could hear the water running as my mom showered in the bathroom.) But no matter what, I was completely unresponsive. I tried to sit up, but found I couldn't. I tried to wiggle my fingers, but they wouldn't obey. I tried to open my eyes, but they were glued shut. But regardless of being paralyzed in bed, I didn't feel any fear at all. It was pure relief. And I distictly remembering my first thought that morning to be 'Oh, thank god. I finally got the balls to overdose.'

    So I laid there for about 10 minutes, genuinely thinking that I was dying, and peacefully listened as my mother finished her shower, went off to kitchen (and seeing I was there), came back to my room to yell at me. It wasn't until then that it even crossed my mind that dying was supposed to be a horrible experience. My mother's voice, and the thought of her finding me half-dead, startled me out of my paralysis in an instant and I jumped out of bed like it was on fire.

    I was very, very disturbed by this because it gave me insight that I didn't think death was as scary as I thought I did. Is an enlightening moment like this unusual, or has anyone else had this?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 5, 2010
  2. Joshuwa

    Joshuwa Well-Known Member

    sounds like you experienced sleep paralysis which isn't that uncommon

    I've experienced it once and i found it terrifying
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    ues when i was small then agian just a few years back i was paralysed couldn't scream couldn't move it was frightneing both of the times not peacful at all. Probably a form of dissassociation i don't know but i hope it never happens again. death is permanent and i don't want to be there.
     
  4. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    I once thought i woke and saw a big spider on the wall above my head, i panicked and tried to jump out of bed but i could'nt and i was just frozen. That was only for like 5 secs or so and then managed to jump out of bed, there was no spider and i think i was actually asleep. It was very scary being frozen there. Sounds like some sort of sleep paralysis.
     
  5. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    I've only had sleep paralysis maybe once or twice and it was frightening. I think I've had dreams of my own funeral, but I can't be sure. I know I've had dreams of being in hell and those sometimes terrify me into staying alive. I know it can be a horrible reason to stay alive. I was raised as a Christian and even though sometimes I doubt the existence of God, one thing I'll never stop believing in is hell. Even imagining it in a daydream is terrifying.
     
  6. Obnoxiously_Pretentious

    Obnoxiously_Pretentious Active Member

    Yeah, I suppose it was just a normal case of sleep paralysis. It was just so eerie how at peace I was with it, particularly since I was convinced that I was dying. Now that the worst of it has passed, I'd probably flip a lid if something like that ever happened again. But it always makes me wonder how close I really was to giving it a try.

    As for death dreams, I've always been terrified of the impending death, but once I'm actually being killed, I just kind of think: 'Oh, I guess this isn't too bad.'

    Anyway, thank you so much for your responses, guys. I just really need to find people I can relate with.

    Edit: I just realized that my first post was censored. How annoying. It's like like it's going to give anybody any new ideas.
     
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