A day in the life....or diary of a lunatic!

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Terry, Dec 22, 2009.

  1. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    The day started with a bang with the arrival of the plumber at the ungodly hour of 8am.

    Hugging me dressing gown to my dishevelled self I dashed into the bathroom to find I had pillow face :dry:
    For anyone who has never suffered this phenomenon, basically your face is a wrinkled mass from where you've scrunched your pillow.
    I also found a lovely white patch of dried drool at the side of mouth.

    Wandering out of the bathroom in search of tea, I bump into plumber, suddenly my scaredy cat of a Lem :cat: (who once ran away from a mechanical mouse) spies the plumber, takes instant umbrage and attacks :eek:hmy:.
    Plumber informs me, as I pull off hissing spitting cat from his leg, that he's not overly fond of cats; bet he's even less fond now :blink:

    Afternoon passes without event :smile:

    Cooks curry for tea, with those really hot little chillies.
    Late evening, a sudden rumbling in stomach has me hotfooting it to the bathroom, sits down...suddenly I'm jet proppelled to the ceiling.
    Mole wanders down and comments on the legs dangling from the ceiling ..with me screaming from the roof...PULL DAMN IT PULL!!!
    Am duly returned to the earth where Johnny Cash takes up singing from my backside http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tmzxM_XvQA


    Fled to bed with a burning bum and a headache ...more another day! :tongue:
     
    booklovr likes this.
  2. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Hi Terry, hope it's a better day today :hug:
     
  3. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    :rofl: Ah pillow face! I know it well.

    Luckily I've managed to avoid The Curry Experience, hope the ring of fire has burned itself out by now :console:

    Eagerly awaiting the next instalment in your eventful life :biggrin:
     
  4. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    :laugh: Cracking stuff Terry :tongue:
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Woke up with the lark .... I really must stop sleeping with all and sundry :angel:
     
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Well the Christmas cheer is alive and well and living somewhere else!
    On venturing out to the shops, foolhardy I know, I watched agog as two women came to blows over the last pot of cream.
    Managed to pick up a black eye ......but got a good punch in on her nose, over a cheese board...she said she saw it first I BEG TO DIFFER!!!! :poo:

    Managed to struggle home with her hanging on me coat tails :dry:

    Gets in, son hasn't done a thing but tells me how tired he is and when's dinner!
    Clean house from top to bottom, make lasagna (don't have time to eat it) wash up, prep everything for tomorrow, feed cat, birds and any stray soul in the vicinity...son has nap on settee :dry:

    Wrap presents, more sellotape on me than paper ...son wakes and demands sausage rolls.
    Wash up from sausage rolls.
    Do the annual phone round to wish every sod and its git a merry Christmas.
    Cook 100 mince pies for the Salvation Army homeless dinner, run down round with the 100 mince pies balanced precariously on trays....discover woman still attached to coat tails!.

    Rush back to discover son has made himself a snack...do washing up!
    Feeds cat, birds and a passing drunk...wash up!

    Son yawns and retires to bed..has had such a busy day :dry:

    And men wonder why women look harassed at Christmas :eek:hmy:

    MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!! :laugh:
     
  7. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    haha! >.<
    Ahhn~ I'm not even a mom yet, but I know how you feel!

    I hope it was okay for me to laugh...because I did. lol
     
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    JOY!!! Christmas day is over :sparkle:
    Marauding hoards arrived at about noon, devoured everything in sight, completely undid all the cleaning of the last few days...dogs ran in and out leaving paw marks all over me nice clean floor. Cat took one look and hackled up like a hedgehog.
    Cooker looks like someone threw the bomb, sink has sagged under the weight of the washing up and peanuts, crisps and assorted pretzels litter chairs floor and every nook and cranny.
    Son broke his diet and ate till he looked several sizes larger than when he got up this morning.
    He then proceeded to drink a whole bottle of wine, umpteen beers and then finished off the bottle of red I had a glass out of.
    Is now comotose on his bed making noises like an elephant :laugh:
    I've left the washing up and retired to me wonderful bed, cat is curled contentedly in the crook of my arm ...alls right with the world :smile:
     
  9. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    REVENGE!!! :tongue:
    Beloved son crept down the stairs with the hangover from hell...loving mother(me :laugh:) promptly fried eggs and bacon :angel:
    Son retires to bathroom from where loud retching noises are heard :puke:
    Turned on stereo and blasted house with the 1812 overture..son clutched head and screamed for aspirin :tongue:
    LIFE IS GOOD :laugh:
     
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    SO!!! has just applied toothpaste ON A ZIT that resembles mount etna!! has cap on head and pulled various strands of hair through holes in cap and applied bleach...sinks back with cup of tea to await the 30 minutes of bleach magic that will give perfect streaks....WHEN...doorbell rings!
    Tries to hide but bell goes again...sneaks (resembling member of SAS) to window to peak round curtain...gets spotted ..by couple in very business like suits.. thinks "hello is baliffs" and stupidly answers door!
    "Have u let Jesus in and have a copy of the Watch Tower!" greets pissed off ears..annouces "Jesus called, but I was plucking eyebrows" and informs GITS that watchtower is good for cat to piss on :dry:
    Suited couplle go into spiel..informs suited couple is CATHOLIC and therefore one step removed from SATANISTS!!
    Suited couple try for the big convert..get told "to get stuffed and remove Jehovah arses from door step" They look surprised.
    Tells them "Pope rules..even if has Nazi roots".
    Shuts door to find tea is cold and streaks (was bleaching hair) have become candy floss textured white clumps....due to having, by this time, been bleaching, for 50 mintues! :rolleyes:
    Applies lavish amounts of hair conditioner...to attempt repair of over bleached hair :dry:
    Wipes off toothpaste to discover ZIT has taken over entire face :dry:
    Decides this is vengeance for sending GOD squad on its way..with cob up its arse and immediately decides on doing Novena (9 days of rosary) to make amends!
    Gives up on day 5...sells soul to devil...zit disappears..wins lottery...loses 3 thousand pounds over night... hair is so fab, random man faints at sight of it...oh and aliens landed..took over world and green is the new white :dry:

    Obviously, has not sold soul to devil..won the lottery or mated with green alien race..instead..has foul hair...large zit ...and has someone selling BIG ISSUE ..squatting in front room (what could I do..they was homeless?)!
     
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Is so drunk that nicotine stain on ceiling looks better than anything Damien Hurst ever produced....come to think of it ..pile of shit from cat looks better than anything Damien Hurst ever produced and smells (phew) better than Chanel and costs a great deal less :dry:
     
  12. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    How could I have missed the previous post too? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

    Terry you really are THE best medicine!
     
  13. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    The Great Cardigan Hunt ...or how to waste an entire saturday!

    So, was up before the birds were tweeting.
    Slung a cup of tea down gullet, taking out tonsils with heat and then scythed into the housework.
    With one hand in the sink washing up, other hand making dad's flamiing eccles cakes, foot working the vacuum cleaner, other foot with toilet brush stuck between toes cleaning the loo; I managed to get done before the Farts (aka aged parents) arrived at door with dogs, undoing everything I'd achieved that morning :dry:

    After being filled in with all the news, dad's constipation, mum's arthritis and the stretch limo evening for Robert's birthday ...mum and I hit the shops.
    This is nice says mum, I look and its gorgeous, long cardigan with really sophisticated band round collar and down the front.
    It floats like a dream until Terry sticks it on where it immediately takes on the aspect of a navy blue sausage skin :mad:
    We throw the offending article on to hanger and depart for the next shop.

    Two shops later mum is cooing over a light blue delight of a cardigan, I slip it on and promptly look like I'm about to give birth to twins :mad:

    As if this outrage wasnt enough I'd stupidly gone out in new shoes that were now making their presence felt in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS!

    Hobbling into Edinburgh Wool, the bastard git sod of a sales woman has the CHEEK to offer me a cardigan that my great gran would have said was old fashioned. I wither the bitch with an icy stare and she asks me if I have piles and she knows a wonderful cream :mad:
    I tell her to take cream and shove it where the sun don't shine when it occurs to me thats exactly what she would do with it :dry:

    We flee Edinburgh Wool (never to return) when mum has the brilliant idea of knitting a cardie. She then proceeds to drag me two miles to wool shop ...shoes have now been renamed the Marquis de Sade and feet are screaming to be rescued.
    Crawling on hands and knees into wool shop we peruse the patterns, find the perfect one everything right, goes to purchase pattern and wool ...ITS OUT OF FECKING STOCK!!!
    I kid you not had I had an Uzi handy no one would be left standing :mad:
    Eyes mother with a mind to murder ...have some nice rat poison in the shed!
    Happily mother takes one look at my face, which pressed into the carpet of the wool shop, and realises her imminent danger!
    She suggests home, I hang on her neck in gratitude with the firm resolve to just wear me bloody fleeces if it's cold!
     
  14. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    OH JOY!!!

    Started the day by putting my foot in a hot steaming pile of cat vomit :puke:
    Got downstairs to find the drain overflowing, donned rubber gloves and ewwww stuck hand down drain .....half a ton of son's hair later :puke:

    Sailed off to clean cat tray (thought get all the foul jobs out the way) and promptly put foot in steaming cat turd that had missed the tray :puke:

    At last, evening, feet up, Eastenders on TV when son bursts into the room .."The internet is down ...massive packet loss then nothing"
    Oh dear says I, son repeats .."The internet is down ...massive packet loss then nothing" as if continually saying it will make it go away.
    I make suitable clucking noises and he leaves.

    30 minutes later down comes son .."The internet is down ...massive packet loss then nothing"
    I ask him what he thinks I can do about it, he snipes back with "well something!" As he has no idea what this something is that I should do, whole conversation degenerates into a row where I threaten to stick vomitty turd foot up his backside! He leaves forthwith.

    Son up and down at regular 30 minute intervals to inform its still down......
    2 hours later Terry is raving lunatic cursing all internet providers and looking for a suitable plot in garden to bury son's beaten to death body!

    Retire to bed and am just dozing off when son bursts into room to inform its back on....well thanks for that as was pleasantly dozing in a Johnny Depp scene!

    Now can't sleep and am cursing the day I ever got a cat, son or bloody internet!
     
  15. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    We're into day four of little to no net....hair has turned white and has a tendency to stick out at odd angles.
    Have taken to mumbling under breath and dribbling down front :eek:hmy:
    Mole (beloved son :dry:) is in imminent danger of the flaying of his life should he mention said net one more time :diablo:

    Happily Obama has taken the front seat on the Son front and many a heated discussion has taken place on the subject of arsehole allies who are worse than enemies....personally I thank God that an arsehole is the president as it has taken son's mind off the lack of net and has him eagerly awaiting the next edition of the Times and joining the russian communist party :dry:

    Meanwhile, dad is the grumpiest person on the planet and tbh why shouldnt he be...three solid days of vomitting from the chemo definetly earns him the right to be grump of the year.

    Mum is full of the fact that "I might" be moving nearer...good GOD am I mad :sparkle:
    During all this mayhem, son announces he's off to the peak district for a fortnight. ANYONE IN DOUBT OF A GOD TAKE NOTE...HE DEFINETLY EXISTS AND HE'S ON MY SIDE!!!!!!
    Given that Mole hasn't been outside in nearly 7 years, Iam, to say the least FUCKING GOB SMACKED!!!!
    Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I have duly accepted the list of demands that have been presented for this forth coming event. :dry:

    I give u all fair warning! Should son not remove his arse to peaks on friday............... I will ban all and sundry because they exist...will kill all people that come into my ambit and then will get megally drunk!!!!

    YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.....WATCH THIS SPACE!!!
     
  16. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    What a week :blink:

    The forth coming venture to the Peak district has become the pivotal point of my life :dry:
    First was the mountain of washing that miraculously appeared from beloved son.
    Then there was the obligatory shopping for new clothes, the dry cleaning of his sleeping bag and the constant nagging about what he needed to make his trip a success :dry:

    All in the middle of this, we might be moving....in some of my darker moments I plot moving with no forwarding address :diablo:
    However, this excellent plan was scuppered by canny son who promptly asked me for my parents telephone number :eek:hwell: Scuppered, scuppered and scuppered again.

    One more day to go and he's off, wanna bet he lasts all of two days and phones demanding I pick him up :laugh:
     
  17. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Message to all members!!! You are safe from a rampaging Terry :biggrin:

    Mole has left, I got him up at 5am, walked him down to the railway station and at 6.35am he sailed away.... :faint:

    I came home with a strange feeling of bereftness :eek:hmy:

    I then got ready and sallied forth to view flat in Chelmsford.
    Dad wanted me to take it no matter what (understandable, he wants me nearer) and row then ensued because I wasn't saying yes before I'd got in the door :dry:
    Flat is actually really nice, just the area I'm a bit unsure about.

    Of course beloved son had to make this week to be away out of all the weeks of the past seven years :dry: so I have to make decision on own and whatever I decide it will be wrong :laugh:

    Got home, had now been up for 20 hours so was tripping nicely on lack of sleep, grabbed cat and large bottle of wine, stuck Harry Potter on dvd player and proceeded to get very drunk, putting all decisions on hold.

    Woke up with pillow face, wet pillow and the hangover from hell.....not sure what I did to cat but he's giving me a filthy look from the bottom of the bed :laugh:
     
  18. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Well beloved son lasted 5 days out of the 15 he was suppposed to be away :dry:
    Tho to be fair to him, he got flooded out and returned home with a hacking cough and a bag full of water logged clothes.
    Never seen anyone happier to be in a warm house with dry clothes on :laugh:

    We now start the mammoth task of boxing everything we own :eek:hmy: and OH MY do we own a lot!!
    Where the hell does all this stuff come from :laugh:

    I am, as we speak, knee deep in books, dvds, old vhs tapes and assorted crap!

    Mole has taken one look and retired to his bedroom, either to avoid being roped in to help, or from fear he will be bagged tagged and boxed :laugh:

    Lem :cat: has hidden himself under the bed having taken on the idea that something is occuring that doesn't bode well for cats!

    If there is one thing I hate it's moving!! and everytime I do it, I swear I will have a massive clean out and then have a place for everything and everything in its place.
    Of course I will decide that everything must go with me, just incase it comes in handy at some point and everything will be back in a hopeless jumble within weeks :laugh:

    Viva la chaos :yay:
     
  19. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    The Tale of the Tick (or why wasnt I struck blind at birth?)

    Ah son is well and truly home and driving me mad :dry:

    Running up and down between Braintree and Chelmsford, I have began to feel like a limp rag.
    Thursday was pick up keys day, so duly up at crack of dawn and trying to get ready.
    Phone rings, housing department wanting eta on picking up of keys....drip water from interrupted shower all over floor...inform housing will get there when I arrive :dry:
    Pop back into shower.....phone rings.....dad wanting eta on arrival...gets told same thing as housing :dry:
    Emerge from 3rd attempt at showering to be confronted by beloved son :mad:
    Son is clutching a plastic bag, as if life depends on it, shouting look this was in my knee!
    I look.
    I see nothing.
    Son dancing on spot demands I see inmate of plastic food bag!
    Glasses on and large magnifying glass I spot a little black dot ....assume its a poppy seed.
    FOOL!!! screams son tis Lime disease carrying deer tick! and they are all over me.

    At this point all sensitive souls are WARNED to proceed no further in reading!!

    Son demands I check every inch of his body for said ticks :eek:hmy:

    Now don't get me wrong, it's not as if I haven't seen naked son before! there were various nappy changes, toddler baths etc. that have occured during his life. However, these were many moons ago and long before voice broke or there was any sign of so much as a hair follicle on his body!

    So! there he is stood in front room, naked as day he was born with me clutching magnifying glass and attempting to find any ticks amid the mass of gorilla hair he seems to have sprouted since he hit puberty!
    "Don't forget to check bum crack!" demands son!
    Would that I had poked out eyes whilst son was in the Peak district......surely this is above and beyond parental duty!!!
    Thank God he drew the line at having his mother eyeing his private parts thru a magnifying glass and did that bit himself!!!!

    Happily no more offending ticks were found and we set off for A&E with the only poppy seed...sorry tick that he'd managed to find.
    A&E doc put him on a course of antibiotics just to be safe and was heard laughing his arse off on the other side of the curtain when told of the tick hunt I'd endured earlier!
    Am now having recurring nightmares of hairy bum cracks and wishing I'd never had children!!!:lol!:
     
  20. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    :rofl: i love these posts!