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A day in the life....or diary of a lunatic!

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Terry, Dec 22, 2009.

  1. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    @Terry maybe you need to get you a phone and go "catch 'em all"? Take your mind off smoking ;) Well done for persevering though!
     
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  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ah the joys of a sudden heat wave :rolleyes: Lu has become a complete fleabag and I'm back to spraying the entire house and attacking the cat with assorted flea treatments.....JOY!

    Am still persevering with the Vape machine, but woe betide anyone who lights up the real thing within my vicinity. :mad:

    Have managed to scare myself silly with a gem of a film called Deliver Us from Evil.
    Needless to say, all lights were left on and assorted rosaries decorated my bed.
    Mole gave me an hour long lecture on the evils of watching shit I know will scare me witless. :oops:
     
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  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    We seem to be winning on the flea front and Lu is a much happier cat.
    However, now he's not spending the entire day scratching, he's got somewhat mischievous.:rolleyes:
    Mole, who is always panicking that Lu has got out, has had 3 days of Lu hiding himself somewhere in the house; sending Mole into a search frenzy.
    I usually wait about half an hour, then call Lu, who then appears as if by magic.
    Mole is not amused. :p

    Meanwhile, I had a slight accident, when up a step ladder, I was so busy singing at the top of my lungs to Adam and the Ants (Prince Charming, Prince Charming) I forgot I was up the ladder and stepped into nothing :oops:
    Mole is threatening me with care homes :eek:
     
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  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I've come to the conclusion Mole has inherited my evil streak. :p

    The new area manager at his place of work, is, to quote Mole, "A fucking snake and arsehole!"
    I gather, from this description, Mole doesn't like him!
    Apparently this feeling is common among the staff, as they refer to him as: Weasel, Shithead, C***, and F***head; accordingly.

    Today the Arsehole Snake appears to have thoroughly upset my son.
    He came home in a ranting mood and turned the air blue with some choice invectives.
    Mole, it seems, is about to knock his block off! :eek:

    After mulling the ensuing list of offences committed by the Snake, I suggested to Mole he swear at him in Yiddish.
    Thanks to my Grandfather I learned some choice Yiddish words and curses. :D

    And so began a cunning plan ;)
    Mole looks very jewish, having taken after my grandfather.
    He has coal black hair, dark eyes and dark skin and is always being mistaken for Jewish, Arabic, Greek etc.

    I proposed that the next time the Snake picked on him, he should look askance at him and ask if he had a problem with him because of his Jewish heritage. (which wouldn't actually be a lie as his great grandfather was Jewish).
    Mole, got right into the spirit of the ploy and followed through with, if he (the Snake) starts protesting his innocence of any anti Semitism; Mole will put up his hand and say "I'm not comfortable discussing this with you alone, perhaps we should get someone from HR to come down.
    Being anti semitic in England is tantamount to being Hitler!

    So psychological war has been declared. ;)
     
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Oh. My. Goodness. That is diabolical. LOL! I love it.
     
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    It is, but it's better than Mole hitting him and losing his job and getting a criminal record; especially as all the staff agree the new Manager is a wind up merchant of the highest order. :p
     
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Terry, I love you. Your take on the world always has humor! I wish I had that special knack! *big hugs*
     
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    So Aunt, Uncle and Cousin Midal have taken themselves off to Majorca.
    Much discussion was given over what to call Midal whilst in Majorca, as she has several pseudonyms whilst abroad.
    Tenerife: The Tenerife Tart.
    Benidorm: The Benidorm Babe.
    And now: The Majorca Minx. :cool:
    You may gather from this that Midal is a man eater and you would be right :p

    Meanwhile, Cousin Debbie's rescue dog, Dotty, completely lived up to her name by getting her head stuck in a watering can. :eek:
    I did point out to Debs that though I had said "water the dogs regularly while we have this heatwave"; I actually meant keep their water bowls full and not involve watering cans!

    Aged seems to be on a spending spree and has taken to attempt to buy anything I should happen to look at.
    Upshot is I'm going round stores with blinkers on and never saying anything is nice.

    Mole has brought a Star of David as part of his 'Lets bugger the Snake' ploy, I would say it's lovely (cos it is) but Aged might get wind of it and buy me one. :rolleyes:
     
  9. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Mole has been tracing his ancestry and today he discovered a shocking connection :eek:
    Apparently, on his father's side (thank God it's not on mine) Mole is a distant relative of..........wait for it.............Sarah Palin o_O
    This discovery has had him running through the house screaming "Sarah Palin...Fucking Sarah Palin!!!"
    He is now looking into Deed Poll to change his surname to my maiden name. :p
     
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :oops:Lu has yet another name.

    Original name: Lucifer
    abbreviations: Lu, Lewis, Louis.
    Me being me: Lulabubashmedalbod, Smurfatydffel (anyone welsh will get the reference) lollylow and Smeed!

    His latest name, is Mr Underfoot, for obvious reasons :rolleyes:
     
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    So, it was my birthday this Saturday, and Mole being Mole, threw the Civil War dvd at me and said "Knew you wanted this, I'll buy you a Chinese tonight".
    Ever gracious my son :rolleyes:

    Aged, who is getting rather doddery and frail, hadn't had either the energy, or a clue as to what to get me; so proceeded to throw money at me like it was going out of fashion.
    Luckily, I wanted the Penny Dreadful series, so I got that and told her to put her money back in her purse.
    She then insisted on getting me 3 other dvds she knew I wanted and I only escaped further purchases by dragging her off for tea.

    Cousin Midal came dashing into the café, announcing to the world and it's brother (at the top of lungs) that it was Terry's birthday. :D She then proceed to hug me till my ribs were bust and grinning ear to ear, handed me a card.
    She then completely blotted her copy book by announcing my age to the entire café. :eek:
    As it was Midal, she was swiftly forgiven and I got another rib crushing hug.

    Lu licked my feet o_O which according to Mole, is a cat birthday kiss. I just think he wanted cheese. :oops:
     
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  12. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Happy Belated Birthday!
     
  13. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Thanks hun :D
     
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  14. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Penny Dreadful turned out to be FABULOUS!
    Am completely addicted. :D

    Due to Mole's back problems (which will never get better) He is now working in the office.
    He hated it at first, but now they've discovered he's a computer wiz, he's head of IT as well as dealing with any customer complaints.
    Today Bookers, tomorrow the world! :p

    I told him he should go into politics, as he has a really good grasp of the subject (much better than me) and reminded him of what he was like when he was a little boy.
    We're catholic, and the norm is that the eldest son goes into the priesthood.
    When my neighbour once said to him "so are you going to be a priest when you grow up?" He immediately retorted "Nah, Pope!"
    Mole's philosophy, if you're going to do it, go for the top. :rolleyes:
     
  15. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    FAMILIES! :mad:

    Aged has not been feeling so well of late.
    Some of it is just age catching up, but there seems to be some underlying thing that knocks her for 6 every so often
    I've finally nagged her to the doctor's and she's to have a blood test to check all is well.
    When not feeing too good she gets tired quickly and unsteady on her feet.

    Now every Friday, she and aunt Val have gone into Brentwood for the afternoon.
    They shop, have lunch out and generally have a good time.
    However, Aunt tends to shop till Aged drops o_O and Aged has been finding it a bit too much.
    Should Aunt have other things to do she will drop Aged like a hot brick and no one is supposed to mind.
    Actually no one does, she has something else going, on fair enough!
    This attitude, however, does not work both ways. :mad:

    2 Saturdays ago , Aged had said to me that she wanted to knock the Friday trips on the head until she's sorted out what ails her.
    "Fair enough", says I, "what's the problem?" Aged having that 'I'm about to be eaten by lions' look on her face.
    Turns out she was terrified of telling Aunt Val, as Aunt has a propensity for having a major snit.

    We get to the café, Aged fretting more and more, Aunt, Uncle and Midal arrive, everyone chatting at once; when Aged drops the "I need to stop Fridays for a while" bomb. :eek:
    If looks could kill, Aged should have shrivelled up on the spot!
    You could have cut the air with a knife and dagger looks shot from their table to ours.
    I was fuming, but one look at Aged's face told me to keep my temper.

    Next Saturday, we awaited the mob in the café, Aged looking more and more strained; no one came.
    If it was left to me I would have phoned Aunt and given her a piece of my mind.
    FFS Aunt is 73 and Aged is 80, one or both could drop dead at anytime and Aunt thinks they have time to be sulking and alienated.

    This Saturday, I suggested to Aged, that a change of tea and cake venue was on the cards, she doesn't need the stress!
    She happily agreed, but had got some of her mettle back and followed up with "I'm too old to be playing silly buggers, the ball is now in Val's court."
    I did point out that really how dare she be feeling ill and discombobulating Aunt in such a fashion :rolleyes: Aged sniggered.
    She'd just popped into Holland and Barretts, when I spied Uncle Pete two doors down.
    I shot into H&B's like a bolting rabbit.
    Aged crumbled and said "I can't deal with seeing them today".
    So, there I am, a grown woman, peering round corners and creeping along the walls to M&S to ascertain the coast is clear.
    I'm then waving Aged on and out of sight.

    Recounting the whole thing to Mole that night, Mole was as pissed off as I am.
    Mole, however, is very unlikely to hold back should he bump into Aunt, so if a bomb goes off in the vicinity of Chelmsford, it will be Mole blowing up my Aunt. o_O
     
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  16. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I decided to try coming off of my anti depressants, so the last two weeks have cut down per instructions from doc.
    Now I am very even tempered. but coming of meds has had a unforeseen side effect.
    Firstly, I still want to roast my Aunt alive and today Mole had the stupid audacity to speak to me in a passive aggressive manner. o_O
    The feeling of RAGE swept through my entire being and Mole got blasted by a diatribe that could flay skin. :mad:
    Because this is such a rare occasion, the last rage blast occurring sometime in 1999, Mole looked like a startled rabbit
    I let forth every aggravating thing he ever did, "Never speak to me in passive aggressive mode again or I kill you!" and generally gave him the list off all the things I do for him that he takes for granted, a lecture on the perils of not respecting said parent and finished off with "Up yours!".
    Mole slunk away to hide in his bedroom. ;)

    Some 35 minutes later, a cup of tea appeared as if by magic, and...................wait for it.......................he washed up :eek: Given that Mole wouldn't know what washing up liquid looks like, I was, to say the least, GOBSMACKED!

    I need to lose my temper more often :p
     
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  17. IdontMatter111

    IdontMatter111 meh..............just meh

    Terry, Thank you so much for all your posts. They have cheered me up!! you are hilarious! Have you ever considered becoming a writer because i could read you all day!! you have the knack for story telling and although its a serious subject you still manage to put some humour in.... Thank you very much from one very appreciative reader... :)
     
  18. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I love it when people get the humour.
    A laugh at ourselves does us good I think.
     
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  19. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    With all the news of an impending 3rd world war, famine, poverty, satanic cult theories and 'End of Days' prophecies; Aged and I were waxing lyrical on the 'Rapture'.
    All was going along pleasantly, when it suddenly occurred to us both that we might be found 'wanting' in the fit for rapture department. :eek:
    A swift check on sins both past and present and I was ready for the fires of hell, so Aged and I opened the brandy and got merrily squiffy. :rolleyes:
    World war III not withstanding, we couldn't have given a rat's arse.

    Meanwhile, I had a blast from the past.
    On switching on the light in the kitchen, I was back (see earlier posts) to the disco kitchen, with the light going strobe.
    As I am on very strong pain killers, which make me feel like I've had magic mushrooms; the ensuing flashing lights had me singing "Age of Aquarius", digging out me kaftan and going barefoot.
    Woodstock here I come!
    Imagine my delight, when, on entering the bathroom, the light had joined the kitchen one. :mad:
    So am back to cooking and bathing by candlelight until the required 'specialist' lights arrive.
    Ain't life grand :p
     
  20. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Honestly, anyone hearing conversations in my house would assume I'm being bullied by beloved son :D
    As we were having a Greek dinner this evening, I was in the middle of preparing koftas, to which I was adding a Greek salad, when I realised I'd forgotten the feta cheese.
    I swear to God we had some, but apparently I was hallucinating. :rolleyes:
    I pop my head round Mole's door and said "Get a gun and shoot me!"
    Mole immediately got up from his desk and went in search of his antique pistol (a present from his grandfather).
    Muttering under his breath, I got, "Is it too much to ask that when one is having Greek the necessary components are in the house!"

    Having gone back to finishing off the koftas, Mole appeared and demanded to know if I had found the feta.
    On receiving a negative and a "we can still have Greek salad, just sans the feta." I promptly got informed that it was hardly asking for the moon to have a Greek salad with the requisite cheese.
    (Well that's me told :oops:)
    "I suppose I'll have to go and get it" gripes Mole, and proceeds to whinge about the working man being deprived of his proper dinner and mother's that are obviously losing the plot!

    On returning with the necessary feta, I was informed, that should I now say I had forgotten the pitta bread I would meet a torturous and foul death! :eek:
    Happily I hadn't so I live to forget something another day. :p
     
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