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A day in the life....or diary of a lunatic!


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Aged wanted to buy some food for the wild birds, now that we have been plunged into winter.
Perusing the bird seed shelf, I spotted something called 'Insect Medley', a mixture of dried insects and mealworm.
"Lovely" says I, "Perhaps I should get a bag and put it on Mole's plate and tell him it's his dinner." :p
Aged immediately guffawed and a passing stranger was grinning ear to ear.
Obviously my evil streak causes mirth in like minded people.;)


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Latest studies on people with RH negative blood proposes that they maybe alien.
I have A neg blood and therefore lack the monkey rhesus gene. :eek:
According to the study, rh neg people usually have red hair and green eyes, I had both and as my blood group is rare am supposed to wear an SOS bracelet.
To top this, apparently, all people who have recounted alien abduction have turned out to have rhesus negative blood!
On mentioning this to Mole, I got, "I bloody knew it!" followed up with "ET phone home".
Mole is O positive and therefore smugly human. :rolleyes:
I now live with constant hummings of the Close Encounters theme, remarks on Quatermass and the Pit and "Go home Martian!".


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
It just occurred to me that mayhap the 'Rapture' will be Aged and I going back to Mars! :eek:
"Beam me up Scotty."

Meanwhile, I have been hit by an insomnia bomb :confused:
I am now into day 4 of no sleep and look like something from 'Night of the Living Dead'.
On passing the bathroom mirror this morning, I let out a loud scream at the monster in my bathroom; who, unhappily, turned out to be me!
My eyes have taken on an aspect of panda and my skin has turned a very unfetching shade of grey.
Brain cells have left the building (not that they were firing on all cylinders when I was getting sleep) and I am running out of films to watch in the wee small (AWAKE) hours.
Hopefully I will eventually crash and sleep will take over; knowing my luck I'll be at the bus stop or the supermarket when it happens.
I can just see the news headline now 'Woman found comatose in the alcohol aisle, has she drunk the stock?'


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
The 'alien' quips from Mole continue a pace and we seem to be constantly sending each other into fits of laughter.

If anyone wonders where this sense of humour came from, my grandfather is to blame.
When, many moons ago, I was young and both grandparents were alive; we had all gone to the beach.
My nan was possibly the most complex and fascinating person I have ever met.
She was deeply into spiritualism and Grandad always reffered to my nan and her friends as the witches.
Whilst on the beach, nan, in total nan fashion, stood up and looked at the sea; following through with "It's calling me, hold me back, hold me back".
Grandad immediately muttered under his breath, "Let her go, Let her go!" :D
So is it any wonder I've grown up with a sarcastic vein and a wicked sense of humour?


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My family are, quite frankly, animal mad.

I grew up with a plethora of furry beings and Mole's childhood has been the same.
I already had 2 cats when he was born, Tooshka and Set.
Tooshka I found in a cupboard at work, her Persian coat was so matted that she couldn't walk.
At the time I was working in a unit for severely disturbed kids, some of whom were very cruel to animals.
I rushed Tooshka to the vets, where she had to be sedated and shaved bald :eek:.
The poor thing had cigarette burns all over her body and was seriously underweight.
I took her home, fattened her up, had her spayed and when her coat grew back and she looked like a Russian hat, so I called her Tooshka.
Set's owner was sent to prison and one of the kids begged me to take the cat, so I did.
He and Tooshka became great mates. :D

When Mole was three years old, we were down by Camden canal feeding the birds.
A sack floated past, with something moving inside.
Me and a passing jogger managed to fish out the sack and found 4 puppies :mad:.
Obviously some toe rag of a bastard had thrown them in so they would drown.
One pup had died and we rushed the other 3 to the vet.
The poor little things were only 7 weeks old. :mad:
Mole fell in love with the coal black one, so we kept her and the vet said he would find homes for the other two.
Mole called her Sooty after the glove puppet and home she went.
She was so small that when Mole's dad came home he thought it was a guinea pig :D.

Mole's birthday came round and the idea of a guinea pig had taken hold, so Aged parents bought him one
For reasons known only to ourselves, he ended up called Dolly schmoff :oops:.
We had Dolly for about a month when we started to worry that he might be lonely.
The vet suggested a rabbit for company :confused:.
Happening to be in 'pets are us' Mole spotted a small brown rabbit with large chunks of fur missing.
On asking the attendant what was wrong with the rabbit's fur, she told us the other rabbits picked on her and tore chunks of her fur out; and so we ended up with Rags.:rolleyes:
Dolly hated the rabbit :eek: and so Mischief came into our lives to keep Rags company.
We now had 2 cats, one dog, a guinea pig and two rabbits...........sigh!

Christmas and Mole's grandparents thought getting him water dragons was a good idea o_O and so Mr and Mrs joined the growing zoo.
On a trip out with his dad, Mole came home with 3 tiny goldfish, so now we had The Lads as well.
Arnold Schwarzenneger (the mussel) was down to me as someone had told me they helped keep the fish tank clean.
So now we had 2 cats, a dog, a guinea pig, 2 rabbits, 3 fish and 2 water dragons.

Not content with filling the house with assorted pets, we also had crickets taking over the house, they being something the water dragons like to eat.
Of course there were always escapees, so the sound of crickets filled the air every night.
On having a friend stay over one night, he spent the night on the sofa bed in the front room and said he thought he was in a field. :rolleyes:.

Of course no home is really a home until one's son brings home 4 stick insects from school.
They needed looking after for the school holidays.
We had them in a tank and the thing they loved to eat was bramble.
Mole took to bringing bunches of bramble every day and before we knew it we had stick insects everywhere.
They climbed the walls, got into the lights, mooched across the sofa, much to Aged's discombobulation and generally made themselves at home.
By the time school started again we gave back 92 stick insects :eek: apparently the more you feed them the more they breed...........WHO KNEW!


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
The Lads (the 3 small goldfish) got too big for their tank, so I bought a bigger one.
The Lads, got too big for that one and so I bought a bigger one.
This went on for sometime until we had an enormous tank that went the length of the whole wall and the Lads were the size of carp o_O

On returning from work one night, The Lads were all on their sides floating on the top of the water :eek:.
I ran to the bathroom, filled it with cold water, ran to the kitchen, got ice and added it to the bath, grabbed the Lads and threw them in the bath.
Two immediately rallied but one just lay there. :(
Grabbed him and proceeded to :oops: give mouth to mouth to a bloody fish!
Suddenly he leapt out of my hands, banged his side on the bath (which left a permanent scar) and then swam back and forth with his mates. :D
The culprit turned out to be Arnie, the mussel, who had unfortunately died and poisoned their tank water.
We scrubbed out the tank, disinfected and removed the corpse; but left the Lads in the bath for the night.

On going to work, and here's the irony, I worked as a cardiac tech in the cardiology department, I regaled work mates with the night's doings.
When it got to the resuscitation of the last fish, everyone ewwed, then laughed and I spent the next week being called 'Cod Lips' o_O
The things we'll do for our pets. :rolleyes:


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Dolly Schmoff, the guinea pig; got very attached to me and I to him.
So much so that when we went on holiday, Dolly came too.
He toured the lakes, visited the forests and twice went to Wales.

However, one year aged parents wanted to go to Eire (Southern Ireland).
We knew that some people are required to have their passports to get into Eire, so I began to worry about taking animals over the border. :rolleyes:
We knew dogs were okay, but what about guinea pigs :eek:.
Although my neighbour was looking after the rest of the menagerie whilst I would be away, Dolly would pine for yours truly.

Finally,I decided to ring the Irish tourist board to find out where they stood on rodents.
Got through to a very nice girl and so I put the question "How do you stand on guinea pigs crossing the border?"
The silence was deafening!! :eek:
She finally gathered her wits and chokingly said " I'll have to consult my supervisor."
I'm left hanging on the phone and then am suddenly regaled by the sound of the Irish Tourist Board in hysterics :oops:.
She came back, and between giggles, informed me Dolly would be most welcome to Eire and she hoped he had a good time. o_O


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Well it's started :eek: the great run up to Christmas.
As I have had Aged's pressie since October, I had one less thing to worry about.
Have the first half of Mole's so now it's down to getting him something to wear.

Christmas cakes are cooked and iced.
All the extras, pickles, crisps, sweets, cheese board etc, will be delivered Thursday and I'm so organised Mole thinks I've been cloned :p

Of course, at some point it will all go pear shaped and I will be back to being wild eyed and running around like a headless chicken!


Antiquities Friend
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Aged and I hit the shops with a vengeance today, exhausted doesn't even cover it. :mad:

Having hurtled from one store to the other, Aged went to get the dog some treats and I went to feed the beaks.
I had taken 3/4s of a loaf with me, as last week's 1/2 a loaf hadn't been enough. The poor birds are starving.
The ducks spotted me coming and a convey swiftly moved down the river heading in my direction.
The pigeons got wind of it and flocked to my bench.
With in seconds it was a scene from a Hitchcock movie. :rolleyes:

Pigeons cover me, ducks nibbled at my feet and then the big boys arrived in a flurry of white seagulls. Much to the amusement of people round me.

Aged finally arrived and didn't turn a grey hair at the sight of her only child smothered in birds; but calmly demanded tea.
Bread gone, birds replete, we wandered away for some human sustenance.


Seeing is Believing
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SF Supporter
Writing you a note: Merry Christmas and looking foward to the stories from this holiday weekend!

Cheers and sending butterbeer for you and the aged, maybe mole too if hes being GOOD™

Lu gets a soccer foam ball toy from me too!


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
So Mole is very much Beloved son at the moment, as he arrived home on Christmas Eve with a huge bottle of Baileys. :D
He also arrived with a quarter of a cow, a big improvement on last years half a cow, cooking time was only 3 and a half hours.

Friday I collected the Aged and Trilby the dog.
On arriving home we awaited the usual cat and dog fight, but the buggers decided to sniff each other and then ignore each other. Though Trilby stole every one of Lu's meals, so we have a much slimmer cat for the new year. :eek:

Trilby decided I was flavour of the month, so I spent every night with a dog on my lap, belly in the air and my hand going backwards and forwards over the exposed belly......lovely o_O
As per usual, she took up half the bed and Aged snored loud enough to wake the entirety of Chelmsford.

I cooked non stop.
Cleared up non stop.
Walked the bloody dog and got no sleep, so a good Christmas was had by all!

Poor old Mole had to work Christmas eve and Boxing day, so couldn't really ask him to help and Aged is 80 and I wanted her to be waited on; and she was.

Am now collapsing until the new year!


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Life is finally getting back to normal after the holidays.
Of course this meant Mole would bring back the lurg from work and I was immediately bedridden with a hacking cough, snot nose, headache and nausea. o_O
Lu is not happy with this state of affairs.
Having received a laser mouse for Christmas, he is indignant that I don't want to play.
The result of this indignation is a ribbed to shreds mattress, a chewed Christmas tree and a wailing that goes on and on and on.
Was wondering what curried cat tasted like. :rolleyes:


Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Staff member
Safety & Support
Curried cat, I hear, is a lot like curried turkey. Just don't go there. lol

Please do get better soon! My pre-holiday cough went to pneumonia - nasty. So please take care of yourself. Fluids and rest and all that jazz. *sending you hugs, tea with a boost in it, and love*


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Decided not to curry the cat as I'd miss his indignant look every time we grab him for a kiss and cuddle :p
We have, though, a rather fat hedgehog in the garden....... recipes anyone? :rolleyes:

Aged and Aunt are still not talking and my patience is wearing rather thin with the pair of them.
My cousin says she's staying out of it or she'll end up knocking their heads together.
For once, we are in total accord.o_O

Mole has had 8 days holiday and has been hilarious to live with.
I had got him steak for dinner, and was immediately grilled on what I might be having.
On my replying "a mushroom omelette" he decided I was losing the last of my marbles.
Later in the evening, in the middle of a heated debate, Mole turns round and says "I'm sorry but I'm just not arguing the toss with an omelette eater."
This caused me to fall into fits of laughter and Mole, grinning ear to ear, returned to playing

Meanwhile, the tree is still up because I can't be asked to take it down.:oops:


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Another Saturday spent with Aged, who informed me that the blue ray player I ordered for Mole (Aged's Christmas pressie to him) had finally arrived.
Now, given that I'd ordered it in the middle of December with next day delivery; had cancelled the order when it hadn't arrived within 7days, and ordered it from Argos who delivered the next day; I was, to say the least, NOT amused.
Aged, who has always been as straight as an arrow, inquired if Amazon had refunded the money and if so, were they aware the damn thing had finally arrived?
On my saying yes to the first part and that I'd heard nothing from Amazon on it finally arriving; she shocked me to the core with "Well if they don't know we've got it lets not inform them". :eek:
Aged has obviously decided to take up a life of crime at the sterling age of 81. o_O

Meanwhile, I'm on the bus going home, dreamily contemplating a cup of tea, when the lady opposite me, who had been chatting to her young son, said to him "I tell you what we'll have a takeaway tonight as long as promise not to shoot the girls". :eek:
I started to laugh and said to her "That sounded really funny, as long as he isn't actually planning mass murder".
Turned out he got a nerf gun for Christmas and had taken to shooting his sisters with it.


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
So Saturday I discover that I've been breaking the law for decades :eek:
Aged and I, after perusing the shops, had finally hit the café.
We ordered two pots of tea and Aged was trying to decide between a scone and bakewell tart, when she spotted the young lad behind the counter placing two cardboard mugs of tea on our tray.
"oh no we wanted pots" she cried.
Young lad informs us that the dishwasher has broken so they cannot serve proper cups or pots as none are clean.
I leaned in and said to him "You know there is this ancient thing called a sink. You place dishes, hot water and washing up liquid in it, and VOILA you have clean crockery". :p
Lad, laughing, tells me that such arcane methods are against the law. WHO KNEW! :eek:

On reaching home, I inform Mole that his mother is a life long recidivist and that we require a dishwasher immediately.
Mole replies "Why would I buy a dishwasher when I've had one my whole life". :mad:
Apparently, it's only against health and safety in public venues.
It was worth a try....SIGH!

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