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A day in the life....or diary of a lunatic!


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Today I got to thinking about mail.
Not your computer generated mail, but things in envelopes with a stamp.

When I was young, mail came on birthdays, usually a card with 'you are 6' on it, just in case you weren't aware of your age.

On reaching secondary school age, letters would be "see teacher/headmaster immediately, you have failed exam etc".

Then came Valentines cards, if I was lucky, and assorted postcards from friends and family away on holiday.

On leaving school, letters became 'accept/decline college or jobs'.

On reaching full adulthood, letters were replaced by 'BILLS'.:eek:

Now in the sunset of my years, I get, 'mammogram reminders', 'Please make a doctor's appointment' and a plethora of mail from funeral plans :confused:.
I feel like I have a pack of vultures watching over me, who send me regular updates on 'funeral plans', 'leaving your loved ones monies', and general reminders of 'time is running out have you bought a coffin!'

The other day I received a bill and was actually pleased because it wasn't a "Hello this is death have you got life insurance?" :p


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Aged is ill, so she hasn't left the house for over a fortnight.
On taking her some much needed supplies, Trilby the dog literally fell at my feet as she hadn't been for a walk in 5 days.
Aged supplied with cough medicine and a lemslip, I duly took Trilby for a much need walk; or rather I should say she took me. :eek:
I was towed to the rabbit field (some half a mile), where happily I could let her off the lead.
She immediately tore off down to the horse field (another half a mile) with me desperately trying to run after her.
Things on my body jiggled as never before, breath came in gasps and entire body let out a "WTF" message loud and long.
Finally caught up with her only to find we were in a mud bog.
Trilby had rolled till her entire body was coated in thick sludgy mud and my shoes and trouser bottoms were awash.
Crawled back to Aged's abode. shampooed the dog and then collapsed in a heap while Aged laughed her head off.
Cooked her a meal and wearily made my way home.
Get in the door and am greeted with "What's for dinner and this lot need washing". :mad:
Needless to say I need help getting rid of Mole's body. :p


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Aged on the mend and Mole off to Birmingham for 3 days on a managerial course, I am plotting a 3 day binge of lazing in bed, watching anything I fancy whilst stuffing face with Chinese food. ;)
Life is gooooood! :D


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Mole has just informed me that work is giving all employees free life insurance. ;)

The requisite forms are awaiting his attention and signature, which once he's supplied I will slyly inquire how long one has to wait to make a claim. :rolleyes:

I've already researched assorted poisons and their chance of being detected.
Tested a 'rug sliding' accident.
And considered 'yea olde pillow over the face' move.

Mole is living in fear of his life :p


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Aged, wanting to order some catalogue stuff, asked me how to write a cheque
She doesn't trust using her debit card over the phone, and Dad had dealt with all the finances, so cheque writing is something she's never done.:eek:

I duly show her how to do it, using the example, she writes out her cheque, adds her address on the back and posts it.

Some days later, the catalogue people send back her cheque with a note saying, "we are sorry, but we were unable to send any goods as you omitted to add the order form. :rolleyes:

Aged adds form, cheque, and a note saying "sorry, I was having a senior moment. :D


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Well it's been a while. :oops:

Life hadn't ground to a halt, I just had.
A general malaise and several health scares had me uninterested in anything, a state of mind that had Mole climbing the walls.

Happily, an unknown dead relative left me a small inheritance and life became a little less bleak. :)

I went mad! My debit card was in serious danger of bursting into flames. :eek:

I am now the proud owner of a laptop that doesn't take 24 hours to boot up.
I now have a bedroom suite that is actually in one piece.
No more wonky wardrobe with the roof caving in and the doors at right angles.
No more chest of draws that cannot be opened cos the wood has warped.

Mole, having inherited everyone of my grandfather's Jewish genes, began to sound like the Spanish Inquisition on "just how much have you spent". :p

Oddly his new leather computer chair, that I bought for him, raised no questions whatsoever!

Mole is still Mole.
On entering the bathroom the other night, I got "WTF is a sock doing in the toilet"?
As I had no idea how a sock had ended up in the toilet bowl, I said as much.
Then followed the following diatribe: "What's it coming to when a person can't have a pee without assorted underwear being in the U bend. " followed up by "This sock has now been pissed on, deal with it."

I told him if he wanted it sorted he could do it his bloody self, while quietly having a bout of hysterical laughter.
He chucked it in the bath. :mad:

Two days later, Mole is demanding clean socks. "Where are the socks, I've only got one".
I immediately reply "Well there's one in the bath if your desperate".
Mole gives me the finger and a facial expression that could freeze fire, whilst trying not to laugh.
The Tale of the Tick (or why wasnt I struck blind at birth?)

Ah son is well and truly home and driving me mad :dry:

Running up and down between Braintree and Chelmsford, I have began to feel like a limp rag.
Thursday was pick up keys day, so duly up at crack of dawn and trying to get ready.
Phone rings, housing department wanting eta on picking up of keys....drip water from interrupted shower all over floor...inform housing will get there when I arrive :dry:
Pop back into shower.....phone rings.....dad wanting eta on arrival...gets told same thing as housing :dry:
Emerge from 3rd attempt at showering to be confronted by beloved son :mad:
Son is clutching a plastic bag, as if life depends on it, shouting look this was in my knee!
I look.
I see nothing.
Son dancing on spot demands I see inmate of plastic food bag!
Glasses on and large magnifying glass I spot a little black dot ....assume its a poppy seed.
FOOL!!! screams son tis Lime disease carrying deer tick! and they are all over me.

At this point all sensitive souls are WARNED to proceed no further in reading!!

Son demands I check every inch of his body for said ticks :eek:hmy:

Now don't get me wrong, it's not as if I haven't seen naked son before! there were various nappy changes, toddler baths etc. that have occured during his life. However, these were many moons ago and long before voice broke or there was any sign of so much as a hair follicle on his body!

So! there he is stood in front room, naked as day he was born with me clutching magnifying glass and attempting to find any ticks amid the mass of gorilla hair he seems to have sprouted since he hit puberty!
"Don't forget to check bum crack!" demands son!
Would that I had poked out eyes whilst son was in the Peak district......surely this is above and beyond parental duty!!!
Thank God he drew the line at having his mother eyeing his private parts thru a magnifying glass and did that bit himself!!!!

Happily no more offending ticks were found and we set off for A&E with the only poppy seed...sorry tick that he'd managed to find.
A&E doc put him on a course of antibiotics just to be safe and was heard laughing his arse off on the other side of the curtain when told of the tick hunt I'd endured earlier!
Am now having recurring nightmares of hairy bum cracks and wishing I'd never had children!!!:lol!:
I've just read this ... you have MADE my day ... but seriously I hope your son is ok. Huge thanks for the much needed smiles xx


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Well I'm back again to report that the lunacy that is my house is alive and well.

What was I thinking buying a wardrobe with a full length mirror :eek:
Up until it's arrival I was aware I was becoming a little Rubenesque :rolleyes:
What I hadn't realised, until the mirror (bastard that it is, may it rot) informs my offended eye that I look like bloody Buddha!

Mole's toe nail mysteriously fell off (the whole nail) and Mole being Mole had decided it was Leprosy/Flesh eating bug/Cancer, or all of the above.
On my asking if he'd dropped anything on his foot of late, he had the grace to blush and admit a large crate had landed on it whilst at work.

Having put paid to the idea of a deadly disease striking my only son, he happily went back to murdering nazis'.

We, sadly, lost our last dog Trilby, at the sprightly age of 17.
Although she was officially my dog, Aged stole her for company and never gave her back.
Aged misses her something fierce, but I pointed out that at aged 85 another dog was not a good idea.
So Aged has decided I'm the replacement :confused:
She drags me out and forces shopping on me at a regular rate.
2 months were wasted...I mean spent :p on the merits of several vacuum cleaners.
If I look at one more G Tech, Dyson or Shark I will scream.

In a fit of, "I can stand so much, I can stand no more" I bought her a Shark and told her to get on with it!
So Saturday she dragged me here there and everywhere for a bloody vase.
I just can't wait (heavy sarcasm) for what she has in store for me tomorrow....SIGH!


Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Staff member
Safety & Support
*open arms hug for Terry* Ad @WildCherry said, @Terry...it's great to see you!

Glad that Mole has "dropsy" (the literal kind, not the 1800s kind) and nothing worse wrong with his toe. Very sorry to hear that Trilby has gone to doggy heaven...and that the repercussions of that are landing on your shoulders. You didn't ask for ideas, but I wonder...could Aged adopt an older dog from a shelter - thus helping her, an at-risk dog, and (especially) YOU?

As always, your sense of humor flips everything that happens on its ear. I hope you are truly doing all right! Perhaps you will go shopping for an esoteric, suburban-garden toad house. Apparently these are popular but hard to find. (HINT: Amazon has lots.)


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Well we survived the hideous heatwave that was summer, only for the Mole to be struck with dysentery of all things.
Two weeks of non stop diarrhoea, and the one bathroom had become a serious issue.
Loathe to pee in a bucket I took to standing, hopefully, outside the door cross legged and hunched.
Needless to say there were some rather wet accidents :oops:
Mole finally clear of hideous backside problem, but not before he had suffered the indignity of taking stool samples to the hospital for several weeks.

We'd just got over that delightful time when I was struck down with infected sinuses.
We swopped shit storm for hideous flem attack. I dripped, sneezed and was generally gross for Britain.
Aged, meanwhile, a picture of health, avoided us like the plague.

This week, so far, no one has had any nasty dripping from either end; we live in hope that we're back to some semblance of normalcy.
Well as normal as we are ever likely to get. :rolleyes:


Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Staff member
Safety & Support
Aww, Terry...you and Mole have always struck me as “going concerns”.
*hides behind desk*

I hope it’s all good now, going forward. :)

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