A day in the life....or diary of a lunatic!

Status
Not open for further replies.

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Thank God it's January!

First of December
, this is me; "Oh got ages to ice the cakes, put up the tree, arrange food orders and presents and generally tidy the house.

December 23rd
: AAARGH! Where the feck is the icing kit? Why aren't the lights working on the tree and where the hell do I get new ones at this late date? Mad dash round shops for Mole presents (thank God I'd ordered Aged's in September) . Into supermarket that had suddenly taken on aspects of Bedlam. Home with 92 bags of God knows what. Back out again, forgot vital supplies and cat pressie.
Mad scramble into cab to pick up the Ancient one.
Aged immediately notices that only half of the front room carpet has been vacuumed.......and so it begin! :mad:

Christmas Eve: Up at the ungodly hour of 6am with duster in one hand and vacuum in the other. An immediate chorus of "WTF is that noise" emanates from Aged and Mole.
10am, various demands for breakfast.
Midday, various demands for lunch.
6pm, where's dinner. *help

Several demands for tea, mince pies and nibbles later, I realise the reason the cat has become attached to my leg is that he hasn't seen a morsel of food all day. :eek:

Finally, it's 10 pm and we set out for Midnight Mass. 2 miles later, Aged is demanding a cab.
Happily, we had actually arrived at the church.
Lovely service and much croaking of carols from yours truly, we happily wended our way home to a stiff drink and Christmas cake.

Needless to say for the next few days I was chief cook and bottle washer; but everyone had a lovely time so it was all worth it.


S
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
I have been in a right mood *grr
The slightest thing and I come out swinging.

Aged, on Saturday, stupidly did her usual thing of bringing up something that one did 20 years ago and had her head bitten off in no uncertain terms. She became very quiet *hiding and then decided pretending nothing had happened was the best move.

Got home and Mole, in a foul mood, foolishly thought that the whipping boy, otherwise known as mum, could take the brunt of it.
I let him have it with both guns blazing :mad:.
Having verbally flayed him to the bone, he waited half an hour and then suggested a take-away to save me cooking.
I should be a mardy mare more often.
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
The Mardy Mare has left the building and I'm back to my normal easy going self; much to the relief of Aged and the Mole.

Much of this is due to Peter Kay doing this
I went into a fit of hysterics, not just because he's so bloody funny; but a memory of me singing "Cherry Pie" to Lady Gagas' Poker Face for weeks suddenly appeared in my memory *dance1

Mole is much happier with silly mum than homicidal mum and the cat was heard to make a huge sigh of relief that he's not receiving a four letter expletive if crossing my path.
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Now solidly into 2019, Aged and Aunt are still not on speaking terms.
Aunt had fully gone a length by blocking me on facebook, which made me laugh but incensed the Ancient one.
Mole's feelings on the subject are not fit to be posted.
So imagine my surprise when I am suddenly unblocked and receive a message saying "Val is waving at you". For once in my life I wished for a two finger salute emoticon. :mad:
When I get pissed off by the stupidity, you know you've gone too far.

Meanwhile, I've stopped doing anything, including sleep.
The reason for this sloth is Mole got Netflix.
I've Oded on every series known to man and several of the worst films I've ever seen.
If this keeps up I'll be a gibbering idiot before you can say Star Trek! *help

Mole had a major meltdown this week, the cause being his phone wouldn't charge.
Dear God you'd think the world had come to an apocalyptic end!
He immediately ordered a new charger and paid through the nose for a Sunday delivery.
When the charger made no difference, he completely went to pieces and could be heard making strange wailing noises.
Only the loss of his computer could have been worse.

First thing Monday morning he was onto Virgin and getting a new phone
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Now solidly into 2019, Aged and Aunt are still not on speaking terms.
Aunt had fully gone a length by blocking me on facebook, which made me laugh but incensed the Ancient one.
Mole's feelings on the subject are not fit to be posted.
So imagine my surprise when I am suddenly unblocked and receive a message saying "Val is waving at you". For once in my life I wished for a two finger salute emoticon. :mad:
When I get pissed off by the stupidity, you know you've gone too far.

Meanwhile, I've stopped doing anything, including sleep.
The reason for this sloth is Mole got Netflix.
I've Oded on every series known to man and several of the worst films I've ever seen.
If this keeps up I'll be a gibbering idiot before you can say Star Trek! *help

Mole had a major meltdown this week, the cause being his phone wouldn't charge.
Dear God you'd think the world had come to an apocalyptic end!
He immediately ordered a new charger and paid through the nose for a Sunday delivery.
When the charger made no difference, he completely went to pieces and could be heard making strange wailing noises.
Only the loss of his computer could have been worse.

First thing Monday morning he was onto Virgin and getting a new phone;
arrival Wednesday.
I was then treated to the sight of a grown man sobbing into his chest and not even the promise of chocolate cake could lighten his mood.
Happily the phone arrived first thing Wednesday morning and Mole, beaming from ear to ear, regaled me with it's style, format and general loveliness!
Given it's cost him nearly a grand I expected it to be solid platinum!
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Ah Life, where does one start.
Mole damaged his back at work, doc ignored him for 6 months which caused permanent damage to his sciatic nerve and two herniated discs. On a good note, the hospital recently tried a hit and miss injection into his sciatic nerve and so far he's one of the lucky ones in that the constant screaming pain has lessened to a dull roar.
He lost his sense of humour for a good while, but with proper pain relief Pregablin, Coproximal and the magic injection, his sense of humour has returned and so has mine. :)

We'd all just got back on an even keel when the shit storm, otherwise known as CO VID 19 hit us.
Aged has locked herself in her house. As she's now into her eighties she's high risk.
As Mole works with the public every day it's not safe for her at mine, but we're reaching the point of 'fuck it we'll take the risk' and having her move over to mine. The isolation is sending her more round the bend than she was already. :D

I'm high risk in that I have COPD but what the hell, if my time is up, it's up. So I braved the supermarket.
WTF it was like a Zombie apocalypse! I began to expect a rabid human to pop out from behind the bare shelves.
Mole informed me that all the rabid customers were over at his place of work, as were more empty shelves.

A discussion, in the supermarket, on the complete absence of toilet paper had us all laughing at the thought of the bog roll hoarders suddenly realising you can't live on toilet rolls.

One of the shoppers, who had actually managed to have an order delivered *woohoo told us she had added toilet roll to her order, allowing for a substitute and the bastards sent her the Sun newspaper *rofl
I actually had a young girl ask me if it was true that people used to wipe their backsides with newspaper and she looked aghast when I said "well yeah". You haven't lived till you've experience the joy of wiping your arse on a picture of the prime minister.*halo
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Mole has suddenly gone paranoid about the cat.
I found beloved son counting sachets of cat food and checking the litter amount.
Given I do all the feeding and cleaning of the cat, this sudden interest had me wondering WTF!
Comes home today with 4 bags of cat litter and enough cat food to see the mog through to the end of April.
Apparently the hoarders have started to ravage pet supplies, so it begs the question, are they going to eat it or do they have pets? *huh*bleh And if no pets, WTF are they going to do with the cat litter!*oh
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Boredom of being locked in the house was alleviated on Monday.
I woke up with what I thought was a snotty nose, blew it and sent blood cascading everywhere. *oh
Having turned my bed, bedroom and myself into a visit to an abattoir, I fled to the bathroom pouring blood as I went.
Bathroom now decorated in a lovely shade of red, I lurked over the sink and watched my life's blood go down the plug hole. 15 minutes of "Oh fuck I'm screwed" ended as abruptly as it had began as my nostrils finally stopped bleeding out and I made my self a cup of tea and wondered what the hell was that!

On Mole's return from work, he waltzed into my room and immediately freaked out. My PJ's were covered in dry blood and the grey towel I'd clutched to my face, now a red towel, lay abandoned on the bottom of the bed.

Me being a calm being had gone back to my usual laid back self. Mole wasn't having a bit of it.
"Phone 111 immediately" He shrieked. (111 for non brits is an emergency medical help line). Spoke to the person at 111 who said "you need to see the doc".
Rang doctors, and of course they aren't doing appointments but said they'd relay the problem and the doc would ring me back. She did just that 10 minutes later and as I suspected I have a sinus infection requiring steroids and antibiotics.

Mole suitably placated we went back to being bored to death, until I sneezed and here we go again. Nose poured for about ten minutes, Mole screaming "My God that's about a pint you've lost!" which sent me into hysterical laughter that started the bloody thing of again (no pun intended).

I now get every day, on Mole returning home, "Have you had a nose bleed" which thankfully I haven't, though I did snort a large clot out of my nose which was GROSS!
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Bored silly from the enforced STAY HOME, I was perusing FB and came across this:

Very Real Things Every British Person Has Done

1. Half-running, half-walking across a zebra crossing and waving apologetically at any vehicles, even though it’s your right to cross the road there.
2. Hating the "scone" pronunciation debate but always taking part anyway, because deep down you feel passionately about your preference.
3. Getting to the meal deal section at 12:30PM and feeling devastated because all the good options have sold out.
4. Buying a packet of crisps you really don’t want, because it’s part of the meal deal.
5. And then realising at the till that one of your items wasn’t in the meal deal but being too polite to take it back, so it ends up costing like £6.97 instead of the sacred £3.6. Pretending to understand what someone said after asking them to repeat it for the third time and hoping your fake reaction is appropriate.
7. Missing the punchline to a joke and laughing anyway.
8. And then panicking when someone asks you to explain it to them.
9. Having to break a Terry’s Chocolate Orange in front of a group of people and not knowing how aggressive to be with it.
10. Trying to decode the personality and hygiene of every person on the bus in 12 seconds before deciding where to sit.
11. Praying no one sits next to you but also being offended when they don’t.
12. And barely hearing your music through your headphones because you have the volume turned down low in deep fear of it disturbing the person next to you.
13. Feeling guilty for not standing up when someone with a pram gets on the bus, even though you’re sat at the back.
14. Feeling guilty for not giving up your seat for a pregnant or disabled person, even though you’re already standing.
15. Waving at someone who was waving at a person behind you, and then pretending you were waving at someone else the whole time.
16. Tripping over and playing it out like it's part of your cool new way of walking.
17. Having to come up with different ways to say “thank you” when someone does more than one nice thing for you in a row.
18. Getting spat on by someone who’s talking but being too polite to wipe it off because you don't want to embarrass them, so just letting it sit there.
19. And walking in the wrong direction and pretending you just got an important message on your phone before dramatically turning back around.
20. Having to speed walk because someone is holding a door open for you.
21. Holding a door open for someone before realising they’re a little too far away and they probably now hate you for making them speed walk.
22. Going through a door you didn’t intend on going through because someone held the door open for you.
23. Buying a kettle for your new home before buying any furniture.
24. Being irrationally angry when someone uses your favourite mug.
25. Walking in the opposite direction to where you need to go just so you don’t have to walk with someone you don’t want to talk to.
26. Trying to get the attention of an employee at the self checkout machines by just swaying your body around and imitating a lost puppy, instead of actually calling them.
27. Someone making you a bad cup of tea and being too polite to not drink the whole thing.
28. Not going to pee because someone else just went to pee and you don’t want it to seem like you’re following them.
29. And not going to pee when they’re back because it might come across as rude if they think you waited for them to come back.
30. Waiting in fear for someone to come and yell at you for sitting in their reserved seat on a train, even though you know it’s your own reserved seat.
31. Starting to say something at the same time as someone else and you both keep insisting the other goes first 'til neither of you say anything.
32. Not wanting your 1p change or your receipt but feeling obliged to wait for it.
33. And waiting for permission to leave a shop even after giving the cashier exact change.
34. Apologising when someone bumps into you and then apologising again when they apologise back until you both just drown in apologies.
35. Saying “just looking thanks” to a retail worker instinctively when you actually did need help.
36. Filling an awkward silence by talking about the weather and berating yourself for sinking that low, but you secretly did kinda want to discuss the weather.
37. Layering up because it was cold the day before and being scorching hot for the rest of the day.
38. And dressing down because it was warm the previous day and being freezing for the rest of the day.
39. Reading and rereading an email to make sure it’s friendly but not too friendly, and formal but not too formal.
40. Accidentally pressing the stop button on the bus early and hanging your head in shame for wasting the driver's time.
41. Missing your stop because the person next to you fell asleep and you felt weird about waking them.
42. Trying to squeeze past the person next to you when they don’t get up but they instead just twist and move their body, as if their legs aren’t still in the way.
43. Panicking and getting things you don’t like put in your salad or sandwich.
44. Having your order messed up in a restaurant but eating it anyway because you feel too polite to say anything.
45. And apologising profusely if you do decide to tell someone.
46. Knowing that at any mention of your eyesight someone will tell you where you should've gone. Even if you did go there.
47. Saying “thank you” when you’ve done something for someone else.
48. Going in a shop wearing something from that shop and being paranoid that they think you’ve stolen it.
49. And not being able to eat from a box of Celebrations without launching into a debate about whether Mars or Milky Way is worse.

And guess what, I've done every one of them *wacko:D
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Have now been trapped in the house for over a month.
Daily routine is a thing of the past and I appear to have turned into a vampire.
Usual wake up time is "Ah sun has gone I can climb out my coffin (bed).
I then peruse stuff that needs doing and ignore it, preferring to spend a useless hour scanning Netflix for anything I haven't seen.
At some point I cook, or Mole would be having a major snit attack.
Cooking is followed up by me finding various ways to avoid the washing up. *halo
When pile in sink reaches critical mass I cave in and wash it, mumbling about the unfairness of it all.
Back to perusing Netflix, only to discover I've seen everything.
Stupidly, Mole bought me a fire stick, so now I can watch the Disney channel, anything I might have missed on the bbc, ITV, channel 4 and channel 5.
Sink is bowing under the pressure of every dish, plate, cutlery and assorted pans presently residing there.
Sun coming up vampire Terry returns to bed.
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
The Aged parent is definitely losing the plot over at hers.
So much so that I've threatened to drag her out by the hair and move her to mine.
Mole is picking her up on Saturday, as agoraphobia is looming large and I'm worried we'll never get her out of the house again.
The sheer enormity of what I am about to take on has suddenly occurred to me and I spent a sleepless night wondering if I've lost what little common sense and sanity I had.
Anyone who has not read older posts with descriptions of Aged's visits, cannot know the sheer aggraviation of:
Snoring that resembles a pneumatic drill.
Getting an idea fixed in her head, no matter how bloody stupid it might be.
Endless demands for tea and home made cakes, regardless of the fact that there's a chronic shortage of flour!
Inflicting such delights as "Call the Midwife", "Casualty" and every other medical soap.
A running commentary through the news.
And a scornful "why would you want to watch this crap" Should I want to watch "Supernatural", The Blacklist", " NCIS" or anything related to Marvel.
If the virus don't kill her, I might!*help
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
Bored silly from the enforced STAY HOME, I was perusing FB and came across this:

Very Real Things Every British Person Has Done

1. Half-running, half-walking across a zebra crossing and waving apologetically at any vehicles, even though it’s your right to cross the road there.
2. Hating the "scone" pronunciation debate but always taking part anyway, because deep down you feel passionately about your preference.
3. Getting to the meal deal section at 12:30PM and feeling devastated because all the good options have sold out.
4. Buying a packet of crisps you really don’t want, because it’s part of the meal deal.
5. And then realising at the till that one of your items wasn’t in the meal deal but being too polite to take it back, so it ends up costing like £6.97 instead of the sacred £3.6. Pretending to understand what someone said after asking them to repeat it for the third time and hoping your fake reaction is appropriate.
7. Missing the punchline to a joke and laughing anyway.
8. And then panicking when someone asks you to explain it to them.
9. Having to break a Terry’s Chocolate Orange in front of a group of people and not knowing how aggressive to be with it.
10. Trying to decode the personality and hygiene of every person on the bus in 12 seconds before deciding where to sit.
11. Praying no one sits next to you but also being offended when they don’t.
12. And barely hearing your music through your headphones because you have the volume turned down low in deep fear of it disturbing the person next to you.
13. Feeling guilty for not standing up when someone with a pram gets on the bus, even though you’re sat at the back.
14. Feeling guilty for not giving up your seat for a pregnant or disabled person, even though you’re already standing.
15. Waving at someone who was waving at a person behind you, and then pretending you were waving at someone else the whole time.
16. Tripping over and playing it out like it's part of your cool new way of walking.
17. Having to come up with different ways to say “thank you” when someone does more than one nice thing for you in a row.
18. Getting spat on by someone who’s talking but being too polite to wipe it off because you don't want to embarrass them, so just letting it sit there.
19. And walking in the wrong direction and pretending you just got an important message on your phone before dramatically turning back around.
20. Having to speed walk because someone is holding a door open for you.
21. Holding a door open for someone before realising they’re a little too far away and they probably now hate you for making them speed walk.
22. Going through a door you didn’t intend on going through because someone held the door open for you.
23. Buying a kettle for your new home before buying any furniture.
24. Being irrationally angry when someone uses your favourite mug.
25. Walking in the opposite direction to where you need to go just so you don’t have to walk with someone you don’t want to talk to.
26. Trying to get the attention of an employee at the self checkout machines by just swaying your body around and imitating a lost puppy, instead of actually calling them.
27. Someone making you a bad cup of tea and being too polite to not drink the whole thing.
28. Not going to pee because someone else just went to pee and you don’t want it to seem like you’re following them.
29. And not going to pee when they’re back because it might come across as rude if they think you waited for them to come back.
30. Waiting in fear for someone to come and yell at you for sitting in their reserved seat on a train, even though you know it’s your own reserved seat.
31. Starting to say something at the same time as someone else and you both keep insisting the other goes first 'til neither of you say anything.
32. Not wanting your 1p change or your receipt but feeling obliged to wait for it.
33. And waiting for permission to leave a shop even after giving the cashier exact change.
34. Apologising when someone bumps into you and then apologising again when they apologise back until you both just drown in apologies.
35. Saying “just looking thanks” to a retail worker instinctively when you actually did need help.
36. Filling an awkward silence by talking about the weather and berating yourself for sinking that low, but you secretly did kinda want to discuss the weather.
37. Layering up because it was cold the day before and being scorching hot for the rest of the day.
38. And dressing down because it was warm the previous day and being freezing for the rest of the day.
39. Reading and rereading an email to make sure it’s friendly but not too friendly, and formal but not too formal.
40. Accidentally pressing the stop button on the bus early and hanging your head in shame for wasting the driver's time.
41. Missing your stop because the person next to you fell asleep and you felt weird about waking them.
42. Trying to squeeze past the person next to you when they don’t get up but they instead just twist and move their body, as if their legs aren’t still in the way.
43. Panicking and getting things you don’t like put in your salad or sandwich.
44. Having your order messed up in a restaurant but eating it anyway because you feel too polite to say anything.
45. And apologising profusely if you do decide to tell someone.
46. Knowing that at any mention of your eyesight someone will tell you where you should've gone. Even if you did go there.
47. Saying “thank you” when you’ve done something for someone else.
48. Going in a shop wearing something from that shop and being paranoid that they think you’ve stolen it.
49. And not being able to eat from a box of Celebrations without launching into a debate about whether Mars or Milky Way is worse.

And guess what, I've done every one of them *wacko:D
This is HILARIOUS.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$70.00
Goal
$255.00
Top