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A decision

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I'm new, I'm 21 and have been suffering with depression/GAD/EDNOS for three years now. I have been on 40mg Celexa for over a year and have currently cut down to 20mg before switching to another SSRI. I just sent this email to a friend. I think it sums up how I'm feeling right now

You know I know it's cos I'm not on a big enough dose of drugs right now. But when you're on them, it's still shit, you just don't care. You can feel the chemical haze of it. You don't get happy but you don't get so sad either. It's just like flat-lining. And I'm actually glad of this chance to have a bit more of my brain back to myself again. And I'm angry as fuck. Cos anti-depressants just make you not care that you hurt, and that's no life either. So when I'm all dosed up again, I'm going to remember this. I don't want to spend my life feeling sick and ill and run down, feeling empty and sad and alone but just not caring so much and carrying on because of so called happy pills. I want to remember that there's still a person in here underneath the drugs and it still matters. So everyone's all like, you have to stay on the pills and just take them everyday and everything will be fine. Well it's not. I may be easier to deal with and I may seem all better and happier. But I'm not. There's a difference between being better able to cope and being better. It's just being better able to cope with not having a life, not getting your life back.

Why should I stay in that blind drugged haze forever, surely it's better to just go without and have my feelings to myself no matter how bad they are and if they kill me, then so be it. It was meant to be.

And it's not the same as diabetics having to take insulin everyday forever, like people keep comparing it to. It's nothing the same for gods sake. Last time I checked insulin isn't a psychoactive drug. Your brain and your mind and your thoughts are still your own. Being on a psych drug is like selling your soul. Or what's left of your soul anyway.


New Member
Hi Somombo, I can understand where you're coming from with the anti-depressants. I had quite a few bad experiences with them 5 years ago and vowed never to go back on them. I've stood my ground for ages refusing to go back on them, but I'm getting to the stage where I may have to relent. :sad:
I resisted taking them for a long time as well, but now have very little choice. I am hoping that someday in the near future I will be able to handle what life throws at me without meds, but for now I must give in. No it is not exactly the same as insulin to a diabetic, but the purpose of the meds is to replace something that is not working right. The chemical imbalance in our brains sometimes nee the readjustment. After awhile they may not be needed. The process can be long or shot depending on how hard you are willing to work. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
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