A Different Epitome of Masochism

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ghetofabgurl89, Aug 8, 2008.

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  1. Four Years.

    Just in reading over those two words, without giving their deeper meaning much thought, it is so easy to underestimate them. Too easy. I guess...ultimately, I underestimated them. Time has an influence so powerful that we can only begin to understand it unconsciously. Time can crush us down, bring us pain, and play us for fools as we cling to it helplessly. The very thing that shall take our very lives away, we live by it, respect it, and even love it.

    It's what I'm doing now.

    For four years I was a fool. I take that back. I'm still a fool. Who knew that someone so innocent on the surface...someone I came to form an unbreakable bond with, could turn out to be such a thorned rose?

    One year of friendship, half a year of relationship, and a future of servitude. I call him Master for crying out loud! And he's hurting me...we've even come to a consensus on the issue.

    I always feel so lonely...so insignificant. I think it's because of my father. The man belittles every form of accomplishment I make for his acceptance. He'll never accept me...I see that now, and therein that fact, I shall always have this hole in my heart.

    That's where Master comes in...and I type that grudgingly. Four years ago, he introduced me to a hope I still can barely comprehend. Love, acceptance, being needed. Actually being worth something to someone for once.

    Fast friends, and even faster sweethearts, I poured my soul out for him, and he drank it all as though he was eternally thirsty.

    There was a catch.

    In return for his attentions, I was to serve him. Be his pet. My first year of servitude, it was all a game to me. I never saw him physically, my father saw personally to that, but we talked endlessly on the phone and occasionally stole a few moments during school events. Innocent enough.

    Then he began to lace his words with innuendo. I was too naive. In the last year, he's tried three times to steal my innocence, and failed each time.

    He frightens me so much now. It's pathetic. I have the ability to end it at any time. Face the expanse of loneliness and nothing...

    But I can never handle it. Believe me, I've tried. Dozens of times. My Master cheats on me. He threatens to hurt himself if I don't comply. If I hurt him in my attempts to venture away, punishment is swift and unmerciful.

    I hate it.

    And yet...those four years...I'm attached. Unwillingly now, but attached none the less. Love can do that to you.

    Recently...a few days ago...I had a serious conversation about the way we are. His control over me is baffling. I tried to explain it to him...that he's not the best for me...that maybe, just maybe, there was a better existence out there than he had to offer. That I would never give this "better existence" a chance. Not if this...influence he has over me has anything to say about it.

    His response to my evaluation? More orders.

    I'm so trapped.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    if he threatens to hurt himself if you leave, that is a form of abuse, make no mistake. if you can't see a way to leave find someone to talk to, like a counselor or therapist. it may take a while to disentangle yourself, as your relationship clearly meets some needs, healthy or unhealthy. suicide is not your only escape plan. please take care.
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