A different kind of self harm

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lauram, Jan 5, 2009.

  1. lauram

    lauram Member

    This probably isn’t what most think of when they use the term ‘self-harm’ but my therapist and I agree it is a form of it although he thinks I’m too harsh in my judgment. I have a dissociative disorder, I refuse to say, “DID,” but I do things and don’t fully recall or sometimes don’t recall doing them at all so it is dissociative without a doubt. I have to accept that. Okay, so lately I’ve been drinking wine. Not a big deal except I also take medication that makes drinking any alcohol dangerous, like life threatening if it’s more than say eight ounces. I suffer from migraines, which is why I take the medication and drinking makes them worse, ergo I don’t drink! But there’s a bottle of red wine, smart move! here in the bedroom that someone’s drinking. I doubt the cats or dog are imbibing, and my roommate doesn’t drink or come into my bedroom so that leaves only me, unless you believe in aliens or ghosts. So, that means it’s ME and it’s SELF HARM to the extent that not only does it trigger a migraine but also has the potential for more serious consequences. There are other behaviors as well, some superficial scratches that don’t seem to be from the cat, only one would scratch and most likely on my hand and not in areas like my upper arm or thigh which are usually covered when in public. There’s the book thing, my textbooks disappear a day before an exam and the reappear a week or so later. And my personal favorite, the money thing, money is shifted from one account to another so checks bounce and recently over $100 was literally thrown away but a colleague found and returned it. Or, how about paying the car twice in one month leaving me so short I had to scramble to get food and gas for the car? All versions of self harm, inventive to be sure but self harm without doubt. I told the therapist I have an evil, vengeful, borderline twin who’s making my life miserable and I want to end it. Sorry, for the rant. I’m so frustrated I want to beat myself stupid. I know most who cut find relief in it, I don’t really understand it and guess maybe this isn’t the best place for this post. Crap.
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I dissociate too :hug:
  3. lauram

    lauram Member

    i'm sorry to hear that, would you mind talking about it a bit? specifically if you engage in self-harm while unaware?