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A different type of suicide, understanding why

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Howdy..What I perceive has happened to me probably has little basis in accepted clinical pathology, but it is my experience.

What pushes you to feel the need to kill yourself? Is suicide only the result of depressive symptoms?

I'm a 23 year old male with no psychiatric history. In November I experienced a case of acute laryngitis, probably viral. During the laryngitis I began having nonspecific cognitive difficulties, not unlike the viral delerium that accompanies most common colds I guess. I felt like I was thinking through a fog of smoke and haze. My brain felt weird, altered, and I guess the reason I'm here is it has ever since. I had dyslexic like symptoms, word finding difficulties, and memory loss. But more importantly, I had moments of intense restlessness inside my head, I can't exactly paint the picture, but it felt as if an electrical storm was taking place inside my brain. This comes in waves. With this came a surge of emotional unpleasantness, it was uncomfortable to the point that I had urges to kill myself, thoughts of driving a nail into my brain, anything I could imagine to counteract the sensations and emotions I was experiencing. I would lay down at night, and suddenly roll over and grab my forehead and tell myself that if I could just make it until morning I would be alright. I had no clue why I felt this explosive desperation. Since then, I find I'm not constantly in this state. It hits me at some point every day, and I hit this wall hard. I just suddenly feel incredibly confused and spacey and downright irritated. I am disconnected and rageful and feel an unyielding, incredible urge to kill myself. I almost feel out of control, and I also feel very fatigued when this happens. It's very disturbing to me.

I sought out treatment with an MD, a brain MRI revealed nothing unusual. Lacking a physical explanation, I did what I thought was most logical and consulted a psychiatrist. I tried my hardest to accept the idea that maybe I was depressed and just didn't exhibit symptoms of it. I wasn't sad or anxious and I don't cry. So I tried antidepressants with no relief. These neurotic feelings are not a constant, they surface unprovoked, and fade away as mysteriously as they came. Interestingly, I was told I also likely have ADD, and took amphetamine salts, which temporarily help alleviate some of the symptoms. It only works for a few hours, but usually leaves me lower than I had been before. Not entirely unexpected, I figure.

I'm not searching for a physician or a psychologist on this forum. I'm trying to network and find another human being to connect with who is dealing with a similar problem or has some text or a link to more information.
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How sad it is to suddenly be faced with something like that...and isn't difficult sometimes to know what is 'causing' the pain? I am glad you have taken good care of yourself, seeking professional intervention and posting here...welcome and I am sure you will find that others have similar experiences, maybe not derived from the same condition, but challanges, nonethe less that have them feeling OK sometimes and in despair at other times...welcome again; big hugs
You know what I think I had a case close to what you are describing here. It seems to happen to me when Im not exactly sleeping but when I am in a somewhat meditative state and I get to thinking about maybe bad things, things that are worrying me or anything of that nature. Last time it happened I was just in a bad mood and just thinking of things trying to sort out priorities and then as I tried to go to sleep I started having what I call flashing thoughts where it seems like I cant control whats going through my head and it sort of makes me tear not because Im crying but I couldnt tell you why. And also the last night that happened I had a dream that I couldnt even control...like things happened exactly not the way I wanted to. As you all could probably assume, I woke up pissed. I told a friend about it and this is what he said...im just gonna copy and paste the yahoo convo...in the convo i dont know what my friend matt was getting at..but maybe someone could interpret it better. hope you get something out of this.

Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:50:51 PM): i had this weird dream
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:51:00 PM): like...i was dreaming
MaTT (2/22/2007 1:51:11 PM): you were dreaming in the dream
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:51:20 PM): yeah something like that
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:51:32 PM): but i had no control over what i was dreaming
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:51:41 PM): like....stuff happened not the way i wanted to
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:51:50 PM): and it made me wake up
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:51:55 PM): and i couldnt get back to sleep
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:52:06 PM): then my mom comes in this morning and is all
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:52:09 PM): take leah to school
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:52:12 PM): i was so pissed
MaTT (2/22/2007 1:52:22 PM): maybe its a sign
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:52:45 PM): i dont see how
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:52:58 PM): i couldnt connect it to anything
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:53:07 PM): cept my sleeping problem
MaTT (2/22/2007 1:53:13 PM): maybe like
MaTT (2/22/2007 1:53:27 PM): everything happening not how you wanting it to
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:53:36 PM): eh
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:53:39 PM): yeah...
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:53:41 PM): i guess
MaTT (2/22/2007 1:53:49 PM): and then waking up..and not being able to watch it happen to you anymore
MaTT (2/22/2007 1:54:07 PM): and then having to do something you didnt really want to..but you did it anyways..cause you had to
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:54:52 PM): hmm
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:55:13 PM): i was all sweaty too
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:55:19 PM): and i woke up kinda mad....
Brandon Rose (2/22/2007 1:55:26 PM): maybe just because i woke up
MaTT (2/22/2007 1:55:32 PM): hahaha
MaTT (2/22/2007 1:55:33 PM): yeah

Thanks for replying. Unfortunately, I was feeling like this last night when I came here, and it has bled over into this morning. How can I find out if I'm depressed or have another mental illness? Doctors are useless. I've visited countless websites, and read the symptoms of all the psychiatric diseases and can't find any of them that fit my current state:

-My brain feels weird, almost lightheaded, but not that. Just physically feels different upstairs, as if there is a seizure like storm of electrical impulses taking place and I'm trying to think through a thick fog of smoke and haze
-Feel as if I have something wrong with me that will not go away and defies medical explanation
-Feel desperate and agitated, confused, can't figure out what these sensations are inside my head
-Stare at objects, eyes go out of focus, hard to bring them back into focus
-This urge or feeling as if I'm about to cry out of frustration, but no tears come. I haven't cried in years
-Everything makes me rageful.. looking at a ashtray, watching a car drive by, observing people, holding a conversation
-Exhausted, fucked up, neurotic, and generally unpleasant
It happened this evening hours ago when I was going to get something to eat. I was overcome with it, I felt like I was inside glass cut off from the world. My mind felt like it was seizing inside, I was irritated, every negative emotion to be experienced washed over my soul and that makes me feel like I am going to lose control and kill myself or do something bad. I felt real confused and the sun was setting and the darkness in the skies felt ominous, like it was darker than usual and was reaching down like poisonous fingers enveloping me. It makes me feel just like I'm losing my mind. It slowly subsides over a few hours, and it leaves me physically exhausted, weak, fucking drained of life. I could sleep for hours. It happens at least once a day, maybe more. What's ya'lls thinking, damnit?
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