A Double Edged Sword

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Forgotten_Man, Jan 31, 2007.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Ok I know that this thread is a result of my habit of over thinking things, please forgive me.

    So as some know I am trying to change myself so that I may acquire more companions and escape my suicidal feelings and depression. But sometimes I wonder, I wonder about the outcome of this endeavor. The first thought is what if I try to make new companions and fail constantly? Another is what if I make one who was just playing me? Another what if I only get quantity not quality? I think that these would be more detrimental to me than helpful. I am a very fragile sensitive person. And really if I see any of these I do not see myself lasting more than 20 years, if even that. Granted I know that this is all speculation I could very well see great results. But my mind wanders. I mean really I can see myself lasting the rest of my life in my current state. Just slowly dragging through this life and in the end being bitter and full of hatred towards all. But I would at least be alive.

    I don't know, I am sure this is my depression trying to stomp out the small flame of hope within me. Trouble is that I do not know how much longer I can keep the flame going. It is just so scary you know.
  2. Vega

    Vega Well-Known Member

    OVer thinking can sometimes be a good thing, in that you'll get a helpful response.

    My response, might not be entirely helpful to you. But I know what it's like. I know what it's like to wonder what is all this for? What the hell's going on? There's only one Being that knows. God. If you're religious, if not then I apologize. However, life is the greatest endeavor of all.. you get to go through it, and along the way meet people. What I suggest to you, is don't worry about what'll happen in twenty years, ten years. Not even tomorrow. Wonder what will happen within the next few minutes, if that. Let me pass on a small quote a dear friend of mine once showed me.

    "Dream as if you'll live forever; Live as if you'll die today."

    That might not be the best quote to be sharing at this point in time, but we're both thinkers so let's unravel it. I'm not going to spend the twenty or so minutes it would take to type out the full meaning of the quote, I'm sure you can get it. But what I will point out is this. It's a duality. You're supposed to live as you do in your dreams, because no one knows what will happen in ten minutes, tomorrow.. what nots. You have to live for now, you have to live for you. And you have to live the way you want, the way you need too. Never let that hope falter, because it consists of every person on this board that cares for you, for me, for all of us.

    The quality of a friend, of an aquaintance is not for you to decide, nor is it for you to look for. You can't set out to look at a person and determine the quality of what they can give to you, you have to take a leap, and get to know someone. Don't judge, don't even opinionate before you get to know the person. I urge you to try getting to know someone. You might find just who you're looking for.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2007
  3. noplacetogo

    noplacetogo Well-Known Member

    hi forgotten man,
    yes it is very scary to try and change what we are so used to. i'm trying to do the same to get out of this depression too, but sometimes my paranoia and insecurities takeover and i end up turning things sour on my own. some advice, if you don't mind, just take it easy with people. No one's perfect and sometimes they are real jerks, i guess it's the price we pay while searching for the good ones. and i know you are probably very critical and gaurded when it comes to your emotions, but sometimes that can come off as cold to some people and then you'd end up fulfilling your own prophesy. but , what do i know. i'm just glad you are taking the chance. good luck with it, and i noticed you are somewhere in the rockies...me too. Colorado to be exact.
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am not religious but that does not mean that religion cannot offer advice to me. I am working on living more for the moment and not for the future. That is my next goal after I achieve my goal of building a good self-image.

    As for the friends thing. I always give people a chance, mainly because I never got one from most. What I am afraid of is that I might not have any good quality deep relationships. Rather just 100, a little higher than aquatence, relationships. And I do not want that. One of my greatest dreams is to have a person who knows me, the real me, in real life. And I want this person to have not met me online. But I know what you mean
    Well I am glad I am not the only one. I am pushing past these feelings slowly. Actually today I spoke with a female of whom I was aquianted with as she gave me a ride back to the apartment complex. It was kind of weird because I rarely do that with a male, much less a female, on a causal basis. I was very happy.

    I decided long ago that everyone deserves a chance. And I will give everyone a chance until I have had too many bad experiences. As for emotions, I have gotten better at letting mine seep out to people of whom I really want to keep around. I am just scared and unsure of how much emotion is too much.
  5. Vega

    Vega Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry I don't have much to say, but. So far as I figure it, you have to start somewhere, Forgotten. Whether it be online or at home. If you start somewhere and move to the next you'll know what to look for..
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Umm ok thanks I will keep that in mind when I cannot see my goal.
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