There's so much I wish I could say but I can't, physically can't .. I just stare into space, conversations I want to say occurring in my head instead of me being able to voice them, crying out just to be held but instead I am ignored if I am lucky, if I am unlucky I might be on the receiving end of vicious attacks... How do you ever feel like you matter when everyone tells you you don't, when everyone continues to show that you don't .. I didn't know where else to come but back here.. The thought of suicide is almost like a friend... A release from the noise in my head.. If only it were that easy as just in my head that would at least be possibly fixable... I want to sleep and never wake up, I feel totally destroyed.