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A fantasy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by OCDNihilism, Jul 8, 2016.

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  1. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    This was a post I wrote on another forum on the internet. Just hoping to see if I get more response on this one.

    I am almost 22 years old.

    I started with that phrase, maybe quite strange and not well placed, but with a good reason.
    Most people when reading that will undoubtly think that it's the beggining of an uncomplished story of life, where I will be complaining.. Well, that's about it!! It seemed I would be finish this little introduction in another way, but no, just another way to satisfy my need of being apparently, unusuall.. So lets begin.

    I am just broken, in a way that I can't feel how broken I am like I did some time ago.. Because of that, sometimes I try to imagine and create some scenarios that by experience, I think, should arouse some feeling, some marvoullous feeling of suffering, of frustration and self pity, maybe even some delight in distant dreams..

    One of those dreams, without space, I tried to tell myself what would really feel like to have a woman caressing my needs for affection, in the form of an embracing maybe, I can't know for sure that would be the best, because I can't trust my dreams or memories of watched movies, read poetry, love scenes with pulsating love.. I fail most of the time.. But I found an ember of that fire that is love.. From somewhere from my uncounciousness, really uncouncious, it came to me.. I don't know, I felt it feeling it, without thoughts to decorate it, to deny it.. What would it be to be embraced by the person you love?! I don't know.. I lost the image again.. I never had that in my life, and maybe that would be the cure for the poison that runs through my vains, from a diseased brain..

    Why do I write this here? Am I perhaps calling for a consumation of that desire? I didn't thought so when I started.. But now, maybe, I feel somewhat excited about the possibility of some girl to somehow be enchanted by my poor soul, that knows not love, or it's touch.. I am a poet from year to year, month to month, and it pains me that I would probably never be able to ever tell you again how much I loved you, and the whys.. Enough!!
  2. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    In English we have one word that is used to express a variety of emotions. That word is of course love. The Greeks have a number of words that describe the forms of love instead just one word.

    Over the past couple of weeks I've noticed people on here using the term love and wonder if they mean lust. Below are six words that are forms of love and it's useful when you know what they mean.
    I've read women saying things like he loves me and I think he lusts after me would be more accurate.

    As a poet you'll find a further study of this subject to be of great use. As a young man it will help you understand what it is you are feeling.

    Agape, H.

    Eros, or sexual passion or lust.
    Philia, or deep friendship
    Ludus, or playful love
    Agape, or love for everyone
    Pragma, or longstanding love
    Philautia, or love of the self

    OCDNihilism likes this.
  3. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    PS Forgot about Storge = the natural affection that flows from kinship and familiarity, as parents have for children and children for parents. It also describes a fondness between people.
  4. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    i'm curious about playful love
  5. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    The feelings we have when we test out what it might be like to be in love with someone. The fluttering heart and feelings of euphoria; the slightly dangerous sensation. ludus is displayed when we sit around in a pub and laughing with friends, or when we go out dancing.
  6. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

  7. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    I've been brushing up on Greek meanings and thought this little snippet might be of interest suzi.

    The ancient Greeks believed that when philautia was practiced appropriately, in a healthy, balanced and non-narcisisstic way, it provided the foundation upon which all other love could be built. The better your self-love-foundation was, the more brilliant a loving home you could build.

    If this is correct then the majority of people need to wipe the board clean and start again. Most people, myself included, started looking for love in other people.
  8. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    (Yikes, you're not going to like me.)

    Yes, interesting, but haven't we all heard "you can't love anybody else if you don't love yourself first"? I always assumed that meant love yourself in a healthy way, but, still I've never understood the logic there.

    But I've got this Christian thing going on in me that says God loved me first, and when I accept this love He gives me the ability to love others, even the people others might consider unloveable, even the others who hurt or hate me, even the others i don't want to love.

    I still love learning about other cultures and other faiths!!! So interesting!
  9. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    I will not dare to read my own post, I always cringe at whatever precious gems I thought I had found in myself to show the world, only to find a not even well polished piece of any kind of ordinary "bright-lucid" stone.

    I will take a guess that I was expressing something among the lines, "inexperienced boy" in the matters of love (Eros, Ludus or Pragma, wich I would consider to be a trio for the love we like to refer to).

    I am not particularly a poet, nor particularly any kind of men, I am just a diluted painting I tried too hard to perfect.. Only abstract and undicifrable.

    My vertent of style is that of a wanderer, so I must not suffer too much for my ineptitude to be coerent and concise.

    Back to the topic, I think I became quite inflamed at some passages, but never granted you can feel any of that in my writing...
    I would like to be saved from an angel, that would take me from my tomb I live in now, and fly on a sky with an house on infinite green field and tinted purple sky for the color of her cheeks..

    Eros much I do guess..
  10. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    I find it interesting that you prefer not to read your own post. Do you consider your own thoughts before speaking and then try and erase the words from memory? I like to analyze the intentions behind my thoughts to check for accuracy and sincerity. In fact as a matter of courtesy I will read through this post before posting.

  11. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    I'd never heard it, but it's probably from the classics and so would have been off my radar until now.

    The verse that comes to mind from scripture is, "We love, because He first loved us". This is from the first epistle of John and refers specifically to the redeemed and regenerate. It does not refer to mankind in general.
  12. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    Well, you forced me to read it. As I feared I couldn't even recall why I got so much inflamed like I thought I did when I wrote it. I do consider my thoughts, perhaps too much, so much that when I have an opportunity to give free flow I disregard logic to an extent. I do it all the time. But I do check my recent posts for what I said, but this one is so old that I just felt worried about whatever I wrote or didn't wrote.
  13. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    I'm certainly with you now and know how you feel. I have cringed on a few occasions when I read stuff I wrote 15 years ago. There have been some interesting studies on the thought process in relation to speech and movement.

    Nice to meet you OCDN.
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  14. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    Sorry for the uncivil waiting. Nice to meet you too, but only nice, and nice is just nice.. :). Sorry, think you know what I mean.
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