A feeling of emptiness

Hi...

I need help with my feelings. It is 11pm, and for the tenth time or so in a month my girlfriend tells me if she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. We have been together for a bit more than a year. We met online, and made things real. She was a young woman with a vast number of issues and I tried the best I could to help her, and one day, she confessed her love for me. I couldn't have been happier, it was my first relationship. Things went well, we lived apart (in different countries) and visiting her is tedious. We skyped a lot but her mother is horribly restrictive and when she found out she took her computer away. We had to improvise. When she got it back, it already felt different. Time passed, we talked, I met a boy named Alaska. His life was miserable. I can't stand seeing people in pain, what use is happiness if you're the only happy person. He wanted my love, and I couldn't give it to him. I already had my girlfriend. He tried to commit suicide and I stopped him by lying to him, told him I loved him. He told my girlfriend and things got confused. I hadn't told her. I last visited her in july and ever since I came back she doesn't want to talk. She avoids my questions. She says she doesn't know when I ask if she loves me. I worked so hard to be able to see her, to plan things so that I could see her without her parents knowing. The fact that I put so much of me in this, the fact that I forsook another human life so that she and I may be happy together is haunting.

To me an I don't know is a no. To my eyes she doesn't love me anymore... For so long I have tried to be in a relationship and rebutal is a horrifying pain. And she accepted me for who I am, with the silly world I live in. And now it's over. I don't want to be alone again. I lost or am losing my friends. I'm going to be alone. I can't cope with it. I lived it once I don't want to live it again. Please tell me if I can do anything... I don't think I'll be able to take it if this doesn't end well

 

Well, the only thing I can say is forget them all an start fresh. End all communications. Simple as that.