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A few last thoughts.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by vis781, Dec 10, 2012.

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  1. vis781

    vis781 Member

    Hi to all that may read this,

    So as I sit here with a ,edit moderator total eclipse method> I realised that as a citizen of this planet for the <edit moderator total eclipse timeline> All the literature I have read on the Web regarding suicide prevention and the reasons not to complete are wholly centered around invoking feelings of compassion for those that I would leave behind. Essentially an attempt to make me feel guilt and about the impact that taking my own life would have on my loved ones, my friends even my aquaintences. I wonder if such compassion existed that I would be about to end my life at all. I haven't recieved any calls or messages from my so called family and friends in months, actually the timeframe is getting closer to a year, no birthday cards no early Christmas wishes, nothing at all. I've lost my job and my marriage in the last 5 years, I will have lost two houses and every person that I thought cared for me. Where is the compassion in that? Where is the love that people so readily speak of? The sad truth is that sometimes when you are truly all alone as I am, that death isn't a solution to a temporary problem it doesn't mean that I have run out of coping rescources. It simply means that without love, or companionship or the promise that the phone will ring that there is no reason to wake tomorrow and endure another day. I've given myself a week, a month on a few occasions just as crisis centers say I should. But when you wake in the morning with this feeling.... Let me try to explain... we have all, at some point in our lives, suffered loss. It is the single most defining pain one can experience, I know that you will understand what I'm talking about when I describe a gut wrenching bottomless hole deep in your stomach, that moves around just to keep letting you know it's there, that sleeps when you do only to wake when you do, that can't be removed or replaced, quietened or arrested. Imagine that pain everyday, for the last 5 years, and where time should promise relief and sanctuary the stark reality of life only serves to feed it. This is my pain, it's one that I can no longer endure, it's one that I will no longer suffer. Life is beautiful? For most it really is and I do so wish all those that have made better choices than I stay around to experience it all. For some, like me, life is a battle, one that I knew I could not fight forever and I have simply reached the end.

    I am a 34 year old man, I am 6' 6" tall and to see me you would not think anything was wrong with me. On the inside I am broken, to the opposite sex I am desperate and needy, to what used to be my friends I am whinger and I spoil a night out, to my family I am not worth the trouble. The me that lives today bears no resemblence to any man I like, no man at all.

    I take comfort in the fact that somewhere out there in the cloud a piece of me will exist, in my truest form, the man writing this, without pretence or the need for social barriers, a man that has reached the end of his time. My only regret will be that I will die with such a heavy heart and an overwhelming sense of sadness inside of me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi vis781 I deleted the method posted and your timeline hun against rules that being said i do hope hun you go to hospital now and get the help you need.
    I know you feel alone and isolated but it is not so hun you have here now and we listen and we will care ok You have not exhausted all your options for staying hun ok
    Give us a chance ok do not harm yourself as you stated you will. Keep talking hun get help ok you are still young broken inside yes but that can be fixed it can hun i am telling you it CAN BE FIXED Don't give up yet please hun you there is still hope you just cannot see it for the pain your in but there is hope Call your doctor go to hospital now hun ok and get the help that is there and that you deserve h ugs
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Also h un you can talk Good Samaritans hun on computer your call them or call suicide hot line posted here please hun talk to us ok let us know you are ok hugs
  4. vis781

    vis781 Member

    Apologies, I didn't mean to break any rules. I have tried all those things, hotlines, doctors etc the thing is I'll never open up to anyone face to face so they don't take me seriously. I don't want to be locked away, that's worse than death. It's my life so my choices, I won't let someone take those choices away because they've spoken to me for 15 minutes. I only really came here becuase I'm feeling so lonely and I'm scared stiff. Just needed to take my mind of it for a minute or two while the alcohol does it's thing.

    Thank you for replying total eclipse, I came here so that at least someone knew how I really felt but I don't want to be helped, just heard.

    Be well.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun i hear you ok and dam hun i know how much pain one can feel when they are so isolated i do.

    You are not alone now ok I am here listening to you so please hun no one will lock you away just reach out tell them how alone you feel hun

    YOU deserve healing inside ok you do

    I am glad you are talking to me keep talking and you will see that here we support each other ok and it is this place that has kept me going for a long time now.

    Let us be that support to you hun
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You still there hun please let us know you are alright ok hugs
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please talk to us; you've come to a place where you can find support, and even friendship if it's something you want or need. Please give us the chance to prove to you that people do care and will reach out to you.

    My PM box is always open if you ever feel like talking.
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I know only too well the black hole and it's depths.
    I too lost everything, bar my son and the loneliness and fear is all consuming.
    I have no platitudes, no great answers and time does not heal, but it does cause a scab and the scab hardens and makes life bearable again.
    I came to this forum nearly 7 years ago and was in the blackest hole of my life.
    Strangers reached out to me and have become firm friends, without them I don't think I would have made it.
    You've landed here for a reason, let us walk with you till you are ready to stand alone once more.
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun you still there please give us a chance ok just do that give us a chance hugs
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just hoping you'll come back and give us a chance!
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Really hoping that you are okay :sad:
  12. Tired John

    Tired John Well-Known Member

    I hear your voice and feel your pain. Our story are different but not so much so. I don't know if you have taken the final step, but if you have, may the afterlife welcome you with peace and an end to your pain.
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