A Few Months Later

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by davidmisseslisa, Oct 24, 2010.

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  1. Since they won't delete my account or old posts, which I think would be done at a minimum out of respect for the sensitivity of this subject, I thought I would post an update.

    It was been several months since I was suicidal. Or, actually, I don't know if I was suicidal. I never made a plan or had a plan. But when a girlfriend broke up with me that I truly loved, and she did it in a very rude way which was designed to hurt me, I was left lower thann low. I loved her so much and one of my first thoughts was that I wasn't sure I wanted to live without her.

    To put it into context, I'd had a rough few years - I was involved in a family dispute that left me estranged from my parents, I had a breakup of a business partnership with a truly corrupt person, and I had financial difficulties that left me wondering where my next cent would come from. My relationship with this girl - who I over-idealized so much - became a source of hope and I foolishly let my heart go too far too fast with someone who turned out to not be at all who I thought she was. I took a very foolish risk.

    It would come to me at strange times. I frequently would go running or walking down at a local beach with cliffs. I would find myself thinking, instead of how beautiful the beach and the waves were, of whether I would die if I jumped off a cliff. Or what would happen if I just jumped in the cold water, and swam as far and as fast as I could...If I was in a tall building, thoughts of jumping would occur. If driving, thoughts of turning off an embankment to end it occurred to me.

    I worried that sometime, in the right or wrong circumstance, I might act on it and it would be too late before I had second thoughts. I thought about the absurdity of wanting to end it over a relatively brief relationship. I had anger but mostly I had sadness, and was a little scared at what I might do.

    I persevered. At first, everyone who saw me knew something was wrong. People on the phone told me I sounded "sad" because I did. People who saw me would sometimes tell me they wanted to take me to lunch sometime, in an attempt to cheer me up. I was so isolated, it didn't help much. I had some good support and friends who helped me but I hid how much I was really hurting.

    After a few weeks, when I'd already gotten through the very worst of it, a few people somehow picked up on the idea that something was wrong. I would get calls asking if I was coming to the office every day. I would truthfully respond that I was. The full truth would have been that a couple of weeks earlier, I wasn't, and would spend entire days wasted, miserable, reading recovery and self help books at the beach, or watching porn, which always has a depressive effect (have you noticed). I would try to reach out to people who were varying degrees of help.

    I spend a couple of weekend nights (at least) calling suicide hotline numbers. I won't discourage people from doing that and I will say it did help a little, at times where a little help was a lot.

    It was made harder by the fact that the girl I was dating had made false police reports claiming I never dated her and that I was stalking her, both of which were untrue. I sent her a text message once and received a call from a policewoman (supposedly) threatening to arrest me for it. All I said was I loved her. That was about 5 months after the breakup.

    That event, which in terms of time, is far too recent, allowed me to start moving towards a psychological recovery. I no longer feel love for her or even remember what I felt or why. I do wonder what the hell was going through my brain that I allowed myself to fall for someone so fast, someone with so many red flags. Someone I'd been warned away from. And I get angry sometimes - after all, who wouldn't - towards her.

    I haven't dated anyone seriously since then. It was pretty intense and I have to wonder why I am so flawed that I fell in love so quickly with a crazy person. I risked it all and nearly lost it all.

    But I will tell you, I am no longer suicidal. I don't think about killing myself. I go to the beach, and don't think about jumping from cliffs, or using my gun to quickly end it. I feel happy often. I did a triathlon recently! I have new clients! New friends! And I lost about 20 pounds. All in all, life is good.

    I will be trying to find a girlfriend in the next few weeks. I miss the woman's touch. I will struggle to maintain perspective when I realize I seem to like it all too much. I'll be careful this time.

    I hope this is helpful to someone. Please let me know if it is. If there is anyone out there I can help, please let me know also as you are all too valuable to let the bad in this world take you out.

    As Elvis Costello said, What's so Funny about Peace, Love and Understanding?
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear that things are getting better for you.

    I think that often times people want to be in love so much, that they project qualities onto someone that they don't actually have. That may have been the case here.

    Falling so much in love is not a bad thing. With the right person, it can be just right.

    I would recommend getting rid of the gun. More likely to be trouble than to help.

    You may be able to go back to your old posts and edit them. If someone quoted you though, I don't think you can change that.
  3. ilovedilostwhatnow

    ilovedilostwhatnow Active Member

    im happy that your getting better. and that girl you dont need her you deserve better
  4. Thanks to both of you so much. It is good to know there is a place where people will reach out to you, even if you are feeling darker than I was feeling a few months back. And that was pretty low. I have to say that my faith is what helped me the most.

    I will also probably not be coming back here for awhile. Why? Well, for a couple of reasons. One, though I don't any longer feel as sad, and down, and don't have anything close to suicidal ideation at present, it wasn't all that long ago. Reading through here brings back bad memories that just bring me down. I learned my lesson hard and quick, and I don't need to learn any more any faster than I am - I don't need to test my pain threshold when it got that scarey. And also, I can't help but thinking that some of the people here are not moving on with life, that being disaffected is a preference of sorts. About them I will say a few prayers, and hope they can snap out of it because life can truly be wonderful. Even for you.

    However, I may check messages every once in awhile. If there is someone here that needs to talk or needs a friend or who is touched in any way by what I wrote, let me know, and I'll be there. It may not be immediately, though, as I won't check this often. I can't, as I've discussed.

    Thanks and good luck to all of you.:love:
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