A few thoughts and feelings.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by opticchaos, Apr 18, 2012.

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  1. opticchaos

    opticchaos Member

    Feeling desperately depressed, all the time. My life feels like it's going nowhere fast and everyone else I know is getting everything they want, so easily.

    Let me explain about the many reasons I'm suicidal.

    First: I have been struggling with my sexual orientation since I was 13. The town I grew up in is not exactly the most enlightened of places and my mother is the most homophobic person I have ever met. I constantly have to hide who I am from my family and this constantly causes me distress.

    Second: Let me be clear, I'm not being big headed here, I am a genius. Because I was always so much cleverer than the rest of my class at school I got so used to never even trying and still getting the top grades. When it came to GCSEs I got 15 A grades without even trying. At A Level, I carried on with the attitude of not trying. Where I promptly failed. This was really where my depression definitely got worse. This was my first real attempt at suicide. I changed school and tried again. And failed again. Not being used to failure I didn't really know how to handle this. This was the second time I attempted suicide. I tried again and finally passed. I went to university. And failed. Tried again. And failed again. My friends, which are not as intelligent as me, are all passing University without even trying, which makes me feel like crap. I gave up and figured, third time lucky. It didn't work, which sent me into an even more suicidal tailspin.

    Third: I'm unemployed, which sucks. I apply for every job I can possibly do and never even get an interview. My friends all get jobs falling into their laps, whenever they want them.

    Fourth: I haven't had a relationship in 7 years and can't find anyone interested in me. Can't even have a one night stand.

    So overall, everything in my life is crap. Nothing works. And I hate myself more and more each day and constantly feel like ending it all. I just needed somewhere to "talk" and this seemed the best place.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    This is a great place to reach out hun great place to vent hugs toyou
  3. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    First, it's not very attractive calling yourself a genius. In grade school, I passed everything without trying, getting top grades. I am not a genius. Here in the states (in the south), we have to take ACTs to get into college. I was "home schooled" all through high school, which in my case was code for "doing absolutely nothing". Still, I got a great score on my ACTs and joined the Honor's Society at my new University. It does not mean I'm a genius.
    Second, I doubt everything is just falling into people's laps. They likely just don't tell you about the setbacks. In University, you HAVE to study to pass classes, especially in upper level courses. So chances are, they are studying. It takes work.
    I understand that jobs are hard to find. It's a crappy economy just about everywhere these days. :( I'm sorry. That must really be hard. Just keep trying, it's all you can do. Eventually it has to work out in your favor.

    I wish you the best of luck.
    PS. Not trying to be an ass about the whole "genius" thing, it just annoys me. It feels like you're trying to say you're "better" than all us regular people.
  4. opticchaos

    opticchaos Member

    Well having an IQ of 177 makes me a genius. So . . .

    I'm not better than "regular people" my life sucks. And I made it this way.

    Thanks total eclipse, virtual hugs help.
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