There seems to be such a fine line between things being awful and things being good, between bearable and just not. I'm supposed to be in the prime of my life and yet I don't feel much like living these days. Every time I seem to be making a move for the better something happens that just knocks me backwards. I don't know what to do. This past semester I failed three of my five classes because I couldn't get my head together enough to go and finish the projects even though I liked the classes and professors all told me I was really good. I just couldn't force myself to complete it. Besides feeling like such a failure, I also found out that I lost my financial aid because of my 'lack of progress' and have to reapply for it. I don't know what I'll do if I don't get it back. Everything that I could possibly be includes a degree, and I've already spent so much time and energy that I would just be devastated. Not to mention that I'd have to tell my mother (whom I live with) what's happened and she may very well kick me out. It's not that I'm not a smart person. I'm a very smart person. I think it's mostly that I get so caught up in the way my dad taught me to think about things. In his world there is either an A or an F and if you can't be 100% successful then you are a failure. I get so scared that I will try my hardest and still fail, that I end up not being able to try much at all, and I still feel like a failure. I just sort of feel that my life isn't worth living anymore if I can't make my family proud and provide for myself and live a life that contributes to the world. At this point I can't even contribute to myself. I don't want to die, but I just can't be a burden on everyone else's lives forever, and I'm scared I will never get things figured out. Time just keeps moving faster and faster and I don't know what to do.
Instead of failing the courses, can you get an incomplete, and have the professor put in the grades after the projects are done? Many universities will allow that...and maybe take on smaller goals so that you are not overwhelmed by so many things in the future...get the projects done and then move on...J
I totally know how you feel... I've dropped out of three different colleges, just got fired from my job of 13 years over something I didn't even do, and I'm running out of money... I've applied for new jobs and there's just nothing out there. I feel like I don't deserve to live. You definitely sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders. We need to hang in there and keep pressing on. I try to tell myself "When the goin' gets tough, the tough get goin'."... easier said than done. I wish I had the answer for you. -d-
