I have a very petty thing that is upsetting me with my cousin. I know its my own stuff. And there is something deeper that triggers the feeling. Still it is bothering me SO much. so I wanted to post it here.
I decided to make my ever famous curry paste for certain people for christmas. And also my sesame brittle. I developed both recipes. The Curry paste took a long time to develop and is complex to make.
I sent a lot of it to my cousin who lives on the opposite end of the US. who I was never close with until she needed strategic and emotional help. And I offered to be the person to help( along with my brother). I sent a lot of the curry paste and brittle because she has a boyfriend she lives with. and I know she loves it. She has had it before when she was visiting her mother. She knew it was taking me a very long time to get up the energy etc to attempt to make it. Many weeks, in fact. She knew it was a monumental thing for me to do. And then to package up and mail.... because I am not well.
I feel so dismissed though. Or perhaps powerless. I saw through USPS tracking that it was delivered to her at noon on the 23rd. On the 26th I sent an email to her asking if she had gotten it. That I just wanted to check. She said no she had not. That she left on the 24th to go to the desert. And it had not arrived before the24th when she and her bf left. But she was sure it would be there waiting when she got home.
I emailed her back saying that I actually tracked it and USPS says they delivered it on the day before she left for the desert. So I am concerned. She said not to worry that it was the thought that counts.
That upset me. It was not the thought. It was the time and love that went into it. It is SO hard for me to do something like this. I felt so "blown off" and dismissed.
I waited a day and then sent her an email just saying I am glad they are having a good time and asking to please let me know one way or another re the package when they get home. Because if it in fact is not there, I can collect insurance on it and remake and resend it. That was the last I heard from her. No answer. But I have seen her in facebook posting. I think she would not do that from the desert. So chances are she is home again.
She only calls me when there is an emotional problem. That is the nature of our relationship. She is stable now because she has money and a boyfriend with whom she lives. But still, I went through so much making and sending this gift. She did send me a down comforter she had gotten years ago from her mother but had no use for. This is partly why I sent the profusion of sesame brittle and curry paste.
I cannot contact USPS saying it was not received on the 24th. Because I need to hear that it is not there now. I believe she is back home. And yet she is not contacting me. I feel that there is a window of opportunity in which I can contact USPS aboutt this. After that it will be considered too late. So it is time sensitive.
I know full well that if there was an emotional crisis she would be calling me asap either complaining or crying hysterically (no exaggeration). But as long as the boyfriend is there and behaving and the money is there, she has no real reason to contact me. It is odd considering I am in so much worse shape than her. And yet she turns to me sometimes complaining over some things that would seem like a godsend to me. I do not have the money or the boyfriend or the friends. I do now have the mental stability she has. But she calls me crying. Still when she is stable she has no use for me. even to be polite and respectful about a gift she knows was so very hard to pull together and send.
I know realistically that my only power in this is to let go of it. But it seems hard to do. Because I feel devalued and dismissed. I just do want to wash my hands of it and not feel resentment etc. But I am having a hard time doing that because it hits me where my feelings of being dismissed and irrelevent live.
Thanks for reading my foolishness. I appreciate it. :hug:
I decided to make my ever famous curry paste for certain people for christmas. And also my sesame brittle. I developed both recipes. The Curry paste took a long time to develop and is complex to make.
I sent a lot of it to my cousin who lives on the opposite end of the US. who I was never close with until she needed strategic and emotional help. And I offered to be the person to help( along with my brother). I sent a lot of the curry paste and brittle because she has a boyfriend she lives with. and I know she loves it. She has had it before when she was visiting her mother. She knew it was taking me a very long time to get up the energy etc to attempt to make it. Many weeks, in fact. She knew it was a monumental thing for me to do. And then to package up and mail.... because I am not well.
I feel so dismissed though. Or perhaps powerless. I saw through USPS tracking that it was delivered to her at noon on the 23rd. On the 26th I sent an email to her asking if she had gotten it. That I just wanted to check. She said no she had not. That she left on the 24th to go to the desert. And it had not arrived before the24th when she and her bf left. But she was sure it would be there waiting when she got home.
I emailed her back saying that I actually tracked it and USPS says they delivered it on the day before she left for the desert. So I am concerned. She said not to worry that it was the thought that counts.
That upset me. It was not the thought. It was the time and love that went into it. It is SO hard for me to do something like this. I felt so "blown off" and dismissed.
I waited a day and then sent her an email just saying I am glad they are having a good time and asking to please let me know one way or another re the package when they get home. Because if it in fact is not there, I can collect insurance on it and remake and resend it. That was the last I heard from her. No answer. But I have seen her in facebook posting. I think she would not do that from the desert. So chances are she is home again.
She only calls me when there is an emotional problem. That is the nature of our relationship. She is stable now because she has money and a boyfriend with whom she lives. But still, I went through so much making and sending this gift. She did send me a down comforter she had gotten years ago from her mother but had no use for. This is partly why I sent the profusion of sesame brittle and curry paste.
I cannot contact USPS saying it was not received on the 24th. Because I need to hear that it is not there now. I believe she is back home. And yet she is not contacting me. I feel that there is a window of opportunity in which I can contact USPS aboutt this. After that it will be considered too late. So it is time sensitive.
I know full well that if there was an emotional crisis she would be calling me asap either complaining or crying hysterically (no exaggeration). But as long as the boyfriend is there and behaving and the money is there, she has no real reason to contact me. It is odd considering I am in so much worse shape than her. And yet she turns to me sometimes complaining over some things that would seem like a godsend to me. I do not have the money or the boyfriend or the friends. I do now have the mental stability she has. But she calls me crying. Still when she is stable she has no use for me. even to be polite and respectful about a gift she knows was so very hard to pull together and send.
I know realistically that my only power in this is to let go of it. But it seems hard to do. Because I feel devalued and dismissed. I just do want to wash my hands of it and not feel resentment etc. But I am having a hard time doing that because it hits me where my feelings of being dismissed and irrelevent live.
Thanks for reading my foolishness. I appreciate it. :hug:
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