I don't know where to begin. I honestly don't. For as long as I can remember, I've experienced intense amounts of pain for years and years. In the morning, I'd often be happy, and willing to do things. I'd go through the day as any normal human being would. Talking to friends, finishing work, going home, eating, and doing whatever it is I do. But I'd always subconsciously have that tick of miserable, inconsolable pain in the back of my head that frequently throbs at inappropriate times, which felt like it was shattering the bones in my legs, bringing me to the ground. And I'll tell you why. Around the age of 8, I had constant trouble fitting in, making friends, and talking to people. I always irritated people with my awkward hyperactivity and utter lack of socials skills. At age 11, I was alienated from almost everyone I knew. Not only did I have trouble making friends, but it was also around the time where people started liking the opposite gender and getting into cute, meaningless relationships. Imagine how that played out. I was now friendless, and lonely. Then, at age 13, in my last elementary school year, my life started to deteriorate. I became self-conscious, sentient to the point where I started realizing everything about myself. The things I do, good and bad, all down to the last detail. The utter realization of it all rattled my core severely. Over the years, I gradually developed insomnia, OCD, chronic paranoia, and altered the way I thought and did things dramatically. My mind schiz'd out and went on overdrive in a last attempt to fix everything about me before my mental stability took a hard blow. The way I talk, walk, think, feel, perceive even. It was a bad move for me though. My mind is now on constant surveillance of everything I think, say, and do. The simple act of this started to rot my mental state, and instead of preventing insanity, it provoked it harder than it ever has before. And the oncoming insanity was more than noticeable. I grew separate sides of myself inside of me. One was good, kind-hearted, and always provided support for me when I was down. One was evil, misanthropic, sadistic, masochistic, and every other demented personality trait, and one was, how should I put it; insane. He rambles on inside my head, sprouting nonsensical phrases, and going even as far as saying he's not an insane version of me, but instead, me in the future. I'm not saying this is the only thing that's caused me to attempt suicide. Right now, I'm in a huge problem with this girl. I started talking to her around the beginning of the year. She was incredibly nice, stunningly beautiful, and always wanted to talk to me and be with me. She was also dating someone at the time who would constantly treat her with disrespect, and as time passed, I grew to like her, and I knew she grew to like me too. She would tell me everything about what was going on in her relationship. I was always there to lend her support, and a shoulder to cry on. I started to mean alot to her. Then one day, alone at her house, we got a little close. After that day she broke up with her boyfriend, because mainly she realized how much better she could be treated, her friends, and because she wanted to be with me. But now, she is almost always unhappy, because she still loves him (they have been dating for 2 years). She isn't as lovey as she usually is around me, and has started to need intense amounts of space. She even considered taking something before going to sleep so she doesn't wake up, and always talks about running away. I have somewhat learned to live with being slightly insane, but I have never felt such intense feelings for someone, and when I feel like we are growing apart, and when she tells me she wanted to die, I don't think I've ever hurt so bad in my entire life. I've been more suicidal now than I have ever been. Right now, my mental state is a complete wreck. My chronic paranoia has gotten worse, my insomnia is fluctuating more over the months, and I'm starting to lose emotions. Sadness makes me feel more like an empty, soulless, worthless being, when I should be feeling miserable, unhappy, and brought down. It's hard to explain. I have even once considered killing a family member just to see if I can cry. No matter what anyone says to me, it never affects me. I feel it should be a moving point in my life, and that I should make what they said a part of my life, but it seems all the helping, caring love in the world cannot bring me back to my feet. It all translates back to unhappiness. Please. Help me.