A frayed wire.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DizzyKay, May 12, 2009.

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  1. DizzyKay

    DizzyKay Member

    I don't know where to begin. I honestly don't.

    For as long as I can remember, I've experienced intense amounts of pain for years and years. In the morning, I'd often be happy, and willing to do things. I'd go through the day as any normal human being would. Talking to friends, finishing work, going home, eating, and doing whatever it is I do. But I'd always subconsciously have that tick of miserable, inconsolable pain in the back of my head that frequently throbs at inappropriate times, which felt like it was shattering the bones in my legs, bringing me to the ground.

    And I'll tell you why.

    Around the age of 8, I had constant trouble fitting in, making friends, and talking to people. I always irritated people with my awkward hyperactivity and utter lack of socials skills.

    At age 11, I was alienated from almost everyone I knew. Not only did I have trouble making friends, but it was also around the time where people started liking the opposite gender and getting into cute, meaningless relationships.

    Imagine how that played out. I was now friendless, and lonely.

    Then, at age 13, in my last elementary school year, my life started to deteriorate. I became self-conscious, sentient to the point where I started realizing everything about myself. The things I do, good and bad, all down to the last detail. The utter realization of it all rattled my core severely.

    Over the years, I gradually developed insomnia, OCD, chronic paranoia, and altered the way I thought and did things dramatically. My mind schiz'd out and went on overdrive in a last attempt to fix everything about me before my mental stability took a hard blow. The way I talk, walk, think, feel, perceive even. It was a bad move for me though. My mind is now on constant surveillance of everything I think, say, and do. The simple act of this started to rot my mental state, and instead of preventing insanity, it provoked it harder than it ever has before. And the oncoming insanity was more than noticeable. I grew separate sides of myself inside of me. One was good, kind-hearted, and always provided support for me when I was down. One was evil, misanthropic, sadistic, masochistic, and every other demented personality trait, and one was, how should I put it; insane. He rambles on inside my head, sprouting nonsensical phrases, and going even as far as saying he's not an insane version of me, but instead, me in the future.

    I'm not saying this is the only thing that's caused me to attempt suicide. Right now, I'm in a huge problem with this girl. I started talking to her around the beginning of the year. She was incredibly nice, stunningly beautiful, and always wanted to talk to me and be with me. She was also dating someone at the time who would constantly treat her with disrespect, and as time passed, I grew to like her, and I knew she grew to like me too. She would tell me everything about what was going on in her relationship. I was always there to lend her support, and a shoulder to cry on. I started to mean alot to her. Then one day, alone at her house, we got a little close. After that day she broke up with her boyfriend, because mainly she realized how much better she could be treated, her friends, and because she wanted to be with me. But now, she is almost always unhappy, because she still loves him (they have been dating for 2 years). She isn't as lovey as she usually is around me, and has started to need intense amounts of space. She even considered taking something before going to sleep so she doesn't wake up, and always talks about running away. I have somewhat learned to live with being slightly insane, but I have never felt such intense feelings for someone, and when I feel like we are growing apart, and when she tells me she wanted to die, I don't think I've ever hurt so bad in my entire life. I've been more suicidal now than I have ever been.

    Right now, my mental state is a complete wreck. My chronic paranoia has gotten worse, my insomnia is fluctuating more over the months, and I'm starting to lose emotions. Sadness makes me feel more like an empty, soulless, worthless being, when I should be feeling miserable, unhappy, and brought down. It's hard to explain. I have even once considered killing a family member just to see if I can cry.

    No matter what anyone says to me, it never affects me. I feel it should be a moving point in my life, and that I should make what they said a part of my life, but it seems all the helping, caring love in the world cannot bring me back to my feet. It all translates back to unhappiness.


    Help me.
  2. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    Wow, a lot of info there to read. I can't think of anything positive to say to you other than you will find a lot of helpful people on this forum. :smile:
  3. Overruled

    Overruled Active Member

    I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for you here, but I feel the need to post. I can not help but see myself there in that text. Everything except the girl is me.

    I have to ask; with your OCD, do you often have a perfectionist manner of performing tasks? When I go for walks, I make sure to never walk on the cracks in the pavement. When I play a game, I will not play past the beginning unless everything is at its highest possible point.

    When you or someone else talks, do you imagine every possible way it could have been said and which is the best? Do you feel annoyed when you find things like imperfect grammar or spelling? Do I even make any sense? Lol.
  4. tls5669

    tls5669 Active Member

    First off. Welcome to the forums.

    Let her have her space, just dont back all the way off. Instead of hanging out with her every day, hang out 3 times a week and call her on the other days. Turn to the ones that love you. Im not gonna blow smoke up your ass and tell you that no woman is worth dieing for, thats false. I would give my life in a minute for a family member or a real close friend, but my life is insignificant to me.

    But life is worth living, Ive been having a correspondence with someone on this forum and she has at least temporarily strengthened me. My suicidal thoughts have been a lot less, and I thank her for that.

    Dont be afraid to pm the good people here, Im here for you, you can pm me if you wish. although Im not the greatest at giving advice, I try the best I can.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2009
  5. tls5669

    tls5669 Active Member

    Yes you do make sense Overruled.
    Im anal about crooked pictures, they drive me insane! Im always fixing pictures, where ever I go. I know that may sound silly, but believe it or not, that interferes with a lot of things, in every day life.
  6. DizzyKay

    DizzyKay Member

    I also count my steps inbetween the cracks and make sure they are all the exact number.

    And to answer your last three questions, yes.

    I'm giving her as much space as possible, even just leaving her alone for whole days.

    This girl is all I have left in my life.
  7. Overruled

    Overruled Active Member

    It does get a bit much sometimes ... I actually keep a tape measure and level with me when I go places. I can't go without them.

    Wow ... you two are too much like me. You need help. xD

    Another point I'm curious about now then ... do the voices not tell you everything about the people you know? When I wake up in the morning, I've got every conversation I will have that day planned in my head and know how people will react. If you're the same, then I'd take some extra time to see how she would hold in a conversation.

    There are times when people feel like they want to be alone, but most of the time it's not that they want to be alone; it's just that they don't want to be near people. They don't want to think about things, just for them to get better. I'd try to find with her and just sit with her. You don't even need to say anything. Let her collect herself a bit and then talk. Once thoughts can be organised things are much easier.

    If neither of those work, then we'll find something else that will. I'll root for you as long as the amount of cheers is even, divisible by three and five, and preferably end in 0. :p
  8. DizzyKay

    DizzyKay Member

    My voices only seem to do what pertains to the situation, or how I'm feeling. Often, either one of them may pop in at any random time, like when I'm feeling down, sometimes the good side will try to cheer me up, or the bad side will just bring me down further. The insane side only comes in when I'm getting incredibly stressed, or my mental stability is starting to crack.

    And yes, I do plan out conversations, and whilst people are talking, I think really hard about what to say after they're finished.
  9. Overruled

    Overruled Active Member

    Fair enough, but I suppose I'm also a little bit different with the voice. It's just one in my head, but with varying moods ... he plans out everything I say and do (like writing this post :p) and basically just talks endlessly. Sometimes I have trouble hearing people because I can't shut him up or just blank out and listen. xD

    I suppose the voice is just telling me my feelings. I dropped them years ago because they were useless to me. I guess that's sort of what you said in the last main paragraph of your first post :p

    I suppose I need it though; if I didn't have the voice telling me how to live I'd be completely lost. He may not be great at maths, but who cares? I'm not going to need that where I want to go ...

    I wish you luck with your crazy voice. He sounds like a bitch. :p
  10. DizzyKay

    DizzyKay Member

    Honestly, I don't want any of my voices. Even though the good side helps me with my life, he still reminds me of how my mental state is depleting.
  11. DizzyKay

    DizzyKay Member

    I have also noticed that lately, if I'm alone too long, I have short lapses of insanity. It feels like incredibly intense amounts of stress, followed by depersonalization and slight derealization. It is a strong and mentally painful moment of disassociation, but it usually ends quite quickly.
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Have you seen a shrink about these voices?? They have meds for them.. I'm not skyzo but my shrink put me on a med for skyzophrenia and it has helped with my thinking and the shadows I see out of the corner of my eyes..Meds are trial and error so they may have to try several before they find the right ones that help..
    I agree you should give this young lady some space but don't back away completely.. Talk to her about her feelings, this might help her sort things out sooner..Just don't make the converstaion all about you or she will walk right out of your life..I hope you can work things out with her because it sounds like you love her alot..If she goes back to her ex then at least you still have a good friend..
  13. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean... exactly what you mean.
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