a friend has left me frightened

[yoyo_girl]

I had coffee with a friend yesterday and I am worried about him. We aren't extremely close but we have shared some very personal information. AMong those things are that he suffers from deep recurrent depression and that I have bipolar disorder.

He is in the midst of a bad depression right now... on the verge of tears all the time. He says he spends a lot of time thinking about how suicide is the only solution to this suffering he has to endure. The depression never goes far and it hits him so very hard. He looks ahead and sees years of depression and suffering. With the average life expectancy he can look forward to maybe another 50+ yrs of hell.

For myself, I am in a crisis emotionally. My husband has been abusive in the past and I am desperate to find a way out of the emotional pain I am in. Leaving isn't an option.

My worry is two fold... I can't lie to him. I can't tell him that there is another solution. I know from experience that meds are hit and miss at best... they often don't work or stop working as well as come with a host of unwelcome side effects. He has already been on medication. So, I am worried for him... that he might kill himself because he can't stand the thought of a life of this pain. My other worry is for me. I can't help it.. I agree with him in so many ways. Not because I face the same degree of depression, but because I know that I face a life of instability and emotional confusion. I don't see a lot of solutions for a happy life.

WHat I see is a life of marginality, poverty and social isolation. I will always be suffering in one form or another. I can get by in life each day without anyone noticing i have trouble. I can act confident and fun loving. "I have everything going for me." But inside I am in pain so often. I can move through social situations but I don't really understand them. I can't seem to interpret how people interact. I end up feeling frustrated, unloved and isolated, even among people.

I have real trouble stringing life together in any real meaningful way. That won't change with meds or therapy. You can teach a person new skills. You can help them relearn patterns, etc. What you can't do is make them feel. You can't give them missing links. You can't make the world work in a way that works for them.

So... I sit contemplating my friend's question. I just don't know what to say or what to think. I think he is deep water, and I know I am.

No, I am not sucidal... meaning I am not in any immediate danger. I am just trying to find reasons to fight off these feelings and maybe help my friend do the same.

Thanks for listening.

 

[moment_of_silens]

I am really sorry for what you have been dealing with, and your friend as well.
I wanna say that your friend REALLY needs you as a friend right now. Its good tou have someone that can relate. As far as ending the pain. Some pain always sticks around. You know its there. You cant make it go away. But you can always put up a fight. Everything you go through in life makes you who you are. But you have 2 options overtake it or let it overtake you. I suggest that you try something new. What really makes you happy? What really makes your friend happy? Im no pro. But I do know thats what you need to find. Nothing can get better if there arent any changes made. And I dont mean changes in a negative way. Talk to your husband. Tell him whats on your mind. Tell him what you really want to tell him. Let him know how you feel. If he really cares he will do something to better the both of your lives. Honestly, why wouldnt he? Again, be there for your friend. EVERYONE needs someone that can open up to about anything without anyone judging or jumping to conclusions. I wish you the best, please keep me posted! ! !

 

[Hazel]

Hi yoyo_girl and welcome to Sf, I think your post rings true for many people on Sf, it's what we are all striving for, the 'other' solution.
As you say meds are hit & miss but we have to keep trying for the one that works, I had many, before years on I actually now have one that is working for me.
When I say 'working' I don't mean, I feel great all of the time but the good times are better and longer & I recover from the bad times much quicker, don't sink so low in the pit.
Please encourage your friend to, not give up on the medication even though he feels there is no hope - there is!
Of course medication is not a miracle cure, perhaps you and your friend could take up some form of exercise, this would help you both & give you a break from your husband.
May I ask why leaving isn't an option?

Take care Hazel x

 

[yoyo_girl]

Thank you for your kind responses.

I can't talk to my husband. I can't predict what he will do. I am too afraid. I am in therapy dealing with a lot of that, but I even have to keep that from him. I can't be even too revealing here... who knows if he would find it?

Leaving... well, that is another reason I am in therapy. Why don't I? WHy can't i? Why haven't I long ago? I don't have all the answers to that. I do know it's not black and white. Ask anyone who has been abused. Why do women stay? It's a million dollar question.

Some of it is that I am not like other people in some basic way that I can't quite grasp. I just can't seem to operate in the same ways. This is why I don't see any good solutions for me either... to end the heavy burden of pain I have been carrying I would have to take up a different sort of burden... and THAT one doesn't have an end, or a work-around.

I can't leave. I can't stay. I spend so much of my time in agony. Who wouldn't think of suicide??

My friend... I know he needs me. I just don't know what to say. I can't pass along the stuff about fighting it off... I mean, why? Why fight it off? We both need reasons to do that. That is the heart of my post I think... What I have, and what he has, in a very analytical sense doesn't outweigh the negative.

I can't look him in the eye and tell him to fight through 29 days of pain to be able to have 1 day of happiness. I can't find any answers for myself that add up to anything either. All possibilities just lead to more suffering.

I appreciate your time. I really do. I don't expect anyone to solve my problems.

 

[moment_of_silens]

like I say you just have to have faith. You have to find something to look look forward to. There has to be something. There is always something for everyone. Another reason why I say find something that you enjoy doing and go after that.