I'm not quite sure where this is going to go, so let's hope I don't ramble on too much. I go to a dance class once a week. This week I was particularly nervous, as I have cuts up and down all my arms. Dancing gets HOT, so choosing an outfit carefully so as to keep my arms covered while not being too conspicuous about it caused major dilemma's this morning. I've been conscious of it every since I put them there, but they're easy enough to hide at home and at work - it's not too unusual to have long sleeves there, as it's cold. Tonight, there was a girl who had some quite deep scarring on her arms. Whether I am just seeing things that aren't really there or not, the first thing I thought was that they were SI scars, and it intrigued me. I don't know her, didn't ask, and didn't stare, and tried to talk myself into thinking they were something else - perhaps she was in a car accident or something that could also produce scars like that. But it heightened my awareness of my own arms. Then the weirdest thing happened - my friend who I go to the class with said something after class. This is a guy who I had a crush on for awhile, but when I realised he mostly just talks about himself I relegated him to friend zone, as I need a lot of reassurance and question asking sometimes to make me feel like people actually care. He doesn't know about my cutting or how bad the depression is - although he knows I can get into sad moods sometimes. So after class, he says to me as he walks me to the bus stop - "there's a girl in the class who either likes to scratch at herself or used to harm herself" and called himself observant. This floored me. And a number of thoughts went through my head - did he see my cuts? Was this a way for me to open up and talk to him? Has he cut or known someone who has for him to think that was the cause of her cuts? Am I invisible - why could he see her pain but not mine? How weird was it that we both had that same thought? We don't have the type of relationship that I can easily open up to him about that kind of stuff. Whenever he sees me in a sad mood, he tells me to cheer up, it's not that bad. I know that some people can't help but say something like that as they don't know what else to say, but it usually means that whatever I'm feeling I feel is invalidated - oh just cheer up, it'll pass. So I've never really opened up to him about anything that matters to me, which is why I wasn't sure whether it was a way for him to tell me he'd seen my cuts, or whether he just saw them and recognises the signs from somewhere. I have been telling a few more people about my SH - but they are people I know and absolutely trust, and it's only a very few, those who I can trust not to brush it off or alternatively make too big a deal of it. Interestingly, I speak more of my suicidal thoughts than any SH thoughts I have. But.. what if? I want to avoid my class now at all costs until they fade some more. They are not fading as fast as I thought they might, and I've freaked myself out that perhaps this time I've done some real permanent scarring damage, instead of the little shallow cuts I would normally make and go away in a week or two. I don't know how to handle it if someone sees them - the two people at my workplace I've told about my suicidal thoughts (both slightly involuntarily) then get all panicky about that, I'm afraid of what they'd do if they saw real actual harm on myself (given that I have told them I'm not acting on any suicidal thoughts). Don't get me wrong, I'm touched that they care and are worried about me. But the guilt I feel for making them worried eats me alive. I was late this morning because I slept through my alarm after telling my manager on Friday I was suicidal, so she freaked out when I wasn't there on time. Anyway, I think I may have taken up too much of your time (if you're reading this), the round and round in my head is doing me in!