A ghost from the past

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Mystic, Feb 25, 2010.

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  1. Mystic

    Mystic Well-Known Member

    I am struggling with more problems than I know what to do with. I am slowly drowning in them and feel I cannot cope with anything.

    But just when I think things couldn't get any worse...

    A letter arrived for me. A letter from my abusive cruel father.
    He is (or says) he wants me to contact him. He says he is dying.

    He says he thinks about me and wants to know me.

    This is going to sound really hard here - but I don't care. The only contact I have had with him is one solitary letter 23 years ago. Other than that, I have had no contact for 31 years - and that was by his choice.

    He wants me to call him and speak to him. Personally and emotionally, I want nothing to do with him. He is a stranger (by his own making) who left me when I just left school. Presumably because he was tired of hitting and spitting at me and my mother. He left debts I had to pay for and emotional scars on both me and my mother (who died exactly a year ago).

    I feel like he should die alone and without me. Am I wrong feeling like this?
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    No, you're not wrong. It's okay to feel the way you do!!
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I don't believe it's wrong to feel that way...you have not known this man for so many years ..you can't just pick up where he left off...
    you have to do what you feel is right for you....
    only you can decide....
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have to take care of you and not worry abt him. He did not worry abt you all these years. You are certainly not wrong for feeling the way you do and you need to protect yourself from being hurt again. Your right he is a complete stranger let him do the work necessary to heal whatever he caused You take care of you okay stay safe.
  5. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    You do not owe him anything.

    Just take care of yourself, and do what is best for you. I have a father that is similar, and he no longer deserves my time, respect or love.

    take care, i know its hard.
  6. Mystic

    Mystic Well-Known Member

    I would like to thank everyone for their replies.

    The history between me and my father is not a pleasant one. I have destroyed the letter along with his phone number he so urgently wanted to call. "To treasure what little time he has left".

    In some respects, I should feel utter pure hatred for the things he did to me and that made me the way I am. It was because of him I tried to kill myself when I was 15. When I was 14, I dislocated my hip and he kept me away from doctors because I "was faking it and trying to get off school". It wasn't until my mother took me to the doctors and then hospital did he realised what he done (6 weeks after I done it). Imagine being forced to run in school with a 30 degree dislocated hip. It caused long term damage to my joints and soon it will turn me into a cripple. All because of him.

    But to be honest, I feel just empty coldness. It means nothing if he lives or dies. Sure, when this thing arrived, it did stir some reaction from me, but now I have had time to think, I feel exactly the same before I got this letter. Nothing.
  7. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    This one is tearing me apart, i don't know what to say.I guess deep down, its tearing you apart too.

    I guess your father is suffering too. I know what its like to be abused by your parents, and i know sometimes, its just impossible to forgive. But at least, maybe this is his way of saying he's sorry. I never had that luxury. Yet, i still told them i loved them, but got nothing but hate and abuse in return. They've both gone now, and i still love and hate them.I love them because thats the sort of person i am, and they were my parents, and i so wanted to be loved in return.I will never have the strength to forgive them, though. Thats my failure as a person.

    Only you can decide, ultimately, but mabe you should retrieve the letter, otherwise you will never know, what might have been.This is the person that created you, and maybe you will get some sort of peace, hearing what he has to say. Maybe you will have the luxury of an aplology. You can always walk away, if its not what you want to hear.

    yorkie xx
  8. Mystic

    Mystic Well-Known Member

    Despite the drunkeness, the violence, the lies and humiliation both me and my mother endured, there was still a tiny, tiny piece of me which was willing to keep some level of contact with him.

    Forgiveness is something he will never have from me, the memories - and the physical pain I now suffer - are far too strong. But I was willing to let him have a very small piece of my life. I would let him know what I was doing, maybe send a photo, even go as far as to meet up one evening for a chat somewhere neutral. i.e,. pub.

    All he had to do was write and show how interested he was in me, how concerned he was, a tiny, tiny piece of interest. Maybe even a word of regret. Maybe in a Christmas card (which i have never had from him), or a birthday card (again, nothing). Just a few lines...and a bit of genuine sincerity. I don't think that is an unreasonable price to pay for someone who says "I am always in their thoughts". Some people would say its a bargain.

    Now in desperate times, he wants to see me. So what kind of person that only only beats their son, destroys thier childhood, destroys thier education and even tries to destroy their first job having just left school? (THATs another story!!), then walked out (presumably because I was getting too big to hit/abuse) and then only writes (I had no means of contacting him BTW) once in 32 years? That alone tells me I don't exactly come to the forefront of his thoughts. I'm surprised he even remembered how to spell my name.
  9. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    i kind of have been in a similar situation. last time i have seen my father was about 10 years ago and that was only for about 5 minutes which i didnt even want to at the time, he just came to the company where i was working at that time. he never supported us in any way after the divorce of my mother and he quikly emigrated to poland (we lived in holland) to make sure nobody can force him to pay childsupport. i also have no wish to see my father and i think if you do support your fathers wish and dont feel the need to see him it is a bad thing to pretend that you care. you are better of not seeing him. it is not your fault you are not ready for this, he had his chance many years ago
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2010
  10. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    personally all i can say is this...my parents and i were astranged for about twelve years or so..so not as long as you have...but no matter what they did (it was 98% my mother) i always loved them...i hated how they treated me but i always loved them...and they even adopted me when i was ten weeks old...but after all those years had passed i had got to thinking...my parents are getting up there in age now...i wondered how they were doing...so i looked them up and gave them a call...when i did i learned that my mom was suffering from lung cancer...it was just me but i wanted to make amends with them..so i traveled 1600 miles to go see them...my mom was once again critical of me but my dad has always just been so loving...anyways, though it didn't go completely as i wanted it to i was glad i went...my mom passed away last july and now my dad and i talk every sunday..i miss my mom and at the same time sadly i'm glad she's gone...but either way i'm glad i made amends with them...it was no easy task to forgive (mainly my mother) but i had to because i know that resentment has a terrible toll on the body, heart and mind and it's just the right thing to do....

    i guess all that being said is meant to express maybe he's trying to make the opportunity to make these amends, and due to your past maybe is just letting you take it as you feel you need to...he may not be crazy about it if it doesn't happen but he will come to accept it...but i ask can you spend the rest of your days living in resentment? it doesn't mean you have to like or approve of the way he was at all...you definately saw things differently and that's ok...but difference is what makes us all unique
  11. Mystic

    Mystic Well-Known Member

    I'm in a right mess.

    I havn't slept for three days over this. Not one shread of remorse or guilt, but with a overwhemling sense of anger and betrayal. These are emotions of how I felt many years ago..and now they are with me stronger than ever.

    I just want to hurt him and keep hurting him.

    How dare he make me feel like this!!!!
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