So I'm a girl, though only very loosely. If I could have picked my gender, I would be neither. While I feel closer to agender, I'm okay with female pronouns or gender neutral ones. I'm in high school, and I suffer from depression and anxiety. Last night I wanted to kill myself, but the Internet persuaded me to wait at least 24 hours. The police gun in my father's room seemed like a good way out, but I promised myself that I would wait. I've come to the conclusion that no, I don't want to die. I merely want to be happy. However, I identify as pan romantic asexual. No one I know in real life knows this. I recently was talking to my mom about my friends at church, and halfway through the conversation, I realized, Oh crap. I have a crush on this girl. I'll call her K for anonymity's sake. We've know each other for several years, and she is absolutely beautiful. K is also intelligent, silly, funny, kind, and I believe myself to be in love with her. However, our church is seriously homophobic, and the members, including my parents, believe that they can "pray away the gay." Of course this isn't true. I tried. I cried and had long conversations with God and begged him to make me good. The only conclusions I can arrive at are that A) God isn't real - this one is a no because I honestly can't see the point in anything if there isn't something greater out there. B) God is mean. - This one is a no because of the same reason. C) It's okay to be a girl in love with a girl. - This is the conclusion I prefer. However, my father uses animal noises to reference homosexuality, and my mother is also homophobic. Everyone at my private school is against gay marriage. It's actually against the code of conduct to be gay - filed under "sexual immorality." So, being an asexual, I can't see how I could be guilty of sexual immorality if I'm not having sex. However, if I dated a girl and people knew, I would be sent to detention, suspended, or expelled. The other problem I have is that I assume K is heterosexual. She never said anything to hint otherwise, and while she may be closeted like me, how would I know? I want to tell her. I want to live in a world where I can ask her if she'd like to go on a date and not be so paralyzed by fear of the bigots who would so hate me. I want to live in a world where K and I date throughout high school, grow up and get married after college, and then adopt some cats and maybe a child. But I don't, and I am depressed immensely by this.