Hi there,
I do not feel I have the guts to call any help at the moment and fear I do something to provoke worse what has happened to me already.
I suffer badly from bi-polar disorder and I guess I had been at the end of a slightly manic phase on Saturday this past week. I am a 37 year old male BTW of professional background (ex-model when younger).
I had plucked up the courage to go out alone in Wakefield West Yorkshire UK, for the first time in several years and whilst at the second bar I visited (which I used to go to weekly when young). I was suddenly knocked off my my stool as a group of drunken (as I am told) rugby players/team came in. I made comments to them - i.e. 'what the hell was that for' - and promptly got set upon and kicked and punched by at least 6 individuals.
I (and I emphasise the "I" ) called the police and told them I'd been assaulted after 2 minutes of which the police arrive, nearly break my wrist and take me into custody for at first abuse and aggression later changed to drunk and disorderly. I was neither.
I suffer from severe claustrophobia and was hit and put in a cell, where I was kept for six hours before I could even speak to a lawyer (over the phone in the custody area) who I could hardly hear.
I am also asthmatic and was denied medication for over 9 hours after which the medical surgeon forced them to take me for an x-ray on my wrist and give me asthma drugs - which they did with abuse all along. By this point in time I was quite distraught and suffereing from psychosis.
I tried to injure my self in my cell by headbutting/hitting and screaming against the metal door to no response.
I am a half asian half white male (white looking), once very successful, fit, martial expert.......... and had to suffer the indignity of being called a stupid 'paki' when arrested and again while in custody.
On Tuesday this all got too much for me and I severed my right arm arteries and made many deep lacerations to my left arm, for which I have many stitches now (and one transfusions).
Here is the thing - I cannot get over my anger/humiliation/self hate now no matter how much drugs (valium, thorazineetc) they are giving me. I just basically want to die.
My problems is my parents whom I have lived with for a while due to illness. They have begged me not to do anything more, but I cannot go on just for them now, I really cannot. I hate this world with a vengeance.
I have taken near fatal overdoses before and had a failed hanging event, but this time, this Tuesday I felt so at peace when I held a blade to my throat.
I know where to cut my jugular, and carotids and cannot take my mind away from doing this now.
I do not know why I have written this?
I have the blades and will hopefully have the courage to do it tonight, but fear what my mother will find (she is 66 now) - I have the courage to do it - for that there is no doubt, hurting my parents is another thing. However I guess death is death at the end of the day.
I cannot tell you how much I hate the west yorkshire police who once CS gassed me when I had taken over 80 Trazedone, 80 oxcarmazepine, and 100 hydroxyzine, because I wouldn't go in an ambulance.
Another time when I had cut my radial arteries on both wrists, they took me to hospital with two feet on my neck, saying "you better hope we don't get aids from your blood - and we'll not even let you die with dignity you pak** I remember one officer saying 'let's just pull over and let him bleed out' 'too much paperwork the other replied.
I am so tired so fed up with life. I had been doing so well for the last year and then this.
I am a Christian and suicides go to hell - I am sorry but I've been there for over six years.
I am sorry for this rambling story.
I cannot leave a hand written note.
Bye
I do not feel I have the guts to call any help at the moment and fear I do something to provoke worse what has happened to me already.
I suffer badly from bi-polar disorder and I guess I had been at the end of a slightly manic phase on Saturday this past week. I am a 37 year old male BTW of professional background (ex-model when younger).
I had plucked up the courage to go out alone in Wakefield West Yorkshire UK, for the first time in several years and whilst at the second bar I visited (which I used to go to weekly when young). I was suddenly knocked off my my stool as a group of drunken (as I am told) rugby players/team came in. I made comments to them - i.e. 'what the hell was that for' - and promptly got set upon and kicked and punched by at least 6 individuals.
I (and I emphasise the "I" ) called the police and told them I'd been assaulted after 2 minutes of which the police arrive, nearly break my wrist and take me into custody for at first abuse and aggression later changed to drunk and disorderly. I was neither.
I suffer from severe claustrophobia and was hit and put in a cell, where I was kept for six hours before I could even speak to a lawyer (over the phone in the custody area) who I could hardly hear.
I am also asthmatic and was denied medication for over 9 hours after which the medical surgeon forced them to take me for an x-ray on my wrist and give me asthma drugs - which they did with abuse all along. By this point in time I was quite distraught and suffereing from psychosis.
I tried to injure my self in my cell by headbutting/hitting and screaming against the metal door to no response.
I am a half asian half white male (white looking), once very successful, fit, martial expert.......... and had to suffer the indignity of being called a stupid 'paki' when arrested and again while in custody.
On Tuesday this all got too much for me and I severed my right arm arteries and made many deep lacerations to my left arm, for which I have many stitches now (and one transfusions).
Here is the thing - I cannot get over my anger/humiliation/self hate now no matter how much drugs (valium, thorazineetc) they are giving me. I just basically want to die.
My problems is my parents whom I have lived with for a while due to illness. They have begged me not to do anything more, but I cannot go on just for them now, I really cannot. I hate this world with a vengeance.
I have taken near fatal overdoses before and had a failed hanging event, but this time, this Tuesday I felt so at peace when I held a blade to my throat.
I know where to cut my jugular, and carotids and cannot take my mind away from doing this now.
I do not know why I have written this?
I have the blades and will hopefully have the courage to do it tonight, but fear what my mother will find (she is 66 now) - I have the courage to do it - for that there is no doubt, hurting my parents is another thing. However I guess death is death at the end of the day.
I cannot tell you how much I hate the west yorkshire police who once CS gassed me when I had taken over 80 Trazedone, 80 oxcarmazepine, and 100 hydroxyzine, because I wouldn't go in an ambulance.
Another time when I had cut my radial arteries on both wrists, they took me to hospital with two feet on my neck, saying "you better hope we don't get aids from your blood - and we'll not even let you die with dignity you pak** I remember one officer saying 'let's just pull over and let him bleed out' 'too much paperwork the other replied.
I am so tired so fed up with life. I had been doing so well for the last year and then this.
I am a Christian and suicides go to hell - I am sorry but I've been there for over six years.
I am sorry for this rambling story.
I cannot leave a hand written note.
Bye
