A goodbye ltter from the UK

Hi there,

I do not feel I have the guts to call any help at the moment and fear I do something to provoke worse what has happened to me already.

I suffer badly from bi-polar disorder and I guess I had been at the end of a slightly manic phase on Saturday this past week. I am a 37 year old male BTW of professional background (ex-model when younger).

I had plucked up the courage to go out alone in Wakefield West Yorkshire UK, for the first time in several years and whilst at the second bar I visited (which I used to go to weekly when young). I was suddenly knocked off my my stool as a group of drunken (as I am told) rugby players/team came in. I made comments to them - i.e. 'what the hell was that for' - and promptly got set upon and kicked and punched by at least 6 individuals.

I (and I emphasise the "I" ) called the police and told them I'd been assaulted after 2 minutes of which the police arrive, nearly break my wrist and take me into custody for at first abuse and aggression later changed to drunk and disorderly. I was neither.

I suffer from severe claustrophobia and was hit and put in a cell, where I was kept for six hours before I could even speak to a lawyer (over the phone in the custody area) who I could hardly hear.

I am also asthmatic and was denied medication for over 9 hours after which the medical surgeon forced them to take me for an x-ray on my wrist and give me asthma drugs - which they did with abuse all along. By this point in time I was quite distraught and suffereing from psychosis.

I tried to injure my self in my cell by headbutting/hitting and screaming against the metal door to no response.

I am a half asian half white male (white looking), once very successful, fit, martial expert.......... and had to suffer the indignity of being called a stupid 'paki' when arrested and again while in custody.

On Tuesday this all got too much for me and I severed my right arm arteries and made many deep lacerations to my left arm, for which I have many stitches now (and one transfusions).

Here is the thing - I cannot get over my anger/humiliation/self hate now no matter how much drugs (valium, thorazineetc) they are giving me. I just basically want to die.

My problems is my parents whom I have lived with for a while due to illness. They have begged me not to do anything more, but I cannot go on just for them now, I really cannot. I hate this world with a vengeance.

I have taken near fatal overdoses before and had a failed hanging event, but this time, this Tuesday I felt so at peace when I held a blade to my throat.

I know where to cut my jugular, and carotids and cannot take my mind away from doing this now.

I do not know why I have written this?

I have the blades and will hopefully have the courage to do it tonight, but fear what my mother will find (she is 66 now) - I have the courage to do it - for that there is no doubt, hurting my parents is another thing. However I guess death is death at the end of the day.

I cannot tell you how much I hate the west yorkshire police who once CS gassed me when I had taken over 80 Trazedone, 80 oxcarmazepine, and 100 hydroxyzine, because I wouldn't go in an ambulance.

Another time when I had cut my radial arteries on both wrists, they took me to hospital with two feet on my neck, saying "you better hope we don't get aids from your blood - and we'll not even let you die with dignity you pak** I remember one officer saying 'let's just pull over and let him bleed out' 'too much paperwork the other replied.


I am so tired so fed up with life. I had been doing so well for the last year and then this.

I am a Christian and suicides go to hell - I am sorry but I've been there for over six years.

I am sorry for this rambling story.

I cannot leave a hand written note.


Bye

 

:hug: please dont do anything rash :hug:
I feel like I'm hanging by a thread myself at the moment, so really can relate to what you are saying.
God knows I feel I could just step straight under a bus and like you fear that I will be damned for all time, but there's also all the pain and grief I will cause to consider.
I'm not saying I wont do it, just have to pause and think of others.
Maybe we can pause together? :hug: My pm is always open.

 

Thanks for the eply, but I just cannot get over that feeling of peace and I mean real inner peace when, I last tried.

Unfortunately my father is a very senior doctor in England and they ignored all of my my DNR requests.
After which I have been to counselling after counselling/psychiatrists/crisis teams/inpatient treatments in private clinics and TBH it it takes nothing away.

My father even went to the lenghts of 'hiring' a stunning girl to be my personal trainer AND eventually girlfriend. I felt so digusted. As if I ever needed that kind of help when I was well.

Don't do the bus thing I beg you.....an ex university girlfriend did the same and she ended up a paraplegic neck down.

I have realised there are only two sure ways, guns and razors.

I have served Bosnia and Kosovo as part of the british territorial army and I have realised even though there are a thousand ways to die .... injury is the usual result as I have found out.

I wish you luck.

Me I think I am decided.

 

Please think again, maybe together we can weather this terrible feeling of futility :hug:

 

Sadistic bastard cops -- one day they'll get what they deserve.

 

im sorry to hear about what happened to you. you sound like someone whos only good intended, it sounds like it was the cops to blame. im having a very tough time myself right now, and it sounds so tempting to me, but im thinking of holding on because i want to be with someone a little bit longer.they had no righ tto do that to you..>_< i hope things get better for you, i really do..

 

justhadenough, i am maby a step ahead of you right now. and i can't undo what i have started but i willtell you this, it is not hte peace you think it wil be. please reconsider .

 

Typo?

@OP: wow, bloody paramedics.. "Too much paperwork.." assholes..
Sorry, I'm not helping am i?

anyhow, get someone to be there with you. Don't keep it inside.

 

I come from the north of UK too and i want to say that you are totally and utterly justified in your anger at the police, this is nothing short of downright disgusting, i am appalled that this has happened to you!! You did not deserve any of this, and each one of them deserves to be sacked immediately.
I know you are going through blackness right now, and my God if i could say something to pull you out of it i would - but more than that i want you to have justice! This sort of incidence should be reported it is physical and racial abuse. There are proceedings that can be undertaking to investigate abuse like this and if you can i would definately start them. Instead of taking the anger out on yourself i would focus it on getting rid of such digusting 'so-called' policemen. I for one do not want them walking the streets of Wakefield or anywhere else for that matter!!!
Bipolar is an illness, it hits you hard so that you feel like nothing and it is difficult to keep things together but you are still a successful person because you have kept going through all of this. I can understand that you are so frustrated that you want to give up but i pray that your faith not only frightens you into not committing suicide but also offers you a way of lightening your burden.
I wish there was more i could say, sometimes words are so pitiful.
I care!!!

 

i think it's a pretty shit world we live in, you can't rely on the police when they're the ones who are meant to protect you, and alot of bad people outside who just want to hurt you and cause pain for their own pleasure and i hate to go outside