A growing concern

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ListlessMutt, Apr 20, 2013.

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  1. ListlessMutt

    ListlessMutt New Member

    I've entertained suicidal thoughts for a long time. However, I was never really concerned that I'd actually go through with it. I've always had this perceived "noble attitude," that I couldn't be selfish enough to do that to my family and friends. Along with that I was also afraid of dying by my own hand, not so much the dying part. I guess I figured that I would never be able to make the leap so to say. What concerns me now is that the fear is fading. Sometimes when I entertain the thought of <edit mod total eclipse method>. just thinking about it gives me a sense of calm, and almost a happy feeling. Other times I daydream about creative ways to kill myself painlessly, and sometimes I fantasize about a blaze of glory. If only I had a worthy target to direct such fantasies... These dreamings also give me that sense of calm. If I'm overly anxious or depressed those thoughts give me respite. I don't want to die, but sometimes I just really don't want to live. I don't hate my life, but I find myself very tired of it at times. To those that say life's a "gift," well, that's your assumption. Gift... it implies someone gave it. Well, if you're talking about God, I'm sorry, I just don't believe. If you're talking about my mother, I was an accident (not something I'm upset about), and gift giving is an intentional endeavor. Even if there is a God, who's to say he's nice? Maybe he's real, but for some he doesn't give life as a gift, but he gives them life so he can have some ants to burn under a magnifying glass. To those who would try and tell me "you have so much to live for." Really? Whether I die today or sixty years from now the end result is the same. All of life's apparent "joys" are meaningless in the end. If I begin reading a book and I find it terribly boring, or even painful to read, should I have to continue reading it to the end just because I started it? Why can't I just close the book forever and be done with it? Anyways, I guess I'm just concerned that suicide is becoming a real possibility in my future.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You will never know the ending of the story if you close the book Who is to say the ending is not more enjoyable then the beginning. You just do not know you have no way of knowing what the future will bring you. It sound to me depression is getting worse and if left untreated you will get yourself into a deeper darker hole hun. Talk to your doctor and get some help for you. We are all here and it is up to us what we do with the life given to us But i do understand when one is so dam depressed one can only see darkness and no joy I do hope you continue to reach our here for support and in rl too ok
     
  3. ListlessMutt

    ListlessMutt New Member

    It didn't post my reply last time I guess... Anyways, I've been to a psych. The only one I can go to that I wouldn't have to pay hundreds of dollars to see is the one they assigned me to at the veterans affairs hospital. They put me on a bupropion. It helps with the depression, but sometimes intensifies my anxiety. The psych won't prescribe anything to handle a real anxiety attack. Only preventative stuff. I'm also very forgetful, so I'm not consistent with my meds at all. To be honest sometimes even when I do remember I just kind of say "meh."
     
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