I've entertained suicidal thoughts for a long time. However, I was never really concerned that I'd actually go through with it. I've always had this perceived "noble attitude," that I couldn't be selfish enough to do that to my family and friends. Along with that I was also afraid of dying by my own hand, not so much the dying part. I guess I figured that I would never be able to make the leap so to say. What concerns me now is that the fear is fading. Sometimes when I entertain the thought of <edit mod total eclipse method>. just thinking about it gives me a sense of calm, and almost a happy feeling. Other times I daydream about creative ways to kill myself painlessly, and sometimes I fantasize about a blaze of glory. If only I had a worthy target to direct such fantasies... These dreamings also give me that sense of calm. If I'm overly anxious or depressed those thoughts give me respite. I don't want to die, but sometimes I just really don't want to live. I don't hate my life, but I find myself very tired of it at times. To those that say life's a "gift," well, that's your assumption. Gift... it implies someone gave it. Well, if you're talking about God, I'm sorry, I just don't believe. If you're talking about my mother, I was an accident (not something I'm upset about), and gift giving is an intentional endeavor. Even if there is a God, who's to say he's nice? Maybe he's real, but for some he doesn't give life as a gift, but he gives them life so he can have some ants to burn under a magnifying glass. To those who would try and tell me "you have so much to live for." Really? Whether I die today or sixty years from now the end result is the same. All of life's apparent "joys" are meaningless in the end. If I begin reading a book and I find it terribly boring, or even painful to read, should I have to continue reading it to the end just because I started it? Why can't I just close the book forever and be done with it? Anyways, I guess I'm just concerned that suicide is becoming a real possibility in my future.