A heartbreak which is killing me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Yan12, Aug 31, 2015.

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  1. Yan12

    Yan12 Member

    For my trainingI had to undergo placement in hospital. There I met a guy. He was just like my dream boy physically and also he seemed to have a kind heart. But his colleagues told me that he is not a nice person. .He only used woman and when he's done he throws them away. He told me that he had like over 20 affairs but now he's changed because of me. He said he loves me and will marry me. I believe him. He told me he had a painful childhood and slowly I fell in love with him. I never loved someone like I loved him. He used to push me away then he will come back and show me he cares.Then my training was over. Eveytime I used to call him he got angry..sometimes heignored my messages..He used to tell me he will never love me like he loved his ex. Still I remained with him so much I loved him. Then one day he sent me a message telling me it's over. That day it was like my life was over. He told me to go kill myself if I can't live without him. I was shattered..devastated. .then I got to know he has always been cheating on me..He never loved me. Still my heart said he's the one and that I should fight for this love. Myheart says he will change. He distanced himself completely from me..I missed him so much and I was desperate just to receive a single message from him. I was not in my mental state and u was going through adepression. Crying all night. .Not eating well. Then I decided to create a fake account on Facebook just to be his friend. He accepted the friend request ans started to chat with me. It immediately clicked.Then he told me that he loved me ( the girl he thought he was chatting with) we chatted only for 2 weeks and I couldn't lie to him any longer and told him who I am. He was angry..said I played with him..at that time I was so desperate that I made that big mistake. He tarnished my reputation saying i'm a monster..A very bad person..
    Am I really a monster?
    I feel so guilty
    I feel like killing myself
    I know only death can take that pain away
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi hun, I know we are spoken at length about this earlier. You don't need to beat yourself up or feel humiliated. What you did was nothing compared to what he was about to do to you. It might be hard now but it gets easy from here on end. You will meet someone else, someone who won't act like such a plonker. While you're ahead stay out of this toxic relationship. ((hugs)) Here for you anytime.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 1, 2015
  3. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    You will feel better with time. I know it's hard for you to imagine now but you will forget him slowly. I'm sure once you are ready you will meet some nice and real.

    :hugs:
     
  4. Yan12

    Yan12 Member

    Thanks a lot dear friends for listening and for helping me .it means a lot to me
     
  5. RainThunder

    RainThunder Member

    I don't think you are a monster. I think you are really clever for doing that. All that stuff he did is toxic. I think you should let yourself off the hook but also I would stay away from him.
     
  6. Yan12

    Yan12 Member

    Thank you..but I really feel guilty about that fake account stuff..It's something I wouldn't have done if I wasn't that desperate. I feel such like a weak person who is unable to get over a breakup
     
  7. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    You fell into his trap. He had not changed. He used you like he has always used people. We all can fall into traps like this. Then we do anything to keep a lousy relationship going. You are not bad or a monster. You are human and got caught in his snare. I hope you can forget him soon and forgive yourself. Although you really have nothing to forgive yourself for.
     
  8. Yan12

    Yan12 Member

    Thank you dear :)
     
  9. rainbow55

    rainbow55 Member

    ha! I know it maybe won't feel like it now but I hope when the pain and blindness that emotions of love bring fade you will laugh and be pleased of what you did. looking back you will see that he was the monster and how dare he be angry at your trickery when he has tricked lots of women with his falseness. you gave him a taste of his own medicine ... although unintentionally... and for that I think you deserve a pat on the back! don't you dare be ashamed! I don't know how old you are but I am 36 and have learned that there is no reason or logic where feelings of love are concerned. they consume us and if given to the undeserving cause us immense pain. my biggest regrets are how foolish love has made me. but time does indeed make it better and you will see that nothing you ever did was wrong.
     
  10. Yan12

    Yan12 Member

    I am 25..quite unexperienced when it concerns love stories. I spent my adolescence concentrating on my studies because my parents struggled very hard for me. I've always believed in great love stories but I think that was my biggest mistake.
    Thank you very much for your reply :)
     
  11. rainbow55

    rainbow55 Member

    oh believe me ... I settled down at age 19 with a man despite never really having a proper boyfriend before then and we was together 12 years. I lived a very safe life, working hard, not believing in spending beyond ones meams so saving rather than getting into debt etc. when we broke up I was 31 and very very naƬve and innocent to relationships. I fell in love with a gay man who on a lot of levels was good to me but also very confusing and difficult because of the strength of feelings having nowhere positive to go. he was also quite controlling and looking back I can see how unhealthy our friendship/relationship was. The next man I fell in love with has got me into financial difficulties and makes my life misery. love made me blind and now I want him to leave he won't but that's a whole other story. I wish so much that love didn't make us so heartsick! but that's not really right to blame love or feelings of love. it's the men (and women) who abuse it that make it hurt. I wish there was a quick way of curing it when it goes wrong but I haven't found it yet. other than being angry at the person. that helps banish the love! the hurt takes a bit longer though *hugs* just please do not wish harm to yourself over him or any man who treats you wrong! they are NOT worth you suffering!
     
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    He is not good enough for a person like you. You deserve better and to be treated with respect and dignity. I believed in those love stories too, damn how wrong was I. If you need to talk feel free to say all you need to :)
     
  13. Yan12

    Yan12 Member

    Thanks rainbow. We all have our own battle unfortunately. Thank you for helping me
     
  14. Yan12

    Yan12 Member

    Hey Lynn thanks for your reply and for these words. Everyday I hope to get better.
     
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are welcome pet and if you need to talk feel free to message me on the forum :)
     
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