A Hello

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Hime, Jan 10, 2016.

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  1. Hime

    Hime New Member

    I guess, hello everyone. I'm new here obviously...can't believe I actually registered but it's for the best, right? Hopefully. I'm going to try not to trigger people, but if I do please help me out so I don't continue.

    So to begin, I haven't exactly had it great. My parents got divorced when I was 5 and it was such an abusive household. Just...bad, let's put it like that. Add that onto bullying throughout my entire school life and you can probably figure out how the depression started.

    Freshman year of high school, I realized I was transgender. Male to Female. I would wear women's clothing and accessories and whatnot, because that made me happy somewhat despite the depression. I was never into masculine things, I preferred the feminine things. Of course, I've kept my identity hidden for years because my stepfather is a Christian pastor, which of course, is anti-LGBT and convinced that depression isn't real. I'm still in the closet to probably 90% of the people I know. I'd love to get hormones but it's all just a time related thing with the stubborn Christian parents.

    Flash forward to college and it's been nothing but a struggle. Two failed relationships, one which lasted two years and carried over from high school. Ruined my entire freshmen year of college. So I took a year off to mope and finally moved to the other side of the country to try and continue my degree. Sadly, paying for this has been a nightmare because I've had to take almost all of it in loans since my parents absolutely refuse to help me, despite them being capable. And the stresses all keep adding on and on and on.

    And now here I am senior year of college finally. I've gotten therapy, I'm on medication and it always works when the dose goes up but then we come spiraling down. Psychiatrist won't change me though, says just keep going because it's probably something related to my kidneys or liver or something and we need higher doses. Who knows...

    I realize suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The problem is that for me, it seems like it's one thing after another after another. I don't want to lose my grip on this mentalitiy, but each day that goes by I feel like it's just getting worse and worse and my support net simply isn't working anymore.

    Phew, okay. That was a long post. Short version : I'm trans, can't do anything about it out of fear, but I'm too far in debt to do anything about it if I could because of school, and my current support net just isn't working anymore and the "thoughts" have come.

    edit : if any of this makes no sense, it's kinda very late. x.x so sorry
     
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi Hime, welcome to SF. Suicide is not the answer. You are strong. Keep talking, the chat button is in the bottom right hand corner. Take care and stay safe.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Well it is good you have support here then. Many people will understand your circumstance and perhaps just talking about it and not having to keep it all inside will help you be less depressed
     
  4. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hime, I am really glad that you realize suicide is not the answer and that you have support. Although you might want to consider getting another opinion. Maybe your current doctor is not open to gender changes. I do know a couple of people who have gone through the process of a gender change. It is a very long process. They want a person to be absolutely sure before they make the change. Have you ever researched the steps involved? It might make for interesting reading. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.
     
  5. Flaxney

    Flaxney Well-Known Member

    Hello, and welcome. Have you tried joining a local support group for LGBTQ individuals? Also, regarding feminine clothing, surely you are free to wear what you want now that you live on your own?
     
  6. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    I hope I am not out of line for saying this about about your psychiatrist, but it seems to me that if she does not want you to change your medication or do anything else to help you, then perhaps it is time you switch psychiatrists, since the one you one you are seeing now obviously does not pay much attention to your circumstances (which I assume you have been truthful in telling her about it all), so I do not see the point in going to always one who just refuses to help you even more, despite how much worse you are feeling lately. Especially if she says that she keeps upping your dosage, it is very dangerous and I do not think she doing her job professionally and could well lead you to develop serious health problems in the future, like liver and kidney problems, as you said yourself, so really, I would strongly suggest going to find another one, if only for a second option and see what they have to say.

    It is completely understandable that with each new day, you are finding it harder and harder to cope with what you are going through, but keep in mind that with each day that passes, no matter how you feel or what happens, you always wake up to a tomorrow, which tells something of your inner strength and desire to fight you demons and that warrants a job well done on your part, because even though at times you feel like everything is overwhelming, you are tapping into your inner strength that you do not realise that you have to keep yourself for one more day and that shows a lot for your character, to continue on in spite of everything in your life.

    You say you are fighting the urges at times to commit suicide, but that you have not gone through with it yet is a testament to just how strong you really are, in your mind and belief/faith that one day you can beat those thoughts, so even if you do not know it yourself consciously, you are subconsciously knowing that things could well get better for you in the future, whether tomorrow, next weekk, next month or the next few years.

    Keep on fighting - you might feel you are alone, given everything in your life you are up against, but know that everyone on SF is on your side and is supporting you, even if we are not able to in person.

    *hugs
     
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