A history of mental illness

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by freeddom, Jun 20, 2009.

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  1. freeddom

    freeddom New Member

    It will feel good to finally let this all out. I'm 18, on prozac & ativan for anxiety problems.

    My family has a history of mental problems. My mom and grandma all suffered from severe anxiety and depression problems. I used to have panic attacks, trouble breathing, severe anxiety... now it is not so bad. I am always anxious, but I don't really have the panic attacks. I've had issues with depression for as long as I can remember... It used to be about just being lonely, but towards the end of high school I had at least a decent amount of friends. Now it's for other reasons....

    I am gay. I have struggled with this all my life. Almost all of my friends are straight (and I am pretty much out to all of them). They have all had boyfriends, girlfriends... but me. I get so upset seeing them so happy with their boyfriends/girlfriends... I feel like the continual third wheel and that I never fit in with anybody. I never talk about this with any of them because they are all pretty well adjusted and I know that if I start letting it out how depressed I am that they won't want to be around me anymore. I know it sounds horrible, but who wants to hang out with someone who is depressed all the time? Because of that I feel like I have no genuine friendships, they are all fake, I always have to put up a front that I am having a good time while they're making out with their boyfriend when really it is killing me inside... You may be thinking, well then they are horrible friends and you need to find new ones. And I would probably agree, but they are all I have and it is so hard for me to make new friends. I'm afraid that I will sink further into depression if I were to just let the only people I have go... I wish I had gay friends to relate to, but unfortunately the ones that I know don't really like me for some reason and it seems like all they are interested in is sex anyway....

    I just feel so alone. Like this world was not meant for me. People don't understand how hard it is to be gay, to hear messages every single fucking day about how society does not accept you... And some claim it is a choice, I can't believe it. I wish they would walk one day in my shoes. The worst part is thinking that I will never have a family of my own, likely never even to get married. I am so scared that I will die alone with nobody, that I am the only son and my parents will never have blood grandchildren...

    So I am on prozac. 20mg/day, but it doesn't seem to be helping much anymore. Counselors don't help, the ones that I've been to don't know what it's like to be gay in this world... they can't relate, I am not really out to my family, not that they could help either. In fact the best advice I've gotten has been from older gay men that I've known (actually my bosses at work)...

    Lately I've been thinking suicide is just the only way out. Nobody cares or if they do (family) they don't understand... In fact the only reason I haven't done it is because it would hurt my family too much. But after years of feeling this way... I can't help but start to think that it's my life and I'm never happy, so...
    Thanks for listening.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to SF!

    It's nice to meet you. :shake:
  3. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    Welcome to the forum!
  4. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Welcome I hope you find the support you need and want here
  5. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF. You say that you THINK your friends won't want to hear about your issues. I think you should try and talk to a couple of the closest ones and if they do not, in fact, want to hear about it, then they were probably not as good a group of friends that you thought. I have a feeling that they will listen and give you some adivice as most friends would. Otherwise, maybe seek out some new friends in the gay community. You can start here, as there are many gay members.

    Also, there are many states in the process of accepting, or in the process of accepting gay civil unions or marriage. I hope that this trend continues. Although I am not gay I certainly support gay rights and marriage.

    I'm sorry that you also have to deal with the depression and anxiety issues and I hope you continue to try and find the right combination to help with that. Suicide is not the way out and there are many caring and insightful people here that you can talk to. Give it some time and you will be able to make some good contacts and/or friends here.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. While i admit I cannot relate personally to your issues about being gay, I do have friends and family members that are. I felt privileged when these friends opened up to me. As a friend I chose not to judge them. It did not change the person they were. Obviously I do not know your friends, but if they are true friends they will feel the same way i did. They may be a bit uncomfortable at first as they are unsure of where they fit in with you, but that quickly passes. We are in the midst of changing times. Don't give up. It may be during your lifetime these changes are finally realized. :hug:
  7. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    Welcome to SF Freeddom! :)
    Like you, my family also have a history of depression and suicide attempts. It's hard inheriting it, but it's also tough to cope with your family suffering. I like Shades advice, trying opening up to one or two of your closer friends, let them in a bit. Even if you don't decide to try that, be sure not to isolate yourself away from them. You'll regret it later. Hope you find the support you need here, my PM is always open if you want to chat. :hug:
  8. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF and i hope that you find what you need from the forums. Hope to see you around some more. Take care. :hug:
  9. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF.

    :hug: xx
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