My life is hopeless. I know people have it worse but its too much for me to bare. I was abused by my mother since I was born and did not escape her clutches untill I was 23. The abuse gave me many mental problems from hearing voices in my head to a genuine fear of being around people. This made me a outcast in school, I had maybe 2 friends my entire life and no one else cared for me. Every day since I can remember I have wanted to die. I finally escaped and lived with one of my friends family for a few months, but they got sick of me being in their space and kicked me out, they where going to send me to a christian homeless shelter for men but I was able to contact my grandparents and they where nice enough to let me stay. Now im working 2 jobs, every day, have a car, a license, a ged, and Im finally making enough where I might be able to survive on my own in the smallest apartment I can find. The voices in my head have stopped and I finally felt like maybe life will be okay. But god likes to keep reminding me that it wont be. He gives me things to make me happy just so he can take them away. I am extremely lonely and feel like my only purpose in life is to suffer for gods great plan. I try to get people to care for me but they never do, I always miss read signals and peoples actions and im unable to speak properly with anyone, I can't hold any conversations with anyone for longer then 5mins. I have horrible memory problems where I can't remember what people tell me and it takes me about a month for me to remember a persons name. It feels like im drowning in a river of shit and god lifts my head out of the river to catch my breath just so he can shove it back in as he watches as I slowly choke to death. I have panic attacks everyday where It feels like im suffocating and that their is no escape for me. I would kill myself If I could, I even started to cut myself trying to deal with the pain but I can never go the whole way no matter how much I want to die. I'm trapped in a life of misery until I can finally die and be set free but even when I do die, god will just send me to hell. I prayed and beged god to take back this life that he forces me to live but he refuses. I know for a fact that he exists, I have felt the holy spirit enter my body and have felt it in others, Their is a god unfortunately and let me tell you hes a asshole. He pretends to help you out of the hellish pit he put you in just so he can throw you back down the hole. He gives you hope because the hopeless don't feel the pain anymore they are dead inside and numb, if you have hope you can feel the pain and you suffer more when its takin from you. God is a cruel monster who pretends to be you savior. He damns you from birth to a life full of suffering then he damns you to hell for a afterlife full of suffering. He has no mercy.