I've been through some hard shit in this year. Since New Years Eve I've been feeling completely down and felt like something really bad was about to happen. And it did, several times.
My educational life, which was pretty much all that I had, has completely and absolutely collapsed, all the way down to the bottom. My grandmother passed away. After that, my life in the University has gone even worse. My dad had to declare bankrupcy and since his mother had just died, he lost it. My mom got depressed. My boyfriend got depressed too. My best friend's mom got cancer. Another friends' dads got sick as well. One person very close to me started considering suicide. My little cousin which is only 12 and who says she looks up to me was found cutting and writing about suicide.
And all of those people going through serious hardships come to me for venting and I can't help, not only because their problems are utterly unsolvable from the outside, but because my life is also fucked up.
I might lose everything I've been fighting for since I was a child because of how "down and out" my life in University has been - since my entire future is built up on my degree, that I was supposed to get in December this year (but will not get at least until August 2020, given the situation now), and my entire past was about the inhuman struggle to get where I am right now, except for the part where it went to shit.
I gave up everything to get this degree - my love life, my friends (I have got NO ONE left to help me, and the few I had are involved in what I just said before), my peace of mind, my physical health, my mental health, my youth experiences (I haven't really 'lived', not at all). And all that 'cause I came from a poor family and was told that my sole and dearest objective should be to study my butt off until I had an amazing degree from a great university just so I could have a high paying job and not only have stability, but take my family out of the dump they used to live in. I sacrificed a lot and achieved a lot, also. But it wasn't good enough, because of the facts that I study in a public University and that some professors left in the middle of an ongoing semester (which was supposed to be my second last), which made me lose all of my work; and I can not complain to a soul about it, because everyhing is free and I don't have much rights (I'm brazilian so things run different on public universities around here).
I have gone completely crazy. I lost control completely. I can no longer control ANY of my emotions: I lash out at everything and everyone, cry and sob because of every little thing around me, and feel like I wasn't supposed to be alive ALL of the time.
It's like I'm an intruder and the universe is kicking me out by driving me crazy, I don't know. I'm just completely losing it and I have no one to talk to. No one. And everthing is just killing me, inside out.
My educational life, which was pretty much all that I had, has completely and absolutely collapsed, all the way down to the bottom. My grandmother passed away. After that, my life in the University has gone even worse. My dad had to declare bankrupcy and since his mother had just died, he lost it. My mom got depressed. My boyfriend got depressed too. My best friend's mom got cancer. Another friends' dads got sick as well. One person very close to me started considering suicide. My little cousin which is only 12 and who says she looks up to me was found cutting and writing about suicide.
And all of those people going through serious hardships come to me for venting and I can't help, not only because their problems are utterly unsolvable from the outside, but because my life is also fucked up.
I might lose everything I've been fighting for since I was a child because of how "down and out" my life in University has been - since my entire future is built up on my degree, that I was supposed to get in December this year (but will not get at least until August 2020, given the situation now), and my entire past was about the inhuman struggle to get where I am right now, except for the part where it went to shit.
I gave up everything to get this degree - my love life, my friends (I have got NO ONE left to help me, and the few I had are involved in what I just said before), my peace of mind, my physical health, my mental health, my youth experiences (I haven't really 'lived', not at all). And all that 'cause I came from a poor family and was told that my sole and dearest objective should be to study my butt off until I had an amazing degree from a great university just so I could have a high paying job and not only have stability, but take my family out of the dump they used to live in. I sacrificed a lot and achieved a lot, also. But it wasn't good enough, because of the facts that I study in a public University and that some professors left in the middle of an ongoing semester (which was supposed to be my second last), which made me lose all of my work; and I can not complain to a soul about it, because everyhing is free and I don't have much rights (I'm brazilian so things run different on public universities around here).
I have gone completely crazy. I lost control completely. I can no longer control ANY of my emotions: I lash out at everything and everyone, cry and sob because of every little thing around me, and feel like I wasn't supposed to be alive ALL of the time.
It's like I'm an intruder and the universe is kicking me out by driving me crazy, I don't know. I'm just completely losing it and I have no one to talk to. No one. And everthing is just killing me, inside out.
