A Husk

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by evan d, May 15, 2007.

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  1. evan d

    evan d Member

    I dont know if this is a "ZOMGHEZGUNADO1T CALlTEHCOPZ!1" site, but I hope not cause thats not what Im looking for.

    I supose Ill start from the beginning.

    I was born in Ft.Lauderdale FL on Jan 24 1985. I was born into a sort of backwater sounternly pleasent family. We had picnics, family ruinions hunting/fishing trips. We'd go to races and rodeos and town faires. Other than the pictures and what Ive been told everything seemed pretty normal.

    The absolute earliest memory that I remember most accuratley is me and my brother (2 years younger) both laying in the same bed in our room in a crappy apartment in Marietta Georgia. My mom and dad in the other room arguing and a police officer is our room watching us. I woke up and saw him there. He told me to just relax and that my mom and dad were fine, or something like that.

    I have no clue why we lived there, when we moved and why here. I think something happened from right then that changed me forever.

    Moving on, now it seems me my dad my brother and my mom live in some sort of project of a neighboorhood (a major step down from our home in ft.lauderdale) My dad works extremely long hours as one of those guys at the airport you see with the little light cones on runways at an air port. My mom is a prositute/crackhead out doing what she does while we are at home. I dont remember anything about school. Some of the things I think that contributed to my current state happened during this peroid of my life. I remembered being molested by a girl's father in their apartment on several occasions. My mother also nealry killed my brother by force feeding him hardcandy. My mother would also come home high sometimes with some of her clothes missing or torn to fight with my dad. She would spend all his money on drugs im sure.

    My mom and dad got divorced and he moved with me and my brother a couple neighboor hoods over, our situation was much better there i think but i dont remember much.

    Then my dad met my step-mom, she happened to be somewhat wealthy and me and my bro found ourselves in an really nice town home in a quiet neighboorhood. The problem here (and for the next 12 years) was that she compelete ostracized me from the family.

    Of course theyd never tell me to my face. But my grandad, grandmom, aunt, uncle, father and mom always considered me to be the "runt" of the family.

    But yes, my brother was always favored by mom stepmom, her name is Jill, this attitude everntually got my dad pissed off and thats when their fights started. Jill would always tell me (while drunk) that Im the 9/10 of all their problems and she wished my dad never had me. She treated me like shit for the first 8-9 years they were together. She turned my father against me in many situations. The only time my dad ever hit me was because my stepmom told him that I tried to seduce her.

    Im about 19 at this point. Then shit gets bad for me. One night while im doing the dishes she comes into the kitchen drunk like usual and starts hassling me "if you just done it earlier itd be done right now!" "Id help you but you waited to long" after she said that I told her "If you were gonna help me earlier why dont you just help me now"

    Apparantley this was SO disrespectful that she started to choke. She was freaking out and turning red and gasping for air and flailing her arms trying to claw at me. She ran into her room and locked her door still choking. My dad ran into the kitchen and asked me what was wrong and i told him what happened. He went to her room and fixed her. Mind you my dad is brainwashed at this point and shes turned him against his own son. Later that night while I was asleep I awoke to my dad in the room. He grabbed me and told me to meet him in our basement. On my way downstairs I saw Jill sitting in her favorite chair with our cat in her lap as she was gently petting it giving me a sinister stare. I went downstairs and before I knew what was going on I was struck in the face. He was yelling and screaming shit about me and told me that they were gonna get rid of me. after that was said and done I walked back up the stairs and saw her sitting there she said "Is he done with you?" i said fuck you and ran up stairs" The next day after i got home from work they revealed their plans to send me to my mothers in new hampshire.

    New Hampshire. Coldest place id ever experienced. I dont know how the hell my mom landed here but it was garbage. I moved into her apartment. She was still prostituting and doing drugs. Id try to sleep in my room but it was difficult hearing my mom screaming all night. The worst part was when she made me meet her "clients". One night was particualy bad so i got in my car and went for a drive. I pulled off the highway in like a boat launch area and just listened to the radio and tried to just relax and reflect on shit. Of course some older guy comes driving up and parks next to me. He signals for me to roll down my window. I really dont know what the hell is goin on so I rolled it down and he struck up a conversation. All of a sudden he laid a shocker on me. he said "want me to give you a blowjob?" I have no fuckin clue why i did what i did but he ended up in my car. After i was back on the highway i felt more sick than id ever felt. I knew i was never gonna be the same.

    Things got so bad at my moms that i forced my self to call my dad. He said to just save up some money and when im ready drive back down to georgia and see if we can get things fixed. After i got back i stayed there for awhile before they said they wanted me to leave again. I moved into a hotel, the kind with weekly rates, and worked at a grocery store. I had another homosexual experience while i was there. My dad would come over from time to time to see how i was doing. We got to talkin about me joining the navy. after a couple months we decided this would be a good option. I was in and out of the recruiters office until I left for bootcamp on april 2 2005. Bootcamp was terrible for me except for one other guy there that i felt deeply attacted to. (ive accpeted at this point that im probably not straight). Spent three months in a school then six in c school where i had a breakdown. I was late for school and when they came to my room in the barracks to find me I was drunk and had ingested a bottle of advil and motrin and was yield a hunting knife i had, I had stabbed my laptop all to hell and when my roomate came in i lunged at him. I dropped the knife when i saw the look on his face and realized what id done and dropped to the floor crying, I was in tears saying dad dad dad dad. they took me to the hosiptal where i stayed for 2 days. I finised out c school and reported to my ship august 15th 2006.

    This has been a nightmare. I hate ever moment of it. I have a extremely important job on the ship and am required to make heavy decisions. I feel completey out of place here and know for a fact that I am a detrimental to the ship and the crew. Ive gone UA twice now (unauthorized absence)

    So this is where I stand now. Ive been UA for about 21 days now. My ship is currently underway without me so Im automaticly flagged as a deserter. My pay has been halted. Im 5600 dollars in debt atm. my acct is overdrawn about 300 dollars. Im completely broke. Currently im on a track where im trying to make things as bad as they can be. all my life ive thrived on chaos and moments of stability make me sick. I want to hit bottem and just finally be done with everything.

    This is not about my soul or the world doing me some unjustice.

    Im a 22yo husk of a person. i have no empathy and was born without conviciton. I spend every second i can playing world of warcraft. and i hate it. I hate the only thing i enjoy doing. I get invited to parties by people on my ship but the idea of this is disgusting. I hate women from the bottom of my heart, they are putrid on all counts. At 22 years old i still feel like i was born yesterday, im a sexual deviant, oblivious to the world around me, want nothing from this world. ive had money, had sex, had a car, had my own place, hang out with friends, went sking, did a decent amount of stuff in my life. Im not gonna say it was all terrible, it was just pointless. i gain satisfaction from nothing and i look forward to even less.

    Things are about to get even worse when I run out of food or the power gets shutoff in my apartment. Im most certianly not going to survive beyond another couple weeks. the only thing that has kept me from killing myself is that im extremely afraid of hell, thats it, that this the only thing. i guess for christainanity thats mission accomplished.

    its also hard for me to do it because i have a respect for the human body. the complexity and resilience. seems like it would be a big waste. but my mind is mush.

    im done with this life, its seriously a waste of time.

    I mean really come on, whats the point of living? its a time sink. you dont gain anything from surviving.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 15, 2007
  2. Ellycat

    Ellycat Active Member

    Look up an English band called the Smiths and check out their lyrics. There music have saved my life a plethora of times. Please check them out. They are continually voted the most influential band of all time in the UK.
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