A letter for P...

Dear P,

I met you at the 'adolescent psychiatric unit'. We were 15. I remember my first day there.. God, I was so nervous! I had been through so much, and the thought of being stuck somewhere with people I didn't know scared the shit out of me. I remember everyone in the dining room waiting for me, welcoming me, not understanding that that was the last thing I wanted, I just wanted to slip in without fanfare. So there everyone was, jostling, wanting to welcome me, and I freaked out.

Within 2 minutes, I slipped out of the room, and tried to find somewhere QUIET. I looked into one of the doorways, and from what I could see it was the living room, and more importantly it was empty, so I scuttled in. What I couldn't see was you in the corner, on the couch, flicking through the sports channels. I cursed quietly, though it obviously caught your attention because you looked up and casually said hi. I don't know what it was about you, but you made me smile. I sat down on a chair, and you started making small talk about the weather of all things. I couldn't help but smile, I knew you were trying your best. And that was the start of our friendship.

Three days into my stay, the girl I shared a room with killed herself while on home leave. You were so cut up about it, but you made sure you helped everyone around you. You stayed strong, didn't crumble, like most others, and if you had it would have been understandable. I guess you bottled it all up, suppressed it.

And so, time passed. And all us crazy kids tried getting on with things as best we could. It was so strange.. due to my past I didn't trust males. At all. But you.. you were different. I mean, you used to piss me off, of course ;) the way you would hide the remote control and keep it on sports channels and make me miss all the programs I wanted to watch. God, that annoyed me. But I couldn't stay mad at you because you'd flash me a grin and it was good to see you happy. I knew you had shit going on, and you struggled every day, so when you had a smile on your face, I cherished it. Remember the time we had to clean the unit, and you were attempting to show off by swinging the hoover around? And then you weren't paying attention and hit yourself in the nuts with it? Lol, it still brings a small smile to my face now.

You weren't one for talking much, but we would sit for hours talking about deep things, or taking the piss out of the workers. And after a few months we became day patients. You would go home to your family, and I would go home to my foster moms. P.. you were my best friend. I laughed with you, cried with you, was comforted by you, comforted you.

And.. I let you down. It haunts me every day. Why couldn't I read the signs? Why didn't I call you? Why didn't I tell you how much you meant to me? If I had, maybe you'd still be here. The day I found out you'd.. gone, I remember it as clear as if it were yesterday. I'd just got back to my foster moms, literally been home 5 minutes, and the phone rang. My F.M answered it, and then ordered me a taxi back to the unit. My first thought was that I'd done something wrong, or they were gonna make me be inpatient again, and my F.M wasn't told why I had to go back, so we were both bewildered. But I never thought it would be you. I got to the unit, and was told to sit in the living room.. everyone was there. And then we were told.. you hung yourself. Fuck. All I remember is going out to the balcony to have a cigarette and howling. I just.. I couldn't believe it. How could my best friend, the only male I trusted, cared about, be gone? And what hurt the most.. the day before, you asked me about different knots. How to make them and such. And I didn't even think anything odd about it. I was so self absorbed that I failed you. If I had picked up on that, which is probably what you wanted, you would still be here.

P.. it should have been me. At your funeral, the church was packed. You were so loved. I remember talking to your mom and dad, seeing their pain. We all sang 'Build me up, buttercup' because that was your favorite karaoke song. I hear that song now, and it tears me up. It's been 7 years. Shit. 7 years. And I think about you every day. I feel guilty every day. You had so much going for you, and you're gone. It should have been me. I miss you every day. I am so sorry I failed you, P. I'm so sorry I was so selfish, that I ignored my best friends needs. I hate myself for that. I love you. I hope wherever you are is better than here. That you're happy, and flicking through the sports channels somewhere, getting ready to hide the remote for when I come. It kills me, even now, that I could have helped but didn't.

Please forgive me, P. I'm so sorry I let you fall.

All my love,
im sure that p doesnt want you to hurt this much. P may have felt so pained and lonely at the end, but where p is watching the sports channels now, i hope that he can see that you deserve what he saw you to deserve when he was by you going through those channels. He was a friend to you, and i hope that as that he wanted the best for you. that is what friendship is, and i hope you can live on, and try to live a life for both of you. You both deserve it so much, and deserve so much more than what you have.


Staff Alumni
We are all so bright in hindsight...we all do our best, and I am sure that if your friend loved you, as it sounds he did, that he would not want you to live in guilt...maybe, it is your turn to 'hide the remote' on someone else, and to especially be good to yourself...I am sorry for your loss...J
So sorry for your loss Donan, I never knew. I am here for you if you want to talk. I understand that it is hard to lose someone of such importance to us...Sending :hug: 's your way. Love you hun x

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