I'm not sure if this is the right place for such a letter. My intent was not to write a triggering letter, but it may. Read at your own discretion.
Suicide Forum members, and Facebook friends:
Life at one time had purpose, it had meaning. I had direction, I had goals. All of which no longer matter, because purpose no longer exits. I have tried many different things from professional help, to stepping outside of myself and pretending to be someone I’m not. Of course none of you here at S.F. will know what I mean by that. Either way it’s not important. Hell, I have even tried denial. All of these things have one thing in common, they didn’t work. I’m still me, I’m still sad, and I still can’t seem to get the important things in my life figured out.
I tried involving myself into various other things like politics to keep my mind occupied, but they too only served as a temporary distraction. So I have come to a decision on something. I have hinted around many times on my Facebook page about this before and I have decided to go through with it.
I have on several occasions over the past year proposed the question in my status on Facebook and various other forums, “has anyone thought of just packing up and leaving town”? Well, my mind is made up; I have decided to do that very thing. I’m not sure where this is going to lead me, or what I’m going to be doing a month from now, much less a year from now. However, I feel this is something I need to do.
I have been fortunate in one aspect of my life, which I have never revealed to anyone of you except one, and I didn‘t tell the whole truth to them. I haven’t had much difficulty in my ability to earn a very good living. I haven’t had a need to work for someone else since I was 22 years old. However, I have been working a fulltime job which I only done to pass the time. Hey, I sleep two hours a day; I tend to get bored with so much free time on my hands. I had to fill it with something, or I would go crazy. So to make a long story short, my journey to find myself will not place a burden on me, and the only reason why I tell you this is because I don't want people to think I am the type of person to walk away from my financial obligations. I guess my financial situation makes me fortunate to have the means for such foolishness.
“Find Myself”, what a cliché. It’s a phrase I never thought I would use to describe my actions. I use to look down on people who used that phrase. In many ways I still think the phrase is stupid, and an oxymoron. I still feel I must do this if I can ever reasonably expect to acquire some peace.
I’m sure some of you may be wondering what the hell this nut case is talking about. That’s really not that easy to explain. I do want all my fellow S.F. members and Facebook friends to know that none of you did anything to cause this or even contributed to this. In fact several of you have gone above and beyond what is considered to be an internet friend, and forgiven me for some of my less then proud moments. Again, many of you won’t know what I mean by that but some will, and it really isn’t important anymore.
I want to try and explain what led me to have this feeling of; I guess it could be called detachment, maybe even depression. Not everyone grows up in the best of environments; I wasn’t excluded from that truth. I had a dad who for all accounts became an ass about the time I became a teenager. His depravity as a father reached a brutal tipping point the summer I turned sixteen. I had a mother who lived in a state of denial. She lived her life apathetic to her responsibility to protect me. I removed myself from that situation later that summer, and lived with a distant relative till I was eighteen and graduated from high school.
I haven’t talked to my dad since the summer I was sixteen, and up to a few weeks ago I haven’t spoken to my mother in seventeen years since I graduated high school. This consequently was the last time I saw my dad. My mom had the nerve to show up late and to bring that bastard of a father to my graduation. Once I saw he was there, I didn’t stick around for the graduation ceremony. I simply stood up and walked away, right in the middle of the ceremony. In retrospect I passed up a great opportunity to get even with them right there in front of everyone.
I should have walked up to the podium, grabbed the microphone and said my peace. I should have pointed him out among the crowd of other parents, and explained how he used his addiction to liquor as an excuse for violating my safety and peace of mind. I should have explained to them how the scent of Gin on his breath permeated my soul. I should have told them how each of his violent thrusts destroyed my innocents and feeling of self worth. Then I could have watched the eyes of the crowd burn a hole through the center of his heart like he did through mine so many times.
I should have then pointed out my mother, the one person I should have always be able to count on for protection. I should have told them about the times I told my mom that daddy was hurting me; and how for what reasons God only knows she done nothing. I should have explained in graphic detail the bruises and bleeding that I showed her, and how dad was the cause. I should have told the crowd how my mom was more interested in the financial security her marriage afforded her, than she was in my protection. Then if I was real lucky, people would have let a mob mentality overtake them; driving them into a rage filled riot, hell bent on cumulative judgment.
Maybe I did the right thing by walking away. One thing for sure is no one really knows. We only have one chance to live our lives, and once we take an action, regardless of its reasoning’s, we can’t take it back. Sure it would have given me a feeling of vindication to use that opportunity to crush them like the mental terrorists they were, but would it have made me a better person? Probably not, but in reality I would have been trading in my own morals on a moment of vengeance.
Two years later he died from cirrhosis of the liver, after all his second greatest past time was to drink. Needless to say I wasn’t broken hearted over his passing, I genuinely felt relieved. I refused to grant his dying wish to see me, and I refused to pay my last respects when he died. I personally feel the most respect I was capable of showing was me choosing not to show up to his funeral with a gas can and matches. Besides, I am sure I would have been arrested for performing a cremation without a license. Although there would have been very few witnesses, because very few people were willing to show their last respects to such a bastard, I chose not to.
The 14th of April, I received news that my mother died. This was something I was expecting. I found out a few weeks ago she was sick, and she wanted to see me one last time. As some of you know, I granted her that wish. It took her laying on her deathbed for me to give her the chance to apologize for allowing my dad to use me for more than three years. A big part of me was hoping that was the reason she wanted to see me, but it wasn’t. She used it as an opportunity to blame me for my dads drinking problem. “Wake up mom, he was drinking before I was born“. I guess that fact just didn’t matter.
I am the last one left in my family, so the responsibility of her last wishes rested upon my shoulders. I had her cremated and her ashes disposed of. I had no need for an urn to remind me of those times. I am currently in the process of acquiring ownership of my mom and dads former property. When that is complete I am going to have the 3 acres rezoned from R-1 to R-4. Tear my childhood home down and have condos built. Hey, I might as well profit from it.
This process should take nine months to a year to complete. I am going to spend this time to reestablish who I am, and figure out where I want my life to go. I have to figure this stuff out or I will wakeup one day wishing I didn’t wakeup. I have come so close to having that mindset many times. The fear of waking up to this mindset has prevented me from getting close to people. A Facebook friend recently told me I have to put myself out there. I believe he meant if I don’t try to be part of inventing a happier future, how I can ever expect to have a happy future. I can’t argue with that logic.
I put the house I live in on the market earlier today, and will be heading back out of town for business and on my personal journey next week. I plan on taking care of my business when I need to, much of it can be handled on the road. The rest of the time I will be doing all the things I ever wanted to do (within reason), and seeing all the places I ever wanted to see. I love to drive and hate to fly; so I will be getting rid of my 1992 Oldsmobile Cutlass which happens to be the one and only car I have ever owned. Yes, I am that frugal. My car has over 300,000 miles on it and quite frankly is nearing the end of its usefulness.
You want to hear something strange? I didn’t cry when my dad died, only while he lived, unless tears of joy count. I shed only one tear when my mom died. However, I think I will shed several tears over selling my car. I wonder what that says about me as a person. I have done many things in my life I’m not proud of, and not being saddened by the passing of my father, and recently my mother scares me. I will miss my car; I owned that car for almost 17 years. Sometimes I think I am so strange. Sometimes I look in the mirror at myself and shake my head. Sometimes I feel as if the person in the mirror staring back at me is a stranger.
I likely won’t be on Facebook or S.F. that often after this week for a while. I just want you guys to know that no one here has done anything to push me away. If anything I have been pushing myself away. A few of you have been my only source of friendship, and it is a valued friendship in my humble opinion. Next week when I head out on my journey I will check in with you guys ever once in a while.
I know much of what I said doesn’t make a whole lot sense, but who said life makes sense? If you know who that person is, by all means let me know so I can hit them in the head with a big stick for lying to me. LOL
I wish all of you the best in the world.
Sincerely
Julia
Suicide Forum members, and Facebook friends:
Life at one time had purpose, it had meaning. I had direction, I had goals. All of which no longer matter, because purpose no longer exits. I have tried many different things from professional help, to stepping outside of myself and pretending to be someone I’m not. Of course none of you here at S.F. will know what I mean by that. Either way it’s not important. Hell, I have even tried denial. All of these things have one thing in common, they didn’t work. I’m still me, I’m still sad, and I still can’t seem to get the important things in my life figured out.
I tried involving myself into various other things like politics to keep my mind occupied, but they too only served as a temporary distraction. So I have come to a decision on something. I have hinted around many times on my Facebook page about this before and I have decided to go through with it.
I have on several occasions over the past year proposed the question in my status on Facebook and various other forums, “has anyone thought of just packing up and leaving town”? Well, my mind is made up; I have decided to do that very thing. I’m not sure where this is going to lead me, or what I’m going to be doing a month from now, much less a year from now. However, I feel this is something I need to do.
I have been fortunate in one aspect of my life, which I have never revealed to anyone of you except one, and I didn‘t tell the whole truth to them. I haven’t had much difficulty in my ability to earn a very good living. I haven’t had a need to work for someone else since I was 22 years old. However, I have been working a fulltime job which I only done to pass the time. Hey, I sleep two hours a day; I tend to get bored with so much free time on my hands. I had to fill it with something, or I would go crazy. So to make a long story short, my journey to find myself will not place a burden on me, and the only reason why I tell you this is because I don't want people to think I am the type of person to walk away from my financial obligations. I guess my financial situation makes me fortunate to have the means for such foolishness.
“Find Myself”, what a cliché. It’s a phrase I never thought I would use to describe my actions. I use to look down on people who used that phrase. In many ways I still think the phrase is stupid, and an oxymoron. I still feel I must do this if I can ever reasonably expect to acquire some peace.
I’m sure some of you may be wondering what the hell this nut case is talking about. That’s really not that easy to explain. I do want all my fellow S.F. members and Facebook friends to know that none of you did anything to cause this or even contributed to this. In fact several of you have gone above and beyond what is considered to be an internet friend, and forgiven me for some of my less then proud moments. Again, many of you won’t know what I mean by that but some will, and it really isn’t important anymore.
I want to try and explain what led me to have this feeling of; I guess it could be called detachment, maybe even depression. Not everyone grows up in the best of environments; I wasn’t excluded from that truth. I had a dad who for all accounts became an ass about the time I became a teenager. His depravity as a father reached a brutal tipping point the summer I turned sixteen. I had a mother who lived in a state of denial. She lived her life apathetic to her responsibility to protect me. I removed myself from that situation later that summer, and lived with a distant relative till I was eighteen and graduated from high school.
I haven’t talked to my dad since the summer I was sixteen, and up to a few weeks ago I haven’t spoken to my mother in seventeen years since I graduated high school. This consequently was the last time I saw my dad. My mom had the nerve to show up late and to bring that bastard of a father to my graduation. Once I saw he was there, I didn’t stick around for the graduation ceremony. I simply stood up and walked away, right in the middle of the ceremony. In retrospect I passed up a great opportunity to get even with them right there in front of everyone.
I should have walked up to the podium, grabbed the microphone and said my peace. I should have pointed him out among the crowd of other parents, and explained how he used his addiction to liquor as an excuse for violating my safety and peace of mind. I should have explained to them how the scent of Gin on his breath permeated my soul. I should have told them how each of his violent thrusts destroyed my innocents and feeling of self worth. Then I could have watched the eyes of the crowd burn a hole through the center of his heart like he did through mine so many times.
I should have then pointed out my mother, the one person I should have always be able to count on for protection. I should have told them about the times I told my mom that daddy was hurting me; and how for what reasons God only knows she done nothing. I should have explained in graphic detail the bruises and bleeding that I showed her, and how dad was the cause. I should have told the crowd how my mom was more interested in the financial security her marriage afforded her, than she was in my protection. Then if I was real lucky, people would have let a mob mentality overtake them; driving them into a rage filled riot, hell bent on cumulative judgment.
Maybe I did the right thing by walking away. One thing for sure is no one really knows. We only have one chance to live our lives, and once we take an action, regardless of its reasoning’s, we can’t take it back. Sure it would have given me a feeling of vindication to use that opportunity to crush them like the mental terrorists they were, but would it have made me a better person? Probably not, but in reality I would have been trading in my own morals on a moment of vengeance.
Two years later he died from cirrhosis of the liver, after all his second greatest past time was to drink. Needless to say I wasn’t broken hearted over his passing, I genuinely felt relieved. I refused to grant his dying wish to see me, and I refused to pay my last respects when he died. I personally feel the most respect I was capable of showing was me choosing not to show up to his funeral with a gas can and matches. Besides, I am sure I would have been arrested for performing a cremation without a license. Although there would have been very few witnesses, because very few people were willing to show their last respects to such a bastard, I chose not to.
The 14th of April, I received news that my mother died. This was something I was expecting. I found out a few weeks ago she was sick, and she wanted to see me one last time. As some of you know, I granted her that wish. It took her laying on her deathbed for me to give her the chance to apologize for allowing my dad to use me for more than three years. A big part of me was hoping that was the reason she wanted to see me, but it wasn’t. She used it as an opportunity to blame me for my dads drinking problem. “Wake up mom, he was drinking before I was born“. I guess that fact just didn’t matter.
I am the last one left in my family, so the responsibility of her last wishes rested upon my shoulders. I had her cremated and her ashes disposed of. I had no need for an urn to remind me of those times. I am currently in the process of acquiring ownership of my mom and dads former property. When that is complete I am going to have the 3 acres rezoned from R-1 to R-4. Tear my childhood home down and have condos built. Hey, I might as well profit from it.
This process should take nine months to a year to complete. I am going to spend this time to reestablish who I am, and figure out where I want my life to go. I have to figure this stuff out or I will wakeup one day wishing I didn’t wakeup. I have come so close to having that mindset many times. The fear of waking up to this mindset has prevented me from getting close to people. A Facebook friend recently told me I have to put myself out there. I believe he meant if I don’t try to be part of inventing a happier future, how I can ever expect to have a happy future. I can’t argue with that logic.
I put the house I live in on the market earlier today, and will be heading back out of town for business and on my personal journey next week. I plan on taking care of my business when I need to, much of it can be handled on the road. The rest of the time I will be doing all the things I ever wanted to do (within reason), and seeing all the places I ever wanted to see. I love to drive and hate to fly; so I will be getting rid of my 1992 Oldsmobile Cutlass which happens to be the one and only car I have ever owned. Yes, I am that frugal. My car has over 300,000 miles on it and quite frankly is nearing the end of its usefulness.
You want to hear something strange? I didn’t cry when my dad died, only while he lived, unless tears of joy count. I shed only one tear when my mom died. However, I think I will shed several tears over selling my car. I wonder what that says about me as a person. I have done many things in my life I’m not proud of, and not being saddened by the passing of my father, and recently my mother scares me. I will miss my car; I owned that car for almost 17 years. Sometimes I think I am so strange. Sometimes I look in the mirror at myself and shake my head. Sometimes I feel as if the person in the mirror staring back at me is a stranger.
I likely won’t be on Facebook or S.F. that often after this week for a while. I just want you guys to know that no one here has done anything to push me away. If anything I have been pushing myself away. A few of you have been my only source of friendship, and it is a valued friendship in my humble opinion. Next week when I head out on my journey I will check in with you guys ever once in a while.
I know much of what I said doesn’t make a whole lot sense, but who said life makes sense? If you know who that person is, by all means let me know so I can hit them in the head with a big stick for lying to me. LOL
I wish all of you the best in the world.
Sincerely
Julia
s** I hope you can enjoy the journey. I certainly did.
